Flipside News in Brief: Georgian Mistresses, AAU Surveys, and Night Rabbits

May 18, 2019 4:49 pm
Views:
Georgia State Capitol Building in Atlanta, Georgia, USA.

Georgia Passes de facto Abortion Ban, Exception for Senators’ Mistresses

News came last week of a Georgia bill outlawing abortions, a potential challenge to the Supreme Court’s Roe v. Wade ruling. Interestingly, the fine print of the bill includes a single loophole — women ages 18 to 22 working under the employment of Republican senators are, in fact, able to have an abortion at any point during their pregnancy. Speculation regarding the reasoning behind this loophole has spread among opponents of the bill.

“If you want to view it as a clause so that any young woman who happens to interact with me on a personal basis and who I may be engaging in sexual intercourse with, including but not limited to the smoking hot college-aged nanny my wife and I hired, can have an abortion if necessary, so be it,” co-sponsor of the bill Senator Franklin Trunkerd said. “That certainly wasn’t the intention, but sometimes these things just turn out like that.”

Report: A Strange Old Man Outside Lathrop Paid Me $21 Not to Do the AAU Survey

Look, I get it: the AAU sexual assault survey was super important for holding Stanford accountable or whatever. But when a strange old man wearing a trench coat and one of those fake Groucho Marx nose-and-moustache things handed me a 21-dollar bill and told me not to fill it out, you gotta understand, it was an easy choice. It’s simple supply and demand, baby — getting paid $20 to help track sexual violence rates on campus, versus getting paid one buck more to not do that? Those one hundred extra pennies are music in my pockets!

Op Ed: The Night Rabbits Must Be Stopped

The night rabbits are running a shadow government. I see them plotting under the hedges as I stroll through the campus during the witching hour. “Nothing to see here,” they whisper, pivoting their ears like tiny fascist radars.  They raise their pointy carrots in a humble salute before galumphing into their secret battle, their noble mission underway. The ranks charge! The paws fly! They rage into the dying light. They gnaw through the cables, uproot the fresh sod, eviscerate the administration in their sleep. Those conniving mammals send faxes to space and ask the moon rabbits to join them in their conquest.

Tags: