iCarly Under Fire for “Truth Behind 9/11” Vlog

June 10, 2019 12:00 pm
iCarly Under Fire for “Truth Behind 9/11” Vlog

Teen vlog star Carly Shay — popularly known as “iCarly,” after her eponymous web series — has found herself in hot water this past week after airing an 80-minute segment entitled “The Truth Behind 9/11: What the Lizardoids Don’t Want You to Know About the Sixth Tower: Fahrenheit Two Billion: […]

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Op Ed: To Prepare for the Math 51 Final, I Created a “Mind Palace” Full of Dancing, Anthropomorphic Versions of the Digits Zero Through Nine

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Op Ed: To Prepare for the Math 51 Final, I Created a “Mind Palace” Full of Dancing, Anthropomorphic Versions of the Digits Zero Through Nine

When you first see a math problem on the impending Math 51 final, how will your piddling neurons respond? Upon reaching a particularly tricksy question, will your simple brain opt to solve it? You moron. You fool. You absolute shitbrain. I’ve moved far beyond such base concerns, for you see, […]

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Average Stanford Student Adversity Score Somehow in the Negatives

May 31, 2019 12:00 pm
Average Stanford Student Adversity Score Somehow in the Negatives

Researchers were shocked to discover that the average Stanford student scores a -3.4 on the SAT’s recently-introduced adversity scale. “It’s just bonkers,” said one College Board representative. “We didn’t even know that there could be scores below zero.” Formally known as the Environmental Context Dashboard, the new adversity score system […]

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CS Department to Add Karaoke Subtitle Mode to Lectures, Bouncy Dot Included

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CS Department to Add Karaoke Subtitle Mode to Lectures, Bouncy Dot Included

In an attempt to try to restore popularity to the discipline of computer science here on campus after the crushing blow of the removal of the popular CS+X program, Stanford’s CS department has announced its plan to provide subtitles with every lecture recording with an added twist: these subtitles will […]

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Op Ed: A Joseph A. Banks Employee Won’t Stop Crashing My Lecture, and When a Tie Clip Took My Right Eye I’d Had Enough

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Portrait of boy, emotion, angry, grey background

“You’re dressed like shit! Take this!” the man screams. He rips off a boy’s Henley shirt, sets it on fire, and then hands him a starched, white shirt. Stiff collar and all. Oh boy, here we go again. Three times a week this man comes in here — I don’t […]

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Attention Earthlings: We Are Now Entering the Umami Phase of the Moon’s Orbit

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Attention Earthlings: We Are Now Entering the Umami Phase of the Moon’s Orbit

Waxing sweet, waning sour, new bitter, full salty: we’ve lived with these basic four moon orbit-flavors for our entire lives, and we’re used to them. But far fewer people know of a fifth secret phase, one that only occurs once every two hundred years when the celestial bodies line up […]

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