Articles by: Brian Contreras

Andrew Yang Warns That AI Will Soon Automate All Your Time-Wasting Bullshit

October 9, 2019 12:00 pmComments Off on Andrew Yang Warns That AI Will Soon Automate All Your Time-Wasting Bullshit
Andrew Yang Warns That AI Will Soon Automate All Your Time-Wasting Bullshit

During a recent campaign stop, presidential hopeful Andrew Yang returned to what has become a central message of his campaign by cautioning that a coming wave of automation will see artificial intelligence replace nearly all the ridiculous crap you do at work when you should be working. “AI will soon […]

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Finance Guy Had Summer Internship at Bane (Batman Villain)

October 2, 2019 12:00 pmComments Off on Finance Guy Had Summer Internship at Bane (Batman Villain)
Finance Guy Had Summer Internship at Bane (Batman Villain)

The early reports are in, and it looks like everyone’s worst suspicions have been confirmed: Seth Delgado, that weird finance bro from your dorm who’s always talking about the Dow Jones and who wears Joy Division tees underneath crisp blazers, is telling everyone that he worked at Bane (Batman villain) […]

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Israel and Palestine Come Together to Chill, Play Volleyball in First-Ever “Camp Stanford Accords”

June 10, 2019 12:00 pmComments Off on Israel and Palestine Come Together to Chill, Play Volleyball in First-Ever “Camp Stanford Accords”
Israel and Palestine Come Together to Chill, Play Volleyball in First-Ever “Camp Stanford Accords”

In what has been dubbed the “the chillest camp since David,” heads of state from both Israel and Palestine met on Wilbur Field this week to play volleyball, smoke weed, and just generally kick back after a stressful quarter in the first-ever “Camp Stanford Accords.” Explained University President Marc Tessier-Lavigne, […]

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iCarly Under Fire for “Truth Behind 9/11” Vlog

12:00 pmComments Off on iCarly Under Fire for “Truth Behind 9/11” Vlog
iCarly Under Fire for “Truth Behind 9/11” Vlog

Teen vlog star Carly Shay — popularly known as “iCarly,” after her eponymous web series — has found herself in hot water this past week after airing an 80-minute segment entitled “The Truth Behind 9/11: What the Lizardoids Don’t Want You to Know About the Sixth Tower: Fahrenheit Two Billion: […]

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Amid Human Rights Abuses and Declining Support for Local Regime, U.S. Backs Coup in Flint, Michigan

May 21, 2019 7:00 pmComments Off on Amid Human Rights Abuses and Declining Support for Local Regime, U.S. Backs Coup in Flint, Michigan
Amid Human Rights Abuses and Declining Support for Local Regime, U.S. Backs Coup in Flint, Michigan

As the humanitarian crisis worsens and citizens grow increasingly critical of local leadership, the U.S. Department of State has announced that it will begin actively pursuing regime change in Flint, Michigan to prevent further human rights abuses. Although widespread lead contamination of the city’s water first began in 2014, officials […]

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Flipside News in Brief: Georgian Mistresses, AAU Surveys, and Night Rabbits

May 18, 2019 4:49 pmComments Off on Flipside News in Brief: Georgian Mistresses, AAU Surveys, and Night Rabbits
Georgia State Capitol Building in Atlanta, Georgia, USA.

Georgia Passes de facto Abortion Ban, Exception for Senators’ Mistresses News came last week of a Georgia bill outlawing abortions, a potential challenge to the Supreme Court’s Roe v. Wade ruling. Interestingly, the fine print of the bill includes a single loophole — women ages 18 to 22 working under the […]

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Budweiser Introduces New “Just the Foam” Beer

12:43 pmComments Off on Budweiser Introduces New “Just the Foam” Beer
Budweiser Introduces New “Just the Foam” Beer

After years of traditional brew, Budweiser has announced that it will be switching up the game this darty season with a brand new product release: Budweiser “Just the Foam” beer-free beer. Starting next week, “Just the Foam” will be available in cans, 40s, and limited-edition glass steins shaped like aerated […]

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Five Days After Young Boy Reported Missing Within “Comfy Chair,” Body Recovered

May 7, 2019 7:00 pmComments Off on Five Days After Young Boy Reported Missing Within “Comfy Chair,” Body Recovered
Five Days After Young Boy Reported Missing Within “Comfy Chair,” Body Recovered

Five days after the shocking news that area preteen Cody Parks had gone missing within the so-called “Comfy Chair” at a local coffee shop, authorities have finally recovered the thirteen-year-old’s body from the depths of the cushioned recliner. Reports claim the rescue effort was delayed when their hydraulic “Jaws of […]

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So Cool! MTL Dabbed After Signing an Arms Deal With the Saudi Military, and It Is #GivingUsLife

April 30, 2019 7:00 pmComments Off on So Cool! MTL Dabbed After Signing an Arms Deal With the Saudi Military, and It Is #GivingUsLife
So Cool! MTL Dabbed After Signing an Arms Deal With the Saudi Military, and It Is #GivingUsLife

Okay, look — we all already know Marc “Daddy” Tessier “Daddy” Lavigne is the all-time coolest president of an elite private research university, but now it’s for goddam sure: MTL just did a celebratory dab after negotiating a successful arms deal with Saudi Arabia’s military, and it is #giving #us […]

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University Announces Plans to Build Massive, Useless Metal Structure Directly Outside Your Window

April 23, 2019 7:00 pmComments Off on University Announces Plans to Build Massive, Useless Metal Structure Directly Outside Your Window
University Announces Plans to Build Massive, Useless Metal Structure Directly Outside Your Window

As the recently-announced ResX task force’s plans for campus development continue to make waves, one sub-provision in the hundred-plus-page report has gone largely unremarked upon: the University’s plans to build an enormous, purposeless metal structure directly outside your dorm room window. “The space right outside your window, separated from your […]

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