Op Ed: To Prepare for the Math 51 Final, I Created a “Mind Palace” Full of Dancing, Anthropomorphic Versions of the Digits Zero Through Nine

June 10, 2019 12:00 pm
Op Ed: To Prepare for the Math 51 Final, I Created a “Mind Palace” Full of Dancing, Anthropomorphic Versions of the Digits Zero Through Nine

When you first see a math problem on the impending Math 51 final, how will your piddling neurons respond? Upon reaching a particularly tricksy question, will your simple brain opt to solve it? You moron. You fool. You absolute shitbrain. I’ve moved far beyond such base concerns, for you see, […]

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Op Ed: Yes, I’m Addicted to Communion Wafers, and No, I Won’t Shut Up About It

May 21, 2019 5:00 pm
Op Ed: Yes, I’m Addicted to Communion Wafers, and No, I Won’t Shut Up About It

There’s this part in the New Testament where Jesus rips off a chunk of his body and turns it into Communion wafers and is all, “Yo, eat some of my flesh!” And while some “progressive” Christians want to claim that that’s a metaphor or whatever, those sadsack excuses for Jeliebers […]

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Op Ed: My Body is an Anarcho-Syndicalist Workers Collective, and I Am Merely Its Elected Delegate

May 18, 2019 4:46 pm
Op Ed: My Body is an Anarcho-Syndicalist Workers Collective, and I Am Merely Its Elected Delegate

I was a king once. As a child, I could command my limbs to move how I wanted, my lungs to breath at my command, my lips and teeth and tongue to eat as much as my greedy little body could hold. But over time my power deteriorated — the […]

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Clarification: We Didn’t Really Mean Arson In Our Threat Against Daily

May 12, 2019 9:45 pm
Clarification: We Didn’t Really Mean Arson In Our Threat Against Daily

Well, okay, maybe we did, but that wasn’t the Only action we were going to perpetrate against them for violating the ancient Code of Satire. So let us clarify, since there seems to have been a slight misunderstanding when we were communicating our threat. In retaliation against the Daily’s creation of a […]

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I’m Retiring from the Thomas the Tank Engine Fandom

April 17, 2019 2:48 pm
I’m Retiring from the Thomas the Tank Engine Fandom

I’m sick of it all. I quit. I came here out of admiration, appreciation. The first time I laid eyes on Thomas the Tank Engine—that perfect azure coat, the gentle curve of the wheels, the soft yet piercing smile on that round, round face—I knew he was perfect. And things […]

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Op-Ed: Today I Was Arrested at Tresidder For Throwing My Trash in the Wrong Bin

April 16, 2019 7:00 pm
Op-Ed: Today I Was Arrested at Tresidder For Throwing My Trash in the Wrong Bin

Look, I get it, but when the cops accost you two seconds after throwing away your Aquafina — it’s always Aquafina! — in the compost instead of whichever one it’s actually supposed to go in, you realize something about man’s vision of heaven. And lemme tell you: it ain’t pretty. […]

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