Oops: I Changed My Zoom Display Name to the True Name of Yahweh and My Professor Exploded in a Plume of Brimstone

May 26, 2020 2:53 pm
Oops: I Changed My Zoom Display Name to the True Name of Yahweh and My Professor Exploded in a Plume of Brimstone

Earlier today during lecture, I was messing around on Zoom and noticed that you can change your display name to whatever you want. “What fun!” I thought to myself. “What a goof!” I was so innocent then, knowing not of the ancient and terrible forces I would unleash with my […]

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Op-Ed: Why Even Have Rush if We Can’t Spit Into Each Others’ Mouths?

May 17, 2020 11:48 am
Op-Ed: Why Even Have Rush if We Can’t Spit Into Each Others’ Mouths?
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Op-Ed: My Coronavirus Dreams Are Just Me Going Through My Normal Day But As A Worm

11:45 am
Op-Ed: My Coronavirus Dreams Are Just Me Going Through My Normal Day But As A Worm

It seems that this virus has really wormed its way into everyones’ psyches! Since lockdown started, the nation’s collective dreamscape has been weird as shit. My friend has recurring nightmares about being hunted for sport by ecofascists in the Wyoming swamplands, for example, and my aunt keeps dreaming about kneading […]

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Report: Vivid Incest Dreams Totally Normal, Everybody Else is Having Them Too

May 12, 2020 4:34 pm
Report: Vivid Incest Dreams Totally Normal, Everybody Else is Having Them Too
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Op-Ed: The One Upside of Zoom University? Not Getting Punched Every Time I Tell Dr. Martin He Doesn’t Deserve Tenure

4:14 pm
Op-Ed: The One Upside of Zoom University? Not Getting Punched Every Time I Tell Dr. Martin He Doesn’t Deserve Tenure

Sure, it’s a little scary to see Dr. Martin on Zoom with his face shrouded and voice gravelly, talking about the death of all good things. Sure, it’s concerning to see him go on wild tangents about his third ex-wife or the time he lived as a sex worker in […]

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Op-Ed: My Internship at NASA Was Cancelled So I’m Going to Poach Elephant Ivory in The Orient, Instead

May 11, 2020 9:11 pm
Op-Ed: My Internship at NASA Was Cancelled So I’m Going to Poach Elephant Ivory in The Orient, Instead

I got a job at NASA for the summer. You wouldn’t have heard about it, it was a secret internship where you had to crack a code on their website and then you could find out how to apply. And when I showed up for the interview I gave them […]

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