An Open Letter to My Aunt Doris Who is Learning to Use the Internet

May 12, 2020 4:30 pm
An Open Letter to My Aunt Doris Who is Learning to Use the Internet

Dear Aunt Doris, I am proud of you. You have worked hard and you can now use the internet and also dance. I know that this is a strange time, but I love you. Aunt Doris, your husband is a farmer in Idaho and so are you. Thank goodness: you […]

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Report: Frosh Optimistically Cancels Birthday Party Because More Than 150 People Were Gonna Come For Sure

April 19, 2020 3:10 pm
Report: Frosh Optimistically Cancels Birthday Party Because More Than 150 People Were Gonna Come For Sure

Following numerous updates from Stanford administrators regarding COVID-19 in the past week, academic departments and campus residences alike rushed to meet university guidelines by cancelling planned events with more than 150 people. Freshman Bobby Griffins decided that alongside research meetings that would have had an international audience and all-campus parties […]

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Amazing – Schoolyard Kid Single-Handedly Eliminates Bullying by Choosing Smallest, Wimpiest Kid for His Recess Dodgeball Team

February 14, 2020 9:57 am
Amazing – Schoolyard Kid Single-Handedly Eliminates Bullying by Choosing Smallest, Wimpiest Kid for His Recess Dodgeball Team

The sun was out, the birds were chirping, and the 8.5-inch rubber dodgeballs were ready to fly. The captains were chosen per the tried-and-true unspoken understanding of who was most popular, and the masses lined up as seriously as if they were being drafted to go fight on the front […]

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Man Who Kidnapped Transients and Locked Them in Sadistic Puzzle-Room Frustrated That They’ve Yet to Come Together as a Team

January 24, 2020 10:15 am
Man Who Kidnapped Transients and Locked Them in Sadistic Puzzle-Room Frustrated That They’ve Yet to Come Together as a Team

Furrowing his brow and putting his head in his hands with an exasperated sigh, area sadist Daryll Corne was forced to admit to himself earlier this evening that the transients he’d kidnapped and forced to participate in a deadly puzzle-room in his basement had yet to come together as a […]

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Stanford Justifies Campus Expansion as “Reclaiming Promised Lands” Gifted to Dying Leland Stanford Jr. by God Himself

November 20, 2019 9:48 pm
Stanford Justifies Campus Expansion as “Reclaiming Promised Lands” Gifted to Dying Leland Stanford Jr. by God Himself

“This is what we’ve been training for, folks!” Harry Elam Jr. barked to the phalanxes of engineering students lined up before him. Stepping down as Vice Provost for Undergraduate Education had cleared up a good bit of time for Elam to become chief tactician for the glorious Stanford Empire, and […]

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Five Days After Young Boy Reported Missing Within “Comfy Chair,” Body Recovered

May 7, 2019 7:00 pm
Five Days After Young Boy Reported Missing Within “Comfy Chair,” Body Recovered

Five days after the shocking news that area preteen Cody Parks had gone missing within the so-called “Comfy Chair” at a local coffee shop, authorities have finally recovered the thirteen-year-old’s body from the depths of the cushioned recliner. Reports claim the rescue effort was delayed when their hydraulic “Jaws of […]

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