Op-ed: I’m An Athlete and I Am Cognizant About How to Utilize A Thesaurus to Make Myself Appear Lettered and Also More Cerebral

As an athlete at Leland Stamford Junior University, I am unequivocally incensed…

Op-ed: If we shared a pond, I would not share fishing rights

I was once a fish, but then I went to war. Terrible…

Fuck You, We Aren’t Going to Write About the Coup

Hey, you—yeah, you! The jackoff with the ear that looks like a…

Dear Abby: The Lewd Worm in My Garden Is Making Me Uncomfortable

Dearest Abby,  I write to you with an unfortunate conundrum: the earthworm…

Op-Ed: Halloween 2020 Sucks

Corona has made me realize a lot of things – that it…

Trump Sends Out Second Stimulus Package

Following an executive order, President Donald Junipero Trump has sent out “a…

Government Returns Stolen Mailboxes With Teeth, Sentience

Following the mysterious removal of post office boxes across the nation, the…

Op-ed: I’m a School Shooter and Zoom Is Making Things Somewhat Inconvenient

Hey, my name is Kolin. I’m what the FBI database calls “a…

Zoom Sucks! Now It’s Not Fun to Masturbate in Class

Look, don’t get me wrong; my sock drawer has been emptied for…

Bike Left on Campus Gets Struck by Lightning and Gains Sentience — But Slowly Goes Insane Because It is Chained Outside to a Sign-pole and Cannot Escape

He calls himself Nork. A rusting grey Schwinn, he sits day after…