Articles by: Gracie Newman

Op-Ed: I’m an Assistant Professor and I Show You I’m Cool Through My Hip Emails

February 14, 2020 9:52 amComments Off on Op-Ed: I’m an Assistant Professor and I Show You I’m Cool Through My Hip Emails
Op-Ed: I’m an Assistant Professor and I Show You I’m Cool Through My Hip Emails

Hey, little dude. It’s me, your assistant professor in his mid-thirties, the one with the cool bolo tie. I’m just writing up this quick little email to let you know that I’m super young and relatable. I’m you in five years, or maybe twelve. I sign my emails with my […]

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Climate Change Deniers Describe Australian Fires as God’s Punishment for Cats

January 15, 2020 12:58 pmComments Off on Climate Change Deniers Describe Australian Fires as God’s Punishment for Cats
Climate Change Deniers Describe Australian Fires as God’s Punishment for Cats

DOWN UNDER, AU – Climate change deniers in Australia recently contributed several eyewitness reports, claiming that the wildfires decimating Australia’s wildlife momentarily ceased yesterday to deliver a divine message. The fires, which have proved to be devastating for all but serial arsonists and importers of dried kangaroo meat, have now […]

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Steinbeck Wins Creative Writing Prize Posthumously for Eightieth Year in Row

June 10, 2019 3:00 pmComments Off on Steinbeck Wins Creative Writing Prize Posthumously for Eightieth Year in Row
Steinbeck Wins Creative Writing Prize Posthumously for Eightieth Year in Row

The Stanford English Department has announced that, for the eighth straight decade, John Ernest Steinbeck Jr. has won the less-than-competitive fiction prize awarded to a marginally literate undergraduate every year. “We were really struck by his submission ‘The Vigilante,’” said one judge. “His nuanced and thoughtful treatment of themes such […]

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Average Stanford Student Adversity Score Somehow in the Negatives

May 31, 2019 12:00 pmComments Off on Average Stanford Student Adversity Score Somehow in the Negatives
Average Stanford Student Adversity Score Somehow in the Negatives

Researchers were shocked to discover that the average Stanford student scores a -3.4 on the SAT’s recently-introduced adversity scale. “It’s just bonkers,” said one College Board representative. “We didn’t even know that there could be scores below zero.” Formally known as the Environmental Context Dashboard, the new adversity score system […]

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Flipside News in Brief: Georgian Mistresses, AAU Surveys, and Night Rabbits

May 18, 2019 4:49 pmComments Off on Flipside News in Brief: Georgian Mistresses, AAU Surveys, and Night Rabbits
Georgia State Capitol Building in Atlanta, Georgia, USA.

Georgia Passes de facto Abortion Ban, Exception for Senators’ Mistresses News came last week of a Georgia bill outlawing abortions, a potential challenge to the Supreme Court’s Roe v. Wade ruling. Interestingly, the fine print of the bill includes a single loophole — women ages 18 to 22 working under the […]

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Dear Abby, My Roommate Built a Guillotine and I’m Worried He’s Going to Execute Me

May 7, 2019 7:00 pmComments Off on Dear Abby, My Roommate Built a Guillotine and I’m Worried He’s Going to Execute Me
Dear Abby, My Roommate Built a Guillotine and I’m Worried He’s Going to Execute Me

Dear Abby, Abby, you sexy omniscient bitch, I’m worried. My roommate hasn’t changed out of his robe for a week because—according to him— “Robespierre doesn’t wear peasant clothes.” He’s built a guillotine in the middle of our one-room double, all eleven feet high of solid oak and shining steel, and […]

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A Royal Decree from DavidMan to the Stanford Community

April 16, 2019 7:00 pmComments Off on A Royal Decree from DavidMan to the Stanford Community
A Royal Decree from DavidMan to the Stanford Community

To Our Loyal Constituents  Serfs, We, the DavidMan, have deigned to take valuable time out of our day to address the peasantry; so hear our words, and take heed. It has come to our attention that we completely and utterly dominated the recent ASSU election in a landslide vote — the […]

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Sailing Team Bribery Scandal Actually Cover Up for Black Market Organ Operation

March 20, 2019 8:46 amComments Off on Sailing Team Bribery Scandal Actually Cover Up for Black Market Organ Operation
Sailing Team Bribery Scandal Actually Cover Up for Black Market Organ Operation

Thanks to an anonymous tipster known only by the initials MTL, the Flipside has acquired substantial evidence that the Stanford sailing team’s recent racketeering scandal was in fact only a scheme meant to hide its true crimes. The sailors themselves planted the evidence that ultimately lead to federal accusations of […]

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In a Powerful Lecture at CEMEX Auditorium, Dinesh D’Souza Illustrates Holocaust with Sock Puppets

March 4, 2019 7:00 pmComments Off on In a Powerful Lecture at CEMEX Auditorium, Dinesh D’Souza Illustrates Holocaust with Sock Puppets
In a Powerful Lecture at CEMEX Auditorium, Dinesh D’Souza Illustrates Holocaust with Sock Puppets

Invited by the respected hate group known as the Stanford College Republicans, guest speaker and mild fascist Dinesh D’Souza made his fourth appearance at the Farm on Friday. In an artful and avant-garde performance, D’Souza used homemade sock puppets to produce a musical comedy about the Holocaust complete with colorful […]

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Student Without Summer Plans Just Going to Wait Tables, Maybe Die

February 11, 2019 7:00 pmComments Off on Student Without Summer Plans Just Going to Wait Tables, Maybe Die
Student Without Summer Plans Just Going to Wait Tables, Maybe Die

Saturday night, Stanford junior Jack Mehogg was reportedly distraught after being officially rejected from every single summer internship, grant, and job for which he applied. This development was the last element in a tragic sequence of events, one which started with birth and concluded the moment he opened that final, […]

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