Articles by: Brian Contreras

Journalists Perplexed By Sarah Huckabee Sanders’ Assertion That Everything She Says Is False, Even This

December 3, 2018 7:00 pmComments Off on Journalists Perplexed By Sarah Huckabee Sanders’ Assertion That Everything She Says Is False, Even This
Journalists Perplexed By Sarah Huckabee Sanders’ Assertion That Everything She Says Is False, Even This

A recent press conference ended in mayhem after White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders insisted to a gathered crowd of journalists that everything she said was false, even this. “I speak no truths, yet even then // Mine riddles trick the mind again,” a smirking Huckabee Sanders explained to […]

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Wow! Bernie Sanders Said He Doesn’t Like Anchovies and Now Conservatives Are Eating Pound After Pound of Salty Fish

November 22, 2018 1:00 pmComments Off on Wow! Bernie Sanders Said He Doesn’t Like Anchovies and Now Conservatives Are Eating Pound After Pound of Salty Fish
Wow! Bernie Sanders Said He Doesn’t Like Anchovies and Now Conservatives Are Eating Pound After Pound of Salty Fish

With political polarization at a fever pitch, it sometimes feels like there’s no middle ground between Democrats and Republicans. And things are only getting worse, if this latest scandal is any indication — after Senator Bernie Sanders offhandedly mentioned that he doesn’t like anchovies, America’s conservatives have taken it upon […]

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Stanford to Begin Replacing Classes with Google Onboarding Program

November 5, 2018 7:00 pmComments Off on Stanford to Begin Replacing Classes with Google Onboarding Program
Stanford to Begin Replacing Classes with Google Onboarding Program

As part of Stanford’s ongoing long-range planning initiative, University President Marc Tessier-Lavigne and Provost Persis Drell announced Monday morning an ambitious new vision for Stanford that will see “classes” and “schoolwork” gradually phased out and replaced with a multi-stage onboarding program for future Google employees. “Stanford’s current model of education […]

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Confused Drug Dealer Guns Down Man Wearing “Female Body Inspector” Novelty Shirt

October 22, 2018 7:00 pmComments Off on Confused Drug Dealer Guns Down Man Wearing “Female Body Inspector” Novelty Shirt
Confused Drug Dealer Guns Down Man Wearing “Female Body Inspector” Novelty Shirt

Tragedy struck late Sunday night when local drug dealer Ricky “The Goon” “The Man” “Goon Man” Randazzo, believing his cocaine operation had finally been found out by the Feds, shot to death a man wearing a novelty “Female Body Inspector” t-shirt. The victim, Carter Fribb, had bought the misleading shirt […]

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Haas Center Distributes Blatantly False “Stanford Votes” Stickers

October 15, 2018 7:00 pmComments Off on Haas Center Distributes Blatantly False “Stanford Votes” Stickers
Haas Center Distributes Blatantly False “Stanford Votes” Stickers

Stickers distributed across campus by the Haas Center for Public Service, boldly featuring the phrase “Stanford Votes,” have prompted widespread confusion about how the ad campaign got approved despite being provably false. “Stanford Votes?,” remarked a visibly confused Akul Bhargava, president of Stanford in Government, upon first seeing the stickers. […]

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Eurotrash Now A Twelve-Part Lecture Series About Brexit

October 1, 2018 10:41 amComments Off on Eurotrash Now A Twelve-Part Lecture Series About Brexit
Eurotrash Now A Twelve-Part Lecture Series About Brexit

Freshmen eager to attend their first-ever college party were left disappointed Friday night when, upon showing up to Kappa Sigma drunk and ready to dance, they were turned away and told that Eurotrash had been restructured as a lecture series exploring the sociocultural underpinnings of Brexit. “This is the first […]

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After Years of Palace Intrigue, Machiavellian Mastermind Becomes Student Group’s Financial Officer

June 9, 2018 7:32 pmComments Off on After Years of Palace Intrigue, Machiavellian Mastermind Becomes Student Group’s Financial Officer
After Years of Palace Intrigue, Machiavellian Mastermind Becomes Student Group’s Financial Officer

“My schemes are at their zenith,” cackled sophomore Lucian Snert early Monday morning when he awoke to see an email asking him to be financial officer for his a cappella group next year. “All comes together, like a puppet master yanking strings, and my plot arises like the Leviathan from […]

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Local Partygoer Horrified to Realize Watermelon-Flavored Beer Tastes Nothing Like Watermelon

June 4, 2018 11:59 amComments Off on Local Partygoer Horrified to Realize Watermelon-Flavored Beer Tastes Nothing Like Watermelon
Local Partygoer Horrified to Realize Watermelon-Flavored Beer Tastes Nothing Like Watermelon

  Disaster struck last Friday night when junior Roderick Prune, while attending an all-campus party at TDX, took a sip from a so-called “watermelon-flavored beer” only to immediately realize it tasted nothing like watermelon and, in fact, mostly just tasted like shitty beer.   Aghast, Prune spat the drink out, […]

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Silicon Valley Thrilled by New “Uber for Serfs” Startup

May 29, 2018 12:00 pmComments Off on Silicon Valley Thrilled by New “Uber for Serfs” Startup
Silicon Valley Thrilled by New “Uber for Serfs” Startup

In an announcement that has sent shockwaves across Silicon Valley, a new startup billing itself as “Uber for Serfs” has announced plans to go public later this month. The startup, feef, is already attracting hordes of eager VC’s looking to get a stake in the company before its shares skyrocket […]

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Science Win: Neil deGrasse Tyson Just Disproved Alf

May 16, 2018 11:17 pmComments Off on Science Win: Neil deGrasse Tyson Just Disproved Alf
Science Win: Neil deGrasse Tyson Just Disproved Alf

Sci-fi fans, watch out — someone’s coming for ya! Acclaimed astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson has already made a name for himself with his cheeky debunkings of popular films and TV shows, but the Tweetstorm he unleashed last night just about takes the cake: using science, reason, and logic, Mr. Tyson […]

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