Trump Sends Out Second Stimulus Package

Following an executive order, President Donald Junipero Trump has sent out “a…

Government Returns Stolen Mailboxes With Teeth, Sentience

Following the mysterious removal of post office boxes across the nation, the…

Op-ed: I’m a School Shooter and Zoom Is Making Things Somewhat Inconvenient

Hey, my name is Kolin. I’m what the FBI database calls “a…

Zoom Sucks! Now It’s Not Fun to Masturbate in Class

Look, don’t get me wrong; my sock drawer has been emptied for…

Bike Left on Campus Gets Struck by Lightning and Gains Sentience — But Slowly Goes Insane Because It is Chained Outside to a Sign-pole and Cannot Escape

He calls himself Nork. A rusting grey Schwinn, he sits day after…

Op-Ed: My Coronavirus Dreams Are Just Me Going Through My Normal Day But As A Worm

It seems that this virus has really wormed its way into everyones’…

Op-Ed: I Was Going to Work at NASA and Now I Am Not, But I Was Going To and I Am Smart

I’m just writing this so all of you know that, even though…

Op-Ed: I’m an Assistant Professor and I Show You I’m Cool Through My Hip Emails

Hey, little dude. It’s me, your assistant professor in his mid-thirties, the…

Climate Change Deniers Describe Australian Fires as God’s Punishment for Cats

DOWN UNDER, AU – Climate change deniers in Australia recently contributed several…

Steinbeck Wins Creative Writing Prize Posthumously for Eightieth Year in Row

The Stanford English Department has announced that, for the eighth straight decade,…