Camp Fire Gets “A Little Out of Hand,” Incinerates West Campus

November 20, 2018 1:00 pm
Camp Fire Gets “A Little Out of Hand,” Incinerates West Campus

According to several recent reports, the Johnson family campfire is “kind of becoming a problem.” What began as a nonthreatening combination of four moist twigs and a fake candle has morphed into “a bit of a national menace, more or less,” according to father Marty Johnson. Johnson admitted to having […]

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Musicians Left Jobless After Supply of Music Exhausted

May 21, 2018 12:00 pm
Musicians Left Jobless After Supply of Music Exhausted

In a shocking yet inevitable turn of events, Earth finally ran out of music earlier this week. With the limited supply of tempos, rhythms and beats now entirely depleted, musicians everywhere suddenly find themselves out of work. As recently as Monday afternoon, composers and sonic artists from every continent were […]

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Op Ed: I’m on an All-Caterpillar Diet and You Should Join Me!

April 16, 2018 12:00 pm
Op Ed: I’m on an All-Caterpillar Diet and You Should Join Me!

  Look, everybody has their favorite snack. For my roommate, it’s Hot CheetosTM, for my little brother, it’s FunyunsTM, but for me, it’s those dang dangling crittersTM that cover campus during this fateful quarter. Every time I bike past one, all I have to do is open up my yapper […]

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Pony on Horse Tranquilizer Really Into Jazz

March 6, 2018 9:40 am
Pony on Horse Tranquilizer Really Into Jazz
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Report: Bird With Gun More Dangerous Than Bird Without

February 19, 2018 1:48 pm
Report: Bird With Gun More Dangerous Than Bird Without
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Sexually Frustrated Moon Finally Gets to Masturbate After Several Nights of Constant Watch

February 5, 2018 12:00 pm
Sexually Frustrated Moon Finally Gets to Masturbate After Several Nights of Constant Watch

After several evenings of unceasing news cameras and children’s gazes of wonder, the Moon finally took some private time to extravagantly masturbate this past Friday night. Due to its beautiful peak fullness for several nights this past week, the Moon’s privacy had been outright violated by voyeuristic amateur astronomers and […]

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