Articles by: Gracie Newman

Zoom Sucks! Now It’s Not Fun to Masturbate in Class

June 23, 2020 11:36 pmComments Off on Zoom Sucks! Now It’s Not Fun to Masturbate in Class
Zoom Sucks! Now It’s Not Fun to Masturbate in Class

Look, don’t get me wrong; my sock drawer has been emptied for weeks and every grocery store within a five-mile radius is out of blueberry jelly. But yanking the ol’ hog in class just isn’t the same these days. There’s no sense of thrill when everyone is thousands of miles […]

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Bike Left on Campus Gets Struck by Lightning and Gains Sentience — But Slowly Goes Insane Because It is Chained Outside to a Sign-pole and Cannot Escape

June 22, 2020 3:09 pmComments Off on Bike Left on Campus Gets Struck by Lightning and Gains Sentience — But Slowly Goes Insane Because It is Chained Outside to a Sign-pole and Cannot Escape
Bike Left on Campus Gets Struck by Lightning and Gains Sentience — But Slowly Goes Insane Because It is Chained Outside to a Sign-pole and Cannot Escape

He calls himself Nork. A rusting grey Schwinn, he sits day after day under a stop-sign outside of the Hoover institution. The bicycle, once a blissfully inanimate pedestrian hazard, was struck by lightning during a rare thunderstorm on Stanford’s campus in early May. “I felt a sort of naughty tingling […]

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Op-Ed: My Coronavirus Dreams Are Just Me Going Through My Normal Day But As A Worm

May 17, 2020 11:45 amComments Off on Op-Ed: My Coronavirus Dreams Are Just Me Going Through My Normal Day But As A Worm
Op-Ed: My Coronavirus Dreams Are Just Me Going Through My Normal Day But As A Worm

It seems that this virus has really wormed its way into everyones’ psyches! Since lockdown started, the nation’s collective dreamscape has been weird as shit. My friend has recurring nightmares about being hunted for sport by ecofascists in the Wyoming swamplands, for example, and my aunt keeps dreaming about kneading […]

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Op-Ed: I Was Going to Work at NASA and Now I Am Not, But I Was Going To and I Am Smart

May 11, 2020 9:08 pmComments Off on Op-Ed: I Was Going to Work at NASA and Now I Am Not, But I Was Going To and I Am Smart
Op-Ed: I Was Going to Work at NASA and Now I Am Not, But I Was Going To and I Am Smart

I’m just writing this so all of you know that, even though I won’t be working at NASA this summer, I was totally going to. Just to be clear, I was chosen from a very large applicant pool of hot geniuses because I am the best. And also, I am […]

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Op-Ed: I’m an Assistant Professor and I Show You I’m Cool Through My Hip Emails

February 14, 2020 9:52 amComments Off on Op-Ed: I’m an Assistant Professor and I Show You I’m Cool Through My Hip Emails
Op-Ed: I’m an Assistant Professor and I Show You I’m Cool Through My Hip Emails

Hey, little dude. It’s me, your assistant professor in his mid-thirties, the one with the cool bolo tie. I’m just writing up this quick little email to let you know that I’m super young and relatable. I’m you in five years, or maybe twelve. I sign my emails with my […]

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Climate Change Deniers Describe Australian Fires as God’s Punishment for Cats

January 15, 2020 12:58 pmComments Off on Climate Change Deniers Describe Australian Fires as God’s Punishment for Cats
Climate Change Deniers Describe Australian Fires as God’s Punishment for Cats

DOWN UNDER, AU – Climate change deniers in Australia recently contributed several eyewitness reports, claiming that the wildfires decimating Australia’s wildlife momentarily ceased yesterday to deliver a divine message. The fires, which have proved to be devastating for all but serial arsonists and importers of dried kangaroo meat, have now […]

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Steinbeck Wins Creative Writing Prize Posthumously for Eightieth Year in Row

June 10, 2019 3:00 pmComments Off on Steinbeck Wins Creative Writing Prize Posthumously for Eightieth Year in Row
Steinbeck Wins Creative Writing Prize Posthumously for Eightieth Year in Row

The Stanford English Department has announced that, for the eighth straight decade, John Ernest Steinbeck Jr. has won the less-than-competitive fiction prize awarded to a marginally literate undergraduate every year. “We were really struck by his submission ‘The Vigilante,’” said one judge. “His nuanced and thoughtful treatment of themes such […]

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Average Stanford Student Adversity Score Somehow in the Negatives

May 31, 2019 12:00 pmComments Off on Average Stanford Student Adversity Score Somehow in the Negatives
Average Stanford Student Adversity Score Somehow in the Negatives

Researchers were shocked to discover that the average Stanford student scores a -3.4 on the SAT’s recently-introduced adversity scale. “It’s just bonkers,” said one College Board representative. “We didn’t even know that there could be scores below zero.” Formally known as the Environmental Context Dashboard, the new adversity score system […]

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Flipside News in Brief: Georgian Mistresses, AAU Surveys, and Night Rabbits

May 18, 2019 4:49 pmComments Off on Flipside News in Brief: Georgian Mistresses, AAU Surveys, and Night Rabbits
Georgia State Capitol Building in Atlanta, Georgia, USA.

Georgia Passes de facto Abortion Ban, Exception for Senators’ Mistresses News came last week of a Georgia bill outlawing abortions, a potential challenge to the Supreme Court’s Roe v. Wade ruling. Interestingly, the fine print of the bill includes a single loophole — women ages 18 to 22 working under the […]

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Dear Abby, My Roommate Built a Guillotine and I’m Worried He’s Going to Execute Me

May 7, 2019 7:00 pmComments Off on Dear Abby, My Roommate Built a Guillotine and I’m Worried He’s Going to Execute Me
Dear Abby, My Roommate Built a Guillotine and I’m Worried He’s Going to Execute Me

Dear Abby, Abby, you sexy omniscient bitch, I’m worried. My roommate hasn’t changed out of his robe for a week because—according to him— “Robespierre doesn’t wear peasant clothes.” He’s built a guillotine in the middle of our one-room double, all eleven feet high of solid oak and shining steel, and […]

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