Articles by: Brian Contreras

Imposter Syndrome is Leading Issue Among Students Who Murdered Admit and Stole Their Identity, Study Finds

April 15, 2019 11:59 amComments Off on Imposter Syndrome is Leading Issue Among Students Who Murdered Admit and Stole Their Identity, Study Finds
Imposter Syndrome is Leading Issue Among Students Who Murdered Admit and Stole Their Identity, Study Finds

A recent study by Counseling and Psychological Services has identified imposter syndrome as the leading mental health issue among students who murdered an admitted high schooler and stole their identity, CAPS reported earlier this week. “Moreso than depression, anxiety, and eating disorders, our research suggests that imposter syndrome is actually […]

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Captain Marvel Under Fire After Mistaking Pakistani Village for “An Alien Spaceship”

March 11, 2019 7:00 pmComments Off on Captain Marvel Under Fire After Mistaking Pakistani Village for “An Alien Spaceship”
Captain Marvel Under Fire After Mistaking Pakistani Village for “An Alien Spaceship”

Facing increased scrutiny amid the release of her new movie, superhero and former air force pilot Captain Marvel is now under fire over an incident that took place during her time with the U.S. military wherein she leveled a small Pakistani village after allegedly mistaking it for an alien spaceship. […]

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Klobuchar Attacks Booker for Being “An Electoralist Hack” with “No Handle on Dialectical Materialism”

March 4, 2019 7:00 pmComments Off on Klobuchar Attacks Booker for Being “An Electoralist Hack” with “No Handle on Dialectical Materialism”
Klobuchar Attacks Booker for Being “An Electoralist Hack” with “No Handle on Dialectical Materialism”

As the presidential primary season gets under way and the Democratic roster becomes increasingly packed with candidates looking to go toe-to-toe with President Trump in 2020, things have taken a nasty turn after Sen. Amy Klobuchar publicly attacked Sen. Cory Booker as “an electoralist hack” with “absolutely no handle on […]

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Unpaid Intern Covers Rent with Work Experience

February 4, 2019 7:00 pmComments Off on Unpaid Intern Covers Rent with Work Experience
Unpaid Intern Covers Rent with Work Experience

As the end of last month approached, Scott Davies — an unpaid intern for a local architecture firm — was beginning to worry about how he’d cover his rent. But after checking his lease, Davies realized he had nothing to fear: his landlord accepted ‘work experience’ as payment. “Since my […]

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Newly-Announced Strain of ‘Cuties’ Never Goes Bad, Even as Image on Packaging Rots Away

January 22, 2019 7:00 pmComments Off on Newly-Announced Strain of ‘Cuties’ Never Goes Bad, Even as Image on Packaging Rots Away
Newly-Announced Strain of ‘Cuties’ Never Goes Bad, Even as Image on Packaging Rots Away

Grocery stores will soon have a little something extra to offer hungry shoppers, following an announcement by the ‘Cuties’ brand of a soon-to-be-released type of clementine that will reportedly never go bad. Instead, the multinational fruit conglomerate promises, the grinning cartoon mascot that adorns every package will slowly rot away, […]

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Journalists Perplexed By Sarah Huckabee Sanders’ Assertion That Everything She Says Is False, Even This

December 3, 2018 7:00 pmComments Off on Journalists Perplexed By Sarah Huckabee Sanders’ Assertion That Everything She Says Is False, Even This
Journalists Perplexed By Sarah Huckabee Sanders’ Assertion That Everything She Says Is False, Even This

A recent press conference ended in mayhem after White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders insisted to a gathered crowd of journalists that everything she said was false, even this. “I speak no truths, yet even then // Mine riddles trick the mind again,” a smirking Huckabee Sanders explained to […]

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Wow! Bernie Sanders Said He Doesn’t Like Anchovies and Now Conservatives Are Eating Pound After Pound of Salty Fish

November 22, 2018 1:00 pmComments Off on Wow! Bernie Sanders Said He Doesn’t Like Anchovies and Now Conservatives Are Eating Pound After Pound of Salty Fish
Wow! Bernie Sanders Said He Doesn’t Like Anchovies and Now Conservatives Are Eating Pound After Pound of Salty Fish

With political polarization at a fever pitch, it sometimes feels like there’s no middle ground between Democrats and Republicans. And things are only getting worse, if this latest scandal is any indication — after Senator Bernie Sanders offhandedly mentioned that he doesn’t like anchovies, America’s conservatives have taken it upon […]

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Stanford to Begin Replacing Classes with Google Onboarding Program

November 5, 2018 7:00 pmComments Off on Stanford to Begin Replacing Classes with Google Onboarding Program
Stanford to Begin Replacing Classes with Google Onboarding Program

As part of Stanford’s ongoing long-range planning initiative, University President Marc Tessier-Lavigne and Provost Persis Drell announced Monday morning an ambitious new vision for Stanford that will see “classes” and “schoolwork” gradually phased out and replaced with a multi-stage onboarding program for future Google employees. “Stanford’s current model of education […]

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Confused Drug Dealer Guns Down Man Wearing “Female Body Inspector” Novelty Shirt

October 22, 2018 7:00 pmComments Off on Confused Drug Dealer Guns Down Man Wearing “Female Body Inspector” Novelty Shirt
Confused Drug Dealer Guns Down Man Wearing “Female Body Inspector” Novelty Shirt

Tragedy struck late Sunday night when local drug dealer Ricky “The Goon” “The Man” “Goon Man” Randazzo, believing his cocaine operation had finally been found out by the Feds, shot to death a man wearing a novelty “Female Body Inspector” t-shirt. The victim, Carter Fribb, had bought the misleading shirt […]

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Haas Center Distributes Blatantly False “Stanford Votes” Stickers

October 15, 2018 7:00 pmComments Off on Haas Center Distributes Blatantly False “Stanford Votes” Stickers
Haas Center Distributes Blatantly False “Stanford Votes” Stickers

Stickers distributed across campus by the Haas Center for Public Service, boldly featuring the phrase “Stanford Votes,” have prompted widespread confusion about how the ad campaign got approved despite being provably false. “Stanford Votes?,” remarked a visibly confused Akul Bhargava, president of Stanford in Government, upon first seeing the stickers. […]

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