Elon Musk Restricted to 60 minutes of Internet a Day

October 10, 2018 12:00 pm
Elon Musk Restricted to 60 minutes of Internet a Day

After Elon Musk jokingly tweeted last week that Tesla would be going private at $69 dollars — a fiasco that cost the company trillions in panic and reputation — board members have been scrambling for a way to prevent this and other recent disasters from becoming a pattern for the […]

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Op-Ed: My Classmates Keep Playing Devil’s Advocate. I Want to Play God’s Advocate.

October 8, 2018 7:00 pm
Op-Ed: My Classmates Keep Playing Devil’s Advocate. I Want to Play God’s Advocate.

Every class I’m in, there always seems to be someone at hand to advocate for the will of Satan. And quite frankly? I’ve had enough of the imbalance. If everyone else is going to keep playing Devil’s Advocate, then it’s high time I play God’s. The Lord has a place […]

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The Forty-Year Old Virgin: An Interview With Brett Kavanaugh

7:00 pm
The Forty-Year Old Virgin: An Interview With Brett Kavanaugh

Brett Michael Kavanaugh – leader, patriot, lifetime celibate. In an exclusive interview with The Flipside, the newest Supreme Court Justice clears the air about some of the pesky controversies surrounding his recent appointment. The Honorable Judge began our conversation with an emphatic declaration: “I have never had sex. I’ve never […]

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Seeking Defense Against Allegations, Law Professor Insists He’s 1/37.5th Asian

7:00 pm
Seeking Defense Against Allegations, Law Professor Insists He’s 1/37.5th Asian

On Tuesday, The Fountain Hopper broke news that Stanford Law School Professor John Donohue had been accused of using racial slurs against a group of Asian basketball players. After initially labeling the allegations defamatory, Donohue has since updated his position on the matter by citing his own “deeply-held Asian heritage” […]

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Stanford Still Refusing to Divest from Abbadon the Soul Eater

7:00 pm
Stanford Still Refusing to Divest from Abbadon the Soul Eater

In a statement made to the Board of Trustees early Monday morning, President Marc Tessier-Lavigne confirmed that despite ongoing protests from the student body, Stanford has no immediate plans to divest from Abbadon the Soul Eater. Tessier-Lavigne cited “enormous profits” and “the continued Hell-blessed prosperity of the endowment” as reasons […]

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Erratic Presentation by ‘Onion’ Co-Founder Culminates With Public Shitting

9:00 am
Erratic Presentation by ‘Onion’ Co-Founder Culminates With Public Shitting

In a rambling presentation — to use the term loosely — that took place deep in the stacks of Green Library Thursday evening, ‘The Onion’ co-founder Scott Dikkers advocated for authenticity, humor and the worship of an apocalyptic death cult known as the Noino before explosively defecating as students nearby […]

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