Articles by: Byron Calabasas

A Graduation Farewell, from the Flipside Seniors

September 18, 2020 1:25 pmComments Off on A Graduation Farewell, from the Flipside Seniors
A Graduation Farewell, from the Flipside Seniors

Editor’s Note: The following was pre-written in September 2019, back when we were young, naïve, and smokin’ hot with bangin’ bods. Still relevant? You be the judge. But we’re sure as hell not revising. That shit’s for English majors and cuckolds. Editor’s Favorite Fish: Beluga Whale, the biggest fish in […]

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Senior Still Hasn’t Come to Terms with Fact That They’ll Never Vomit Cajun Fries into an Old Union Toilet Again

June 23, 2020 11:35 pmComments Off on Senior Still Hasn’t Come to Terms with Fact That They’ll Never Vomit Cajun Fries into an Old Union Toilet Again
Senior Still Hasn’t Come to Terms with Fact That They’ll Never Vomit Cajun Fries into an Old Union Toilet Again

Sitting absentmindedly on the couch, watching their ninth consecutive episode of Netflix Original Series “Sex Apartment,” soon-to-be-graduate Mica Owens reportedly still had not come to terms with the fact that they never again will vomit cajun fries into an Old Union toilet at 3am. Although they have not consciously considered […]

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Oops: I Changed My Zoom Display Name to the True Name of Yahweh and My Professor Exploded in a Plume of Brimstone

May 26, 2020 2:53 pmComments Off on Oops: I Changed My Zoom Display Name to the True Name of Yahweh and My Professor Exploded in a Plume of Brimstone
Oops: I Changed My Zoom Display Name to the True Name of Yahweh and My Professor Exploded in a Plume of Brimstone

Earlier today during lecture, I was messing around on Zoom and noticed that you can change your display name to whatever you want. “What fun!” I thought to myself. “What a goof!” I was so innocent then, knowing not of the ancient and terrible forces I would unleash with my […]

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Study: Young Men Who Play Violent, Serpentine Video Games More Likely to Eat Lots of Apples, Grow Incrementally Longer

May 17, 2020 11:44 amComments Off on Study: Young Men Who Play Violent, Serpentine Video Games More Likely to Eat Lots of Apples, Grow Incrementally Longer
Study: Young Men Who Play Violent, Serpentine Video Games More Likely to Eat Lots of Apples, Grow Incrementally Longer

A new study by the Stanford psychology department appears to confirm parents’ worst fears when it comes to letting their children play violent video games. After exposing a group of young men to one such game, the team of scientists identified a significant uptick in the subject’s likelihood of eating […]

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Stanford to Bring Back All Those Experiments from the ‘60s Where They’d, Like, Give Teenagers Shrooms and Then Electrocute Them

May 12, 2020 4:32 pmComments Off on Stanford to Bring Back All Those Experiments from the ‘60s Where They’d, Like, Give Teenagers Shrooms and Then Electrocute Them
Stanford to Bring Back All Those Experiments from the ‘60s Where They’d, Like, Give Teenagers Shrooms and Then Electrocute Them

Facing a budget shortfall amid the coronavirus crisis, the Stanford administration has announced plans to reinvigorate school finances by reintroducing those fucked up experiments they used to do back in the ‘60s. You know, the ones where they’d, like, give a bunch of local teens psilocybin and then electrocute them […]

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Professor’s Virtual Background Briefly Disappears to Reveal Dallas, TX in the Fall of ‘63

April 26, 2020 10:58 amComments Off on Professor’s Virtual Background Briefly Disappears to Reveal Dallas, TX in the Fall of ‘63
Professor’s Virtual Background Briefly Disappears to Reveal Dallas, TX in the Fall of ‘63

An online session of ‘MATH 84: Non-Sequential Arrays’ conducted through Zoom video-conferencing was briefly interrupted on Monday after the virtual background Prof. Jess Samell had been using disappeared for a moment, revealing that he was actually in downtown Dallas, Texas during the fall of 1963. “It was pretty distracting,” said […]

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The Resilience of Mother Earth: With Students Gone, Those Ten-Foot Centipedes from the Paleozoic Era Have Finally Returned to Campus

April 24, 2020 4:46 pmComments Off on The Resilience of Mother Earth: With Students Gone, Those Ten-Foot Centipedes from the Paleozoic Era Have Finally Returned to Campus
The Resilience of Mother Earth: With Students Gone, Those Ten-Foot Centipedes from the Paleozoic Era Have Finally Returned to Campus

As the coronavirus pandemic sweeps the planet — forcing people to self-quarantine at home, avoid travel and remain indoors — the natural world has slowly crept back into urban spaces. Swans swim once more in the canals of Venice, wild boar trot the Parisian avenues, and back home on Stanford’s […]

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Senators Embarrassed to Realize They Wore Same Goat Mask to Ritual Orgy

April 19, 2020 3:06 pmComments Off on Senators Embarrassed to Realize They Wore Same Goat Mask to Ritual Orgy
Senators Embarrassed to Realize They Wore Same Goat Mask to Ritual Orgy

BOHEMIAN GROVE, CA — Noticing one another from across the foyer of their host’s ornate mansion, Senators Ralph Krandell (D-NY) and Gemma Rowe (R-MT) realized with embarrassment earlier this evening that they’d worn the exact same goat mask to the night’s ritualistic orgy. “One of us is going to have […]

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Aspiring Serial Killer Frustrated That All the Coolest MO’s Already Taken

April 18, 2020 11:12 amComments Off on Aspiring Serial Killer Frustrated That All the Coolest MO’s Already Taken
Aspiring Serial Killer Frustrated That All the Coolest MO’s Already Taken

Furrowing his brow, aspiring serial killer Joseph Michael Evans expressed frustration earlier today that all the best modus operandi for systematic mass murders have already been claimed. “Some aesthetic or symbolic consistency would be nice, but all the cool ideas have been used up!” Evans sighed. “The Greenwich Slasher has […]

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Oh No! 27th Consecutive Housing Email This Week Actually Contained Information Necessary for You to Graduate

11:00 amComments Off on Oh No! 27th Consecutive Housing Email This Week Actually Contained Information Necessary for You to Graduate
Oh No! 27th Consecutive Housing Email This Week Actually Contained Information Necessary for You to Graduate

Following their first 26 emails this week, which contained zero relevant information and served no clear purpose, your dorm’s Housing Front Desk has now sent you a 27th email which — despite looking exactly like the first 26 — actually contains information necessary for you to graduate. Unfortunately, sources report […]

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