Acquaintance’s Enthusiastic “Hello” Sparks Confusion for Student Biker

November 27, 2018 7:00 pm
Acquaintance’s Enthusiastic “Hello” Sparks Confusion for Student Biker

In a perplexing turn of events Friday before break, sophomore Billy Redrick’s enthusiastic “hello” caused unwarranted levels of emotional distress for another student’s normally relaxing ride around campus as she was forced to consider what level of friendship would require her to stop her bike. “When he shouted “hello” and […]

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Heroic Door Alarm Thwarts Criminal Scum

7:00 pm
Heroic Door Alarm Thwarts Criminal Scum

In a stunning turn of events last Friday, a potential intruder on Stanford’s campus was utterly foiled by the heroic appearance of a door alarm. The unidentified trespasser, who has been described as a person of indeterminate gender and race between the ages of zero and sixty-nine, was seen attempting […]

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Roommate Procrastinates by Learning Fourth Language

November 12, 2018 7:00 pm
Roommate Procrastinates by Learning Fourth Language

In recent news, yet another momentous achievement by your roommate has served to highlight your own fundamental inadequacy as a human being. While you were playing Fork Knife for the seventh consecutive hour this past Tuesday, recent reports have indicated that your cotenant was learning to speak Bulgarian. “I’m almost […]

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Stanford Daily Editor-In-Chief Ousted by Dead Founder

7:00 pm
Stanford Daily Editor-In-Chief Ousted by Dead Founder

The Fountain Hopper reported earlier this week that the unnamed-but-legendary founder of The Stanford Daily rose from their grave to express profound disappointment with the journalistic performance of the Daily for the past century. The Daily was founded in 1892, and the enormous spiritual power that its deceased founder had […]

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Otero Treasurer Executed for Big Game Treason on Meyer Green

7:00 pm
Otero Treasurer Executed for Big Game Treason on Meyer Green

The grass on Meyer Green was stained a dark and brilliant red last Wednesday when Viltautė Findlay, now-former Otero Treasurer, was executed, with a crowd of cheering students looking on. Treason at Stanford is defined as “levying War against it, or adhering to its Enemies, giving them Aid and Comfort”, and […]

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PHEs Awarded $9,000 in Monopoly Money© to Compensate for Pay Inequity

11:46 am
PHEs Awarded $9,000 in Monopoly Money© to Compensate for Pay Inequity

Amidst calls from around campus to equalize payment of campus Peer Health Educators (PHE) relative to their Resident Assistant (RA) competitors, Stanford Administration has finally responded with a solution satisfactory to all parties involved: PHEs will be compensated for the approximately $9,000 difference in pay—$3,075 per year compared to RAs’ […]

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