Revamped CAPS Now Offering Back Pats, Cat Pictures

October 1, 2018 12:00 pm
Revamped CAPS Now Offering Back Pats, Cat Pictures

Following a slew of allegations that Stanford discriminates against and refuses to accommodate students with mental health issues, the University has begun the new year with a clear plan for how it will prioritize campus support resources and the students who need them. At the top of the list? Counseling […]

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Report: ‘Beyond Sex Ed’ to be Renamed ‘Bed Bath and Beyond Sex Ed’ after Massive Corporate Merger

12:00 pm
Report: ‘Beyond Sex Ed’ to be Renamed ‘Bed Bath and Beyond Sex Ed’ after Massive Corporate Merger

Though unknown to many, Leland Stanford Junior University is broke, its endowment falling by over 80% over the last few years. This dramatic decline comes from two reasons: the extravagant budget for the increasingly lavish sex-positive programming that the university has been putting on in recent years, and the resulting […]

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Dean Shaw Finally Announces One Admission Mistake

10:53 am
Dean Shaw Finally Announces One Admission Mistake

In breaking news, Dean Richard Shaw has revealed information on Stanford’s first admissions mistake. Spoiler: it’s you. The proclamation has left thousands of other students relieved, as they are now assured of their place at America’s most prestigious university, after Harvard, probably.   “After poring over admissions records, we’ve concluded […]

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Eurotrash Now A Twelve-Part Lecture Series About Brexit

10:41 am
Eurotrash Now A Twelve-Part Lecture Series About Brexit

Freshmen eager to attend their first-ever college party were left disappointed Friday night when, upon showing up to Kappa Sigma drunk and ready to dance, they were turned away and told that Eurotrash had been restructured as a lecture series exploring the sociocultural underpinnings of Brexit. “This is the first […]

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After Years of Palace Intrigue, Machiavellian Mastermind Becomes Student Group’s Financial Officer

June 9, 2018 7:32 pm
After Years of Palace Intrigue, Machiavellian Mastermind Becomes Student Group’s Financial Officer

“My schemes are at their zenith,” cackled sophomore Lucian Snert early Monday morning when he awoke to see an email asking him to be financial officer for his a cappella group next year. “All comes together, like a puppet master yanking strings, and my plot arises like the Leviathan from […]

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A Senior Farewell

June 5, 2018 2:06 pm
A Senior Farewell

Fuck you! That’s right, do you really think we value you as a reader? We don’t. We never have, and we never will. You’re just meat–a lopsided globule of flesh with a level of consciousness barely adequate for understanding our comedy slop. You struggle with puzzles designed for children, you […]

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