Articles by: Gracie Newman

I Hate the Fucking Ski Trip—Let’s Go to Hell Instead

January 14, 2019 7:00 pmComments Off on I Hate the Fucking Ski Trip—Let’s Go to Hell Instead
I Hate the Fucking Ski Trip—Let’s Go to Hell Instead

The ski trip sucks, okay? Nobody cares about “mountains”, or “snow”, or “having fun”, or “contracting sepsis from the shitty beds or whatever I don’t really know what causes sepsis or even what sepsis is”. It’s a claustrophobic little fucknest of sin and depravity where you have to be in […]

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The Stanford Flipside Finals Survival Guide

December 10, 2018 7:00 pmComments Off on The Stanford Flipside Finals Survival Guide
The Stanford Flipside Finals Survival Guide

I’m here to give you an all-inclusive, comprehensive, slightly erotic survival guide to get you through this week.  First, I sit down at a desk and prepare to get to work. Not my own desk, because there are too many empty Svedka bottles on it, which are arranged by the […]

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Camp Fire Gets “A Little Out of Hand,” Incinerates West Campus

November 20, 2018 1:00 pmComments Off on Camp Fire Gets “A Little Out of Hand,” Incinerates West Campus
Camp Fire Gets “A Little Out of Hand,” Incinerates West Campus

According to several recent reports, the Johnson family campfire is “kind of becoming a problem.” What began as a nonthreatening combination of four moist twigs and a fake candle has morphed into “a bit of a national menace, more or less,” according to father Marty Johnson. Johnson admitted to having […]

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Roommate Procrastinates by Learning Fourth Language

November 12, 2018 7:00 pmComments Off on Roommate Procrastinates by Learning Fourth Language
Roommate Procrastinates by Learning Fourth Language

In recent news, yet another momentous achievement by your roommate has served to highlight your own fundamental inadequacy as a human being. While you were playing Fork Knife for the seventh consecutive hour this past Tuesday, recent reports have indicated that your cotenant was learning to speak Bulgarian. “I’m almost […]

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Trump Mistakes Stormy Daniels For All the Other Horses He’s Fucked

October 23, 2018 10:00 amComments Off on Trump Mistakes Stormy Daniels For All the Other Horses He’s Fucked
Trump Mistakes Stormy Daniels For All the Other Horses He’s Fucked

Media outlets derided Donald Trump after he referred to adult actress Stormy Daniels as “Horseface” on Twitter. President Trump has clarified the confusion, assuring the public that he was in fact referencing a different ex-lover from the late nineties. “There was this Clydesdale – gorgeous, with great tits, even better […]

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CAPS to be Reimagined as Haberdashery

October 22, 2018 7:00 pmComments Off on CAPS to be Reimagined as Haberdashery
CAPS to be Reimagined as Haberdashery

Dr. Melinda Skork, director of Counseling and Psychological Services, announced Monday that the student support program will begin transitioning into a men’s accessory store this year. “After much deliberation and amid ongoing funding issues, the University has concluded that what would most cost-effectively help students prosper is a high-end haberdashery,” […]

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The Forty-Year Old Virgin: An Interview With Brett Kavanaugh

October 8, 2018 7:00 pmComments Off on The Forty-Year Old Virgin: An Interview With Brett Kavanaugh
The Forty-Year Old Virgin: An Interview With Brett Kavanaugh

Brett Michael Kavanaugh – leader, patriot, lifetime celibate. In an exclusive interview with The Flipside, the newest Supreme Court Justice clears the air about some of the pesky controversies surrounding his recent appointment. The Honorable Judge began our conversation with an emphatic declaration: “I have never had sex. I’ve never […]

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Dean Shaw Finally Announces One Admission Mistake

October 1, 2018 10:53 amComments Off on Dean Shaw Finally Announces One Admission Mistake
Dean Shaw Finally Announces One Admission Mistake

In breaking news, Dean Richard Shaw has revealed information on Stanford’s first admissions mistake. Spoiler: it’s you. The proclamation has left thousands of other students relieved, as they are now assured of their place at America’s most prestigious university, after Harvard, probably.   “After poring over admissions records, we’ve concluded […]

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RA’s “Alcoholism” Actually Cover For La Croix Addiction

January 29, 2018 12:00 pmComments Off on RA’s “Alcoholism” Actually Cover For La Croix Addiction
RA’s “Alcoholism” Actually Cover For La Croix Addiction

STANFORD, CA – Claiming that he just couldn’t handle the secrecy anymore, Serra resident advisor Wes Weake has admitted that his infamous alcohol abuse is only a ruse he came up with to hide his addiction to La Croix. He came forward only after three freshman residents stumbled across him […]

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Faculty Senate Surprised That 50% of Students Actually Think Professors Care About Them

November 7, 2017 12:00 pmComments Off on Faculty Senate Surprised That 50% of Students Actually Think Professors Care About Them
Faculty Senate Surprised That 50% of Students Actually Think Professors Care About Them

After convening for their fist meeting of the year on October 27th, the Faculty Senate revealed a shocking statistic that as much as 50% of the student population are under the naive and misguided impression that the faculty care for their wellbeing. In between vague promises to implement more diversity […]

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