Carta Rolls Out New “Likelihood Your Professor Will Get MeToo’d” Statistic

October 9, 2019 12:00 pm
Carta Rolls Out New “Likelihood Your Professor Will Get MeToo’d” Statistic

This past week, news of the resignation of Marty Stepp, the subject of multiple Title IX investigations and a CS Lecturer who coincidentally was Facebook friends with an uncomfortable number of former students, shocked students and faculty across campus. The administration quickly jumped into high gear to do what it […]

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To Curb Pollution, Trump Administration Recommends Reusing Condoms

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To Curb Pollution, Trump Administration Recommends Reusing Condoms

In a ground-breaking study published Friday morning, the Environmental Protections Agency (EPA) stated that reusing your condoms will prove key to reducing overall plastic and rubber consumption in the coming decades. The report was released amid concerns that there is currently not enough being done to combat climate change in […]

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Study Reveals Cars Prefer Eating Cyclists With Helmets Over Those Without

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Study Reveals Cars Prefer Eating Cyclists With Helmets Over Those Without

New research on the gastronomical habits of motor vehicles has revealed that cars — and to a lesser extent buses, motorcycles, and trucks — express a significant dietary preference for cyclists wearing helmets over those who ride with scalp and hair exposed. Scientists have deduced that this is because, like […]

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The Opportunity of a Lifetime? Join the Flipside! Read On…

October 2, 2019 12:00 pm
The Opportunity of a Lifetime? Join the Flipside! Read On…

Pssst — hey! Hey you! Yeah, you, with the cute face and the existential dread. Great to see ya! We just wanted to write a quick back-to-school note (especially for all those new folks out there) and pre-emptively answer some of those burning-hot questions this here slip of paper might […]

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Admissions Rate Dips Below 2% for all Laboratory Rodents at Stanford

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Admissions Rate Dips Below 2% for all Laboratory Rodents at Stanford

With a mere 4% acceptance rate, Stanford boasts the most competitive admissions for university human applicants. However, an even more shocking number was released yesterday — only 1.7% of all lab mice that applied to be experimented on in Stanford labs were accepted this year. With access to the newest […]

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An Open Letter from Susie Brubaker-Cole: It is With a Heavy Heart That I Must Solemnly Declare That No ““Fucking”” Is Permitted to Occur on This Noble Campus

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Susie (Susan Jean) Brubaker-Cole  VICE PROVOST FOR STUDENT AFFAIRS

Friends, Cardinals, countrymen—lend me your ears! The trials and tribulations of this first week have no doubt been many, from classes scheduled to take place in nonexistent buildings to freak bicycle collisions with clowns carrying large panes of glass across the road. But, in the wake of Beyond Sex Ed, […]

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