The Secret Life of Pets 3: I Walked In On My Dog Running A Prostitution Ring in My Basement

October 29, 2019 4:29 pm
The Secret Life of Pets 3: I Walked In On My Dog Running A Prostitution Ring in My Basement

My dog Denver has been with me since I was a wee lad. We got him when he was just a lil’ puppy, a fluffy ol’ Siberian Husky with eyes that could make a lumberjack weep. And he grew up good – always by my side – only ever getting […]

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Review: My Son’s Circumcision is a Solid Two Stars

October 16, 2019 12:00 pm
Review: My Son’s Circumcision is a Solid Two Stars

Thank god for Yelp these days cause my son’s dick is looking ugly. And everyone needs to know how bad Rabbi Broccoli is at trimming flowers. There’s not much else to say. Just don’t trust any mohels who entice you to their services with the following joke: “I got clocks […]

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I Frantically Ran Up to An Allegory of a Decrepit, Limping, Blind, Albino Man to Demand Answers Pertaining to Universal Truth

May 18, 2019 4:44 pm
I Frantically Ran Up to An Allegory of a Decrepit, Limping, Blind, Albino Man to Demand Answers Pertaining to Universal Truth

There I was, late last night, lost and dripping with confusion over the fields of disillusionment. I was miserable, dear reader, because in the wandering of the great desert-snows that is this existence, I had yet to find confirmation of any great Truth, for the seeking of that one final […]

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Budweiser Introduces New “Just the Foam” Beer

12:43 pm
Budweiser Introduces New “Just the Foam” Beer

After years of traditional brew, Budweiser has announced that it will be switching up the game this darty season with a brand new product release: Budweiser “Just the Foam” beer-free beer. Starting next week, “Just the Foam” will be available in cans, 40s, and limited-edition glass steins shaped like aerated […]

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Dear Abby, My Roommate Built a Guillotine and I’m Worried He’s Going to Execute Me

May 7, 2019 7:00 pm
Dear Abby, My Roommate Built a Guillotine and I’m Worried He’s Going to Execute Me

Dear Abby, Abby, you sexy omniscient bitch, I’m worried. My roommate hasn’t changed out of his robe for a week because—according to him— “Robespierre doesn’t wear peasant clothes.” He’s built a guillotine in the middle of our one-room double, all eleven feet high of solid oak and shining steel, and […]

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Lame Rushee Refuses to Eat Bath Bomb, Doesn’t Get a Bid

April 9, 2019 7:00 pm
Lame Rushee Refuses to Eat Bath Bomb, Doesn’t Get a Bid

Spring has sprung, and that means two things: Greek rush, and the hedonistic ingestion of bathroom and/or laundry-room products. First there was the toilet plunger, then of course the Tide Pods, and now the youth are “getting sudsy” and “blasting off” on the hitherto last uneaten artifact in the twenty-first […]

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