Keebler Introduces New “Elf Jam” Cookie

March 14, 2018 1:58 pm
Keebler Introduces New “Elf Jam” Cookie

Touting the new snack as the future of the baked goods industry, the Keebler Company yesterday announced the release of the “Elf Jam” cookie—a soft, doughy treat filled with freshly processed Elf Jam. “We expect this cookie to redefine how Americans enjoy our products. The Elf Jam is always intimately […]

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Buttcoin Crashed and Now I’m All Out of Butts

February 5, 2018 9:00 am
Buttcoin Crashed and Now I’m All Out of Butts
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Wow! Nike’s Social Media Account Totally Meme’d the SHIT Out of Their Workplace Safety Violations

December 13, 2017 12:00 pm
Wow! Nike’s Social Media Account Totally Meme’d the SHIT Out of Their Workplace Safety Violations

Alright, everybody, go home: looks like Nike just won the internet. When Twitter users who followed the Workers Rights Consortium awoke early Thursday morning, they were met with what could’ve easily been a one-off diss. In an act of pettiness that would make even Tay-Tay blush, the labor safety watchdog […]

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For Sale: Mister Blister

October 23, 2017 12:00 pm
For Sale: Mister Blister

Are you a small-to-midsize ointment supplier looking to take your business in an exciting new direction? Do you sell lotions, online or door-to-door, but want to develop a more cohesive brand identity? Have you always dreamt of creating an icon as recognizable as Tony the Tiger or the Geico Gecko? […]

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At Quiznos, The Customer Is Always Right, Even If That Customer Is Conspiracy Theorist Alex Jones

March 16, 2017 9:00 am
At Quiznos, The Customer Is Always Right, Even If That Customer Is Conspiracy Theorist Alex Jones

Here at Quiznos Subs and Sandwiches, we have a little saying: “The customer is always right.” They want their bread toasted? Done. They want the onions grilled? A-ok. They want to mix ketchup and mustard together into a new, ungodly condiment? Who are we to tell them no! So when […]

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Russian Oligarch “Totally Fine” With Putin Seeing Other Businessmen

March 11, 2017 9:57 am
Russian Oligarch “Totally Fine” With Putin Seeing Other Businessmen

Russian oil tycoon Dmitri Spirakov, multi-billionaire and shadow operator of the Russian state, has announced that he “has absolutely no problem” with President Vladimir Putin seeing other corrupt magnates too. “No, no, it’s totally fine with me”, commented the massively wealthy petroleum baron. “Putin has been very clear that ours […]

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