Articles by: Ben Harley Davidson

Car Won’t Start, Loser? Try Fucking It!

June 22, 2020 3:08 pmComments Off on Car Won’t Start, Loser? Try Fucking It!
Car Won’t Start, Loser? Try Fucking It!

Fuck you! You fucking shit! That’s right, fuck you, you big baby! You whiny little baby, crying about how your car won’t start—you are pathetic. You are dumb and a nerd. But it’s okay, loser! Step one to fixing your car is to fuck it. Roll down your sad loser […]

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Provost Drell Confronts Racial Injustice with Sock Puppetry

3:03 pmComments Off on Provost Drell Confronts Racial Injustice with Sock Puppetry
Provost Drell Confronts Racial Injustice with Sock Puppetry

Responding to the protests that have emerged in the wake of George Floyd’s death, Provost Drell’s latest email to the Stanford community featured a number of Stanford administrators giving voice to various civil rights leaders in sock puppet form, such as Susie Brubaker Cole as Rosa Parks, Marc Tessier-Lavigne as […]

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Statement of Ambivalence from White ASSU Leadership

June 1, 2020 5:00 pmComments Off on Statement of Ambivalence from White ASSU Leadership
Statement of Ambivalence from White ASSU Leadership

Dear Stanford Community, As you know, many events impacting the Black community at Stanford and nationwide have recently taken place, from professors exercising their freedoms of speech to Zoom-bombings, and now the outbreak of protests originating in Minneapolis. We, the white leadership of the ASSU, are writing you today to […]

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Stanford Pilots Zoom Microtransactions

May 28, 2020 3:13 pmComments Off on Stanford Pilots Zoom Microtransactions
Stanford Pilots Zoom Microtransactions

Citing a vague need to “spice things up”, Stanford has released a version of Zoom exclusive to the university that allows students to gain additional features. To promote student involvement in this initiative, professors have also been given access to various tools designed to increase the “enthusiasm factor” of online […]

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“Bat-Boy Born to Leeds Couple,” FoHo Announces As It Completes Transformation into Trashy British Tabloid

May 26, 2020 2:59 pmComments Off on “Bat-Boy Born to Leeds Couple,” FoHo Announces As It Completes Transformation into Trashy British Tabloid
“Bat-Boy Born to Leeds Couple,” FoHo Announces As It Completes Transformation into Trashy British Tabloid

“Liar, Liar, Vice Provost on Fire: Susie Brubaker-Cole Caught Lying To Students! Bat-Boy Born to Leeds Couple! And Special Report: Roble Woman Reveals How Arrillaga Chicken Left Her Pregnant… With Welsh Septuplets!” With these scoops and others, the latest edition of The Fountain Hopper finally cemented in place the newsletter’s […]

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Stanford Campus Overtaken by Roving Bands of Finger-Snapping, Tap-Dancing A Capella Groups

2:55 pmComments Off on Stanford Campus Overtaken by Roving Bands of Finger-Snapping, Tap-Dancing A Capella Groups
Stanford Campus Overtaken by Roving Bands of Finger-Snapping, Tap-Dancing A Capella Groups

Some places get bombed-out ruins, some places get totalitarian dictatorship, some places get the bright city with a seedy cyberpunk underbelly, but Stanford’s post-apocalypse looks a little different: stalking through the main quad colonnades and knocking on dormitory doors are roving bands of finger-snapping, tap-dancing a Capella groups. That’s right, […]

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Op-Ed: The One Upside of Zoom University? Not Getting Punched Every Time I Tell Dr. Martin He Doesn’t Deserve Tenure

May 12, 2020 4:14 pmComments Off on Op-Ed: The One Upside of Zoom University? Not Getting Punched Every Time I Tell Dr. Martin He Doesn’t Deserve Tenure
Op-Ed: The One Upside of Zoom University? Not Getting Punched Every Time I Tell Dr. Martin He Doesn’t Deserve Tenure

Sure, it’s a little scary to see Dr. Martin on Zoom with his face shrouded and voice gravelly, talking about the death of all good things. Sure, it’s concerning to see him go on wild tangents about his third ex-wife or the time he lived as a sex worker in […]

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Op-Ed: My Internship at NASA Was Cancelled So I’m Going to Poach Elephant Ivory in The Orient, Instead

May 11, 2020 9:11 pmComments Off on Op-Ed: My Internship at NASA Was Cancelled So I’m Going to Poach Elephant Ivory in The Orient, Instead
Op-Ed: My Internship at NASA Was Cancelled So I’m Going to Poach Elephant Ivory in The Orient, Instead

I got a job at NASA for the summer. You wouldn’t have heard about it, it was a secret internship where you had to crack a code on their website and then you could find out how to apply. And when I showed up for the interview I gave them […]

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Turnips Are Doing Fine This Season, Says Farmer Bob

April 24, 2020 4:48 pmComments Off on Turnips Are Doing Fine This Season, Says Farmer Bob
Turnips Are Doing Fine This Season, Says Farmer Bob

Georgia farmer Bob Walker confirmed last Wednesday that his turnip crop is doing well this year. Walker, who owns a 300-acre plot ninety miles southeast of Atlanta, has experienced no significant disruptions or boons to his farm in the past few months. “Everything’s pretty much how it was same time […]

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Pay Cut Prompts Provost Drell to Move Into Shack, Begin Eating Nothing But ‘Deliciously Imperfect’ Vegetables

4:39 pmComments Off on Pay Cut Prompts Provost Drell to Move Into Shack, Begin Eating Nothing But ‘Deliciously Imperfect’ Vegetables
Pay Cut Prompts Provost Drell to Move Into Shack, Begin Eating Nothing But ‘Deliciously Imperfect’ Vegetables

Following the news that Persis Drell will be taking a self-imposed 20% pay cut while the University grapples with the coronavirus’ financial implications, Flipside reporters caught up with the Provost this weekend to see how she’s been handling the change. We found her amidst the swamplands on the edge of […]

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