Budweiser Introduces New “Just the Foam” Beer

May 18, 2019 12:43 pm
Budweiser Introduces New “Just the Foam” Beer

After years of traditional brew, Budweiser has announced that it will be switching up the game this darty season with a brand new product release: Budweiser “Just the Foam” beer-free beer. Starting next week, “Just the Foam” will be available in cans, 40s, and limited-edition glass steins shaped like aerated […]

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Dear Abby, My Roommate Built a Guillotine and I’m Worried He’s Going to Execute Me

May 7, 2019 7:00 pm
Dear Abby, My Roommate Built a Guillotine and I’m Worried He’s Going to Execute Me

Dear Abby, Abby, you sexy omniscient bitch, I’m worried. My roommate hasn’t changed out of his robe for a week because—according to him— “Robespierre doesn’t wear peasant clothes.” He’s built a guillotine in the middle of our one-room double, all eleven feet high of solid oak and shining steel, and […]

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Lame Rushee Refuses to Eat Bath Bomb, Doesn’t Get a Bid

April 9, 2019 7:00 pm
Lame Rushee Refuses to Eat Bath Bomb, Doesn’t Get a Bid

Spring has sprung, and that means two things: Greek rush, and the hedonistic ingestion of bathroom and/or laundry-room products. First there was the toilet plunger, then of course the Tide Pods, and now the youth are “getting sudsy” and “blasting off” on the hitherto last uneaten artifact in the twenty-first […]

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Report: Snorting Essential Oils Proven More Effective than Vaccinations, Or Maybe They Just Smell Nicer

7:00 pm
Report: Snorting Essential Oils Proven More Effective than Vaccinations, Or Maybe They Just Smell Nicer

With recent news of a measles exposure in Hoover Tower, news of effective naturopathic ways to build immunity could not have come at a better time for the anti-vaxxer community at danger. That’s right folks, the good old smelling scents are back and better than ever, providing you and your […]

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Alternative Spring Break: I’m Volunteering my Liver at a Bar in Cabo

March 20, 2019 8:50 am
Alternative Spring Break: I’m Volunteering my Liver at a Bar in Cabo
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Some of You Kids With Your Cellular Devices Didn’t Have to Send Nudes With an Etch-A-Sketch and It Shows

March 11, 2019 7:00 pm
Some of You Kids With Your Cellular Devices Didn’t Have to Send Nudes With an Etch-A-Sketch and It Shows

Walking around Stanford’s campus, I feel a slight disassociation with the other students. It’s not because I choose to converse solely in heroic couplets, or even because I only wear compostable clothes made from the fiber of flax seeds, but because of the knowledge that my peers grew up sending […]

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