Look, don’t get me wrong; my sock drawer has been emptied for weeks and every grocery store within a five-mile radius is out of blueberry jelly. But yanking the ol’ hog in class just isn’t the same these days. There’s no sense of thrill when everyone is thousands of miles […]

He calls himself Nork. A rusting grey Schwinn, he sits day after day under a stop-sign outside of the Hoover institution. The bicycle, once a blissfully inanimate pedestrian hazard, was struck by lightning during a rare thunderstorm on Stanford’s campus in early May. “I felt a sort of naughty tingling […]

It seems that this virus has really wormed its way into everyones’ psyches! Since lockdown started, the nation’s collective dreamscape has been weird as shit. My friend has recurring nightmares about being hunted for sport by ecofascists in the Wyoming swamplands, for example, and my aunt keeps dreaming about kneading […]

I’m just writing this so all of you know that, even though I won’t be working at NASA this summer, I was totally going to. Just to be clear, I was chosen from a very large applicant pool of hot geniuses because I am the best. And also, I am […]

Hey, little dude. It’s me, your assistant professor in his mid-thirties, the one with the cool bolo tie. I’m just writing up this quick little email to let you know that I’m super young and relatable. I’m you in five years, or maybe twelve. I sign my emails with my […]

DOWN UNDER, AU – Climate change deniers in Australia recently contributed several eyewitness reports, claiming that the wildfires decimating Australia’s wildlife momentarily ceased yesterday to deliver a divine message. The fires, which have proved to be devastating for all but serial arsonists and importers of dried kangaroo meat, have now […]

The Stanford English Department has announced that, for the eighth straight decade, John Ernest Steinbeck Jr. has won the less-than-competitive fiction prize awarded to a marginally literate undergraduate every year. “We were really struck by his submission ‘The Vigilante,’” said one judge. “His nuanced and thoughtful treatment of themes such […]

Researchers were shocked to discover that the average Stanford student scores a -3.4 on the SAT’s recently-introduced adversity scale. “It’s just bonkers,” said one College Board representative. “We didn’t even know that there could be scores below zero.” Formally known as the Environmental Context Dashboard, the new adversity score system […]

Georgia Passes de facto Abortion Ban, Exception for Senators’ Mistresses News came last week of a Georgia bill outlawing abortions, a potential challenge to the Supreme Court’s Roe v. Wade ruling. Interestingly, the fine print of the bill includes a single loophole — women ages 18 to 22 working under the […]

Dear Abby, Abby, you sexy omniscient bitch, I’m worried. My roommate hasn’t changed out of his robe for a week because—according to him— “Robespierre doesn’t wear peasant clothes.” He’s built a guillotine in the middle of our one-room double, all eleven feet high of solid oak and shining steel, and […]