Op-ed: I’m An Athlete and I Am Cognizant About How to Utilize A Thesaurus to Make Myself Appear Lettered and Also More Cerebral As an athlete at Leland Stamford Junior University, I am unequivocally incensed… Gracie NewmanJune 13, 2021
Op-ed: If we shared a pond, I would not share fishing rights I was once a fish, but then I went to war. Terrible… Gracie NewmanJune 12, 2021
Fuck You, We Aren’t Going to Write About the Coup Hey, you—yeah, you! The jackoff with the ear that looks like a… Gracie NewmanJune 11, 2021
Dear Abby: The Lewd Worm in My Garden Is Making Me Uncomfortable Dearest Abby, I write to you with an unfortunate conundrum: the earthworm… Gracie NewmanFebruary 24, 2021
Op-Ed: Halloween 2020 Sucks Corona has made me realize a lot of things – that it… Gracie NewmanFebruary 8, 2021
Trump Sends Out Second Stimulus Package Following an executive order, President Donald Junipero Trump has sent out “a… Gracie NewmanJanuary 19, 2021
355 Articles Life Year 13 Government Returns Stolen Mailboxes With Teeth, Sentience Following the mysterious removal of post office boxes across the nation, the… Gracie NewmanOctober 6, 2020
354 Articles US Year 13 Op-ed: I’m a School Shooter and Zoom Is Making Things Somewhat Inconvenient Hey, my name is Kolin. I’m what the FBI database calls “a… Gracie NewmanSeptember 27, 2020
Zoom Sucks! Now It’s Not Fun to Masturbate in Class Look, don’t get me wrong; my sock drawer has been emptied for… Gracie NewmanJune 23, 2020
352 Articles Local Year 12 Bike Left on Campus Gets Struck by Lightning and Gains Sentience — But Slowly Goes Insane Because It is Chained Outside to a Sign-pole and Cannot Escape He calls himself Nork. A rusting grey Schwinn, he sits day after… Gracie NewmanJune 22, 2020
