Op-Ed: “Masticate” is a Stupid-Ass Word

Yeah, yeah, laugh it up, sickos. I know that “masticate”, another word…

Breaking: Interior Designers May Have Been Among Capitol Rioters in Hopes of Breaking In, Redecorating

According to inside sources, interior designer Michelle Lin and a rowdy collection…

Frosh Come to California to Find Moat, Series of Sadistic Obstacles Barring Entry to Campus

Stanford Administration shocked the community last week when President and Gamemaker Marc…

Op-Ed: Trump’s Not Special, I’ve Refused to Concede the Presidency Since 2009 When I Ran at My Local Elementary School

Pah! These simpletons up on Capitol Hill, running around like chickens with…

South Secedes from Union; Shots Fired over Fort Sumter

South Carolina shocked the nation when it declared last Friday that it…

Op-Ed: Attending My Local Brothel to Discuss the Latest Feudal News with the Three Wise Wenches

Bards in every tavern are whispering rumors that Lord Biden is set…

Outbreak of Cyberbullying Devastates Millions of Youths After Melania Trump Leaves White House

A specter is haunting the teens of America—the specter of cyberbullying. For…

Meet Bronc, the world’s first genetically-engineered frat bro

Ever since Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein, scientists have wondered, “Can we create life?…

Student Who Brags About Sleeping 3 Hours A Night Laments That His Talents Would Be Better Recognized If He Lived in The Paleolithic Era Defending His Cave from Predators All Night

“Prehistoric man was anywhere from seven to nine feet tall, you know,”…

Apple Partners with US Military to Produce Apple-Brand War Crimes

Child labor provider Apple Inc. recently announced that it is partnering with…