Bike Left on Campus Gets Struck by Lightning and Gains Sentience — But Slowly Goes Insane Because It is Chained Outside to a Sign-pole and Cannot Escape

June 22, 2020 3:09 pm
Bike Left on Campus Gets Struck by Lightning and Gains Sentience — But Slowly Goes Insane Because It is Chained Outside to a Sign-pole and Cannot Escape

He calls himself Nork. A rusting grey Schwinn, he sits day after day under a stop-sign outside of the Hoover institution. The bicycle, once a blissfully inanimate pedestrian hazard, was struck by lightning during a rare thunderstorm on Stanford’s campus in early May. “I felt a sort of naughty tingling […]

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Elitist Fœtus Refuses To Be Born Until Ivy Leagues Open Back Up

May 26, 2020 2:57 pm
Elitist Fœtus Refuses To Be Born Until Ivy Leagues Open Back Up

Boston, MA— In protest of recent Covid-19 closures, a 7-month-old fœtus is refusing to be born unless ivy league universities reopen in the fall semester. “Ehhhh…. yous guys oughta get yous degrees so yous can woik at Goldman Sachs.” He adds, “Baby needs his melk, needs his moolah.” He seems […]

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An Open Letter to My Aunt Doris Who is Learning to Use the Internet

May 12, 2020 4:30 pm
An Open Letter to My Aunt Doris Who is Learning to Use the Internet

Dear Aunt Doris, I am proud of you. You have worked hard and you can now use the internet and also dance. I know that this is a strange time, but I love you. Aunt Doris, your husband is a farmer in Idaho and so are you. Thank goodness: you […]

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Report: Frosh Optimistically Cancels Birthday Party Because More Than 150 People Were Gonna Come For Sure

April 19, 2020 3:10 pm
Report: Frosh Optimistically Cancels Birthday Party Because More Than 150 People Were Gonna Come For Sure

Following numerous updates from Stanford administrators regarding COVID-19 in the past week, academic departments and campus residences alike rushed to meet university guidelines by cancelling planned events with more than 150 people. Freshman Bobby Griffins decided that alongside research meetings that would have had an international audience and all-campus parties […]

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Amazing – Schoolyard Kid Single-Handedly Eliminates Bullying by Choosing Smallest, Wimpiest Kid for His Recess Dodgeball Team

February 14, 2020 9:57 am
Amazing – Schoolyard Kid Single-Handedly Eliminates Bullying by Choosing Smallest, Wimpiest Kid for His Recess Dodgeball Team

The sun was out, the birds were chirping, and the 8.5-inch rubber dodgeballs were ready to fly. The captains were chosen per the tried-and-true unspoken understanding of who was most popular, and the masses lined up as seriously as if they were being drafted to go fight on the front […]

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Man Who Kidnapped Transients and Locked Them in Sadistic Puzzle-Room Frustrated That They’ve Yet to Come Together as a Team

January 24, 2020 10:15 am
Man Who Kidnapped Transients and Locked Them in Sadistic Puzzle-Room Frustrated That They’ve Yet to Come Together as a Team

Furrowing his brow and putting his head in his hands with an exasperated sigh, area sadist Daryll Corne was forced to admit to himself earlier this evening that the transients he’d kidnapped and forced to participate in a deadly puzzle-room in his basement had yet to come together as a […]

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