Articles by: Gracie Newman

CAPS to be Reimagined as Haberdashery

October 22, 2018 7:00 pmComments Off on CAPS to be Reimagined as Haberdashery
CAPS to be Reimagined as Haberdashery

Dr. Melinda Skork, director of Counseling and Psychological Services, announced Monday that the student support program will begin transitioning into a men’s accessory store this year. “After much deliberation and amid ongoing funding issues, the University has concluded that what would most cost-effectively help students prosper is a high-end haberdashery,” […]

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The Forty-Year Old Virgin: An Interview With Brett Kavanaugh

October 8, 2018 7:00 pmComments Off on The Forty-Year Old Virgin: An Interview With Brett Kavanaugh
The Forty-Year Old Virgin: An Interview With Brett Kavanaugh

Brett Michael Kavanaugh – leader, patriot, lifetime celibate. In an exclusive interview with The Flipside, the newest Supreme Court Justice clears the air about some of the pesky controversies surrounding his recent appointment. The Honorable Judge began our conversation with an emphatic declaration: “I have never had sex. I’ve never […]

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Dean Shaw Finally Announces One Admission Mistake

October 1, 2018 10:53 amComments Off on Dean Shaw Finally Announces One Admission Mistake
Dean Shaw Finally Announces One Admission Mistake

In breaking news, Dean Richard Shaw has revealed information on Stanford’s first admissions mistake. Spoiler: it’s you. The proclamation has left thousands of other students relieved, as they are now assured of their place at America’s most prestigious university, after Harvard, probably.   “After poring over admissions records, we’ve concluded […]

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RA’s “Alcoholism” Actually Cover For La Croix Addiction

January 29, 2018 12:00 pmComments Off on RA’s “Alcoholism” Actually Cover For La Croix Addiction
RA’s “Alcoholism” Actually Cover For La Croix Addiction

STANFORD, CA – Claiming that he just couldn’t handle the secrecy anymore, Serra resident advisor Wes Weake has admitted that his infamous alcohol abuse is only a ruse he came up with to hide his addiction to La Croix. He came forward only after three freshman residents stumbled across him […]

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Faculty Senate Surprised That 50% of Students Actually Think Professors Care About Them

November 7, 2017 12:00 pmComments Off on Faculty Senate Surprised That 50% of Students Actually Think Professors Care About Them
Faculty Senate Surprised That 50% of Students Actually Think Professors Care About Them

After convening for their fist meeting of the year on October 27th, the Faculty Senate revealed a shocking statistic that as much as 50% of the student population are under the naive and misguided impression that the faculty care for their wellbeing. In between vague promises to implement more diversity […]

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Students Seek Guidance on Petition to Fix Defective Soft Serve Ice Cream Machine from Adjunct Professor About to Be Evicted

November 6, 2017 12:00 pmComments Off on Students Seek Guidance on Petition to Fix Defective Soft Serve Ice Cream Machine from Adjunct Professor About to Be Evicted
Students Seek Guidance on Petition to Fix Defective Soft Serve Ice Cream Machine from Adjunct Professor About to Be Evicted

Looking to their favorite faculty member, adjunct professor and soon to be homeless Elizabeth Emula, for guidance, Stanford students Alexa Ante ’19 and William Woolf ’20 decided last week to begin circulating a petition for RD&E to replace the unreliable soft serve machines in Wilbur Dining. “Working ice cream machines […]

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Student Not Attractive Enough for Tourists to Take Pictures Of

October 31, 2017 12:00 pmComments Off on Student Not Attractive Enough for Tourists to Take Pictures Of
Student Not Attractive Enough for Tourists to Take Pictures Of

In a devastating turn of events this weekend, sources report that sophomore Jacob Keller has finally come to the conclusion that he is too ugly for even the most eager of tourists to photograph while touring campus. Following this revelation, the chemical engineering major found it impossible to walk to […]

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