Attention Earthlings: We Are Now Entering the Umami Phase of the Moon’s Orbit

May 31, 2019 12:00 pm
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Attention Earthlings: We Are Now Entering the Umami Phase of the Moon’s Orbit

Waxing sweet, waning sour, new bitter, full salty: we’ve lived with these basic four moon orbit-flavors for our entire lives, and we’re used to them. But far fewer people know of a fifth secret phase, one that only occurs once every two hundred years when the celestial bodies line up a certain way, when the angle between the sun and Galileo’s decomposing body is just so. That’s right: the umami phase is upon us.

Don’t be alarmed! While no one living can share their firsthand experience with the umami phase, we do have a number of rich, if alarming, historical records. Some of the first accounts come from Ancient Egyptian astronomers, who describe cheeses raining from the sky, a Nile frothing with gravy and broth, and the very stars crying out in anguish as they shit wheels of Manchego. Later Aztec and Chinese journals confirm that foods prepared during umami nights would remain fragrant and fresh for years, but when eaten would cause one to speak in slant-rhyme for the rest of their days.

Babies born under the umami moon will grow up to be dark, hairless, and powerful. As infants, they will demand soy sauce instead of breast milk and Swiss army knives instead of pacifiers. As teenagers, they will devour shitty young adult fiction with unmatched passion. As adults, their regionally-inspired cookbooks will meet moderate economic success. Genghis Khan was an umami baby, and so was Harriet Tubman.

The umami phase may seem intimidating, but fear not! Our best oracles predict that at least ten percent of humanity will survive this one—more than enough to restart civilization and continue to destroy our feeble bitch of a planet. If you think yourself in that lucky bunch, why not consider celebrating by buying one of our commemoratory umami foods from our merchandising website? We have soups, fish, Manchego wheels, and garlic. There is also a t-shirt.

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