Op Ed: How Does It Feel To Take A Life, Charles?

October 23, 2019 12:00 pm
Op Ed: How Does It Feel To Take A Life, Charles?

Look at me, Charles. No, no — don’t look away. Don’t you dare try to get out of this one, Charles. We know what you did, and you’re not getting out of it this time. You smushed that ant, Charles, and for what — the sin of wanting a taste […]

Read more ›

Op-Ed: My Brain Is A Greased-Up Dragon and I Have to Wrestle It to The Ground and Count to Ten Every Time I Want to Say Something Coherent

October 16, 2019 12:00 pm
Op-Ed: My Brain Is A Greased-Up Dragon and I Have to Wrestle It to The Ground and Count to Ten Every Time I Want to Say Something Coherent

“Help!” cries the fair maiden in the tower. She represents my good ideas and also ingrained sexist tropes impressed upon my younger mind by a patriarchal society that which depicts women as passive and helpless. “Rawr!” cries the terrible little dragon flying about, guarding the maiden with its steely eyes […]

Read more ›

Op Ed: To Prepare for the Math 51 Final, I Created a “Mind Palace” Full of Dancing, Anthropomorphic Versions of the Digits Zero Through Nine

June 10, 2019 12:00 pm
Op Ed: To Prepare for the Math 51 Final, I Created a “Mind Palace” Full of Dancing, Anthropomorphic Versions of the Digits Zero Through Nine

When you first see a math problem on the impending Math 51 final, how will your piddling neurons respond? Upon reaching a particularly tricksy question, will your simple brain opt to solve it? You moron. You fool. You absolute shitbrain. I’ve moved far beyond such base concerns, for you see, […]

Read more ›

Op Ed: Yes, I’m Addicted to Communion Wafers, and No, I Won’t Shut Up About It

May 21, 2019 5:00 pm
Op Ed: Yes, I’m Addicted to Communion Wafers, and No, I Won’t Shut Up About It

There’s this part in the New Testament where Jesus rips off a chunk of his body and turns it into Communion wafers and is all, “Yo, eat some of my flesh!” And while some “progressive” Christians want to claim that that’s a metaphor or whatever, those sadsack excuses for Jeliebers […]

Read more ›

Op Ed: My Body is an Anarcho-Syndicalist Workers Collective, and I Am Merely Its Elected Delegate

May 18, 2019 4:46 pm
Op Ed: My Body is an Anarcho-Syndicalist Workers Collective, and I Am Merely Its Elected Delegate

I was a king once. As a child, I could command my limbs to move how I wanted, my lungs to breath at my command, my lips and teeth and tongue to eat as much as my greedy little body could hold. But over time my power deteriorated — the […]

Read more ›

Clarification: We Didn’t Really Mean Arson In Our Threat Against Daily

May 12, 2019 9:45 pm
Clarification: We Didn’t Really Mean Arson In Our Threat Against Daily

Well, okay, maybe we did, but that wasn’t the Only action we were going to perpetrate against them for violating the ancient Code of Satire. So let us clarify, since there seems to have been a slight misunderstanding when we were communicating our threat. In retaliation against the Daily’s creation of a […]

Read more ›