I’d had my suspicions for a while, but I hadn’t had any proof. Maybe it was the way my boyfriend Matt was only willing to plonk me if the lights were off. Maybe it was the blatant photoshop they use in porn. Maybe it was the way that SHPRC kept gallons of mayonnaise next to the condoms and the birth control.

But finally, after months of vivid hypothesizing, I caught him! I told Matt that he’d have to warn me when he was about to cum, and when he did, I whipped out the flashlight that I had stolen from my RF and shined it on his crotch. Instead of “ejaculating”, he was dripping a small ladle of tartar sauce over my stomach—caught like a rat in a trap, he was! Like a deer in headlights! Like a potato without a license to appear in a novelty sandwich shop!

With the cat out of the bag and pepper spray pointed at his eyes, Matt told me everything. He confessed that there was, in fact, a global conspiracy among penis-havers: instead of spray-painting pearl jam over their target of choice and giving up their precious life essence, they would be using a viscous off-white fluid instead.

In short, the male orgasm is a myth. There’s no such thing. Semen doesn’t actually exist—instead, it’s some combination of mayonnaise, correction fluid, and white paint, all diluted with tears of the forsaken. In fact, uterus-havers don’t even need penises to get pregnant! Eggs are instead fertilized by the bromopropane found in white-out.

Maybe this is a shock to you—I know it was to me. Maybe you think, “but I’m sure I’ve seen [such and such or so and so] ejaculate through the penis!” I’m sorry, but I’m here to tell you that it’s all an elaborate hoax.  It is a cruel, vicious lie perpetrated through control of the media, complicated optical illusions, and denial. I don’t make excuses for the truth, and facts don’t have feelings.