Articles by: Ben Harley Davidson

Evil Liberal Turkey Scientists Release Conspiracy Theory of ‘Anthropogenic Thanksgiving’ to Turkey UN

November 12, 2018 7:00 pmComments Off on Evil Liberal Turkey Scientists Release Conspiracy Theory of ‘Anthropogenic Thanksgiving’ to Turkey UN
NEW YORK, NY - SEPTEMBER 19:  President Donald Trump speaks to world leaders at the 72nd United Nations (UN) General Assembly at UN headquarters in New York on September 19, 2017 in New York City. This is Trump's first appearance at the General Assembly where he addressed threats from Iran and North Korea among other global concerns.  (Photo by Spencer Platt/Getty Images)

GENEVA, SWITZERLAND – Sensible, conservative turkeys worldwide likely gobbled at the recent avian United Nations report in which 142 turkey scientists made the ridiculous claim that turkeys worldwide are in danger of their apocalyptically-described conspiracy theory of “Thanksgiving.” In this report, the panel of leftist, anti-Business turkey scientists used fear […]

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Stanford Daily Editor-In-Chief Ousted by Dead Founder

7:00 pmComments Off on Stanford Daily Editor-In-Chief Ousted by Dead Founder
Stanford Daily Editor-In-Chief Ousted by Dead Founder

The Fountain Hopper reported earlier this week that the unnamed-but-legendary founder of The Stanford Daily rose from their grave to express profound disappointment with the journalistic performance of the Daily for the past century. The Daily was founded in 1892, and the enormous spiritual power that its deceased founder had […]

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Otero Treasurer Executed for Big Game Treason on Meyer Green

7:00 pmComments Off on Otero Treasurer Executed for Big Game Treason on Meyer Green
Otero Treasurer Executed for Big Game Treason on Meyer Green

The grass on Meyer Green was stained a dark and brilliant red last Wednesday when Viltautė Findlay, now-former Otero Treasurer, was executed, with a crowd of cheering students looking on. Treason at Stanford is defined as “levying War against it, or adhering to its Enemies, giving them Aid and Comfort”, and […]

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PHEs Awarded $9,000 in Monopoly Money© to Compensate for Pay Inequity

11:46 amComments Off on PHEs Awarded $9,000 in Monopoly Money© to Compensate for Pay Inequity
PHEs Awarded $9,000 in Monopoly Money© to Compensate for Pay Inequity

Amidst calls from around campus to equalize payment of campus Peer Health Educators (PHE) relative to their Resident Assistant (RA) competitors, Stanford Administration has finally responded with a solution satisfactory to all parties involved: PHEs will be compensated for the approximately $9,000 difference in pay—$3,075 per year compared to RAs’ […]

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Child Heir to Kazakhstani Throne Doesn’t Even Understand Net Unrealized Appreciation

November 11, 2018 12:00 pmComments Off on Child Heir to Kazakhstani Throne Doesn’t Even Understand Net Unrealized Appreciation
Child Heir to Kazakhstani Throne Doesn’t Even Understand Net Unrealized Appreciation

I’m taking Econ 106A, and you know what? I’m outraged that when the last ruler of Kazakhstan kicked the bucket, his eleven-year-old daughter inherited the throne without even knowing what net unrealized appreciation was. I mean, this is basic stuff! It’s not like I’m an expert (except I got an […]

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Ballot Filled Out with #2½ Pencil Forces Entire Electoral District to Retake SAT

November 5, 2018 7:00 pmComments Off on Ballot Filled Out with #2½ Pencil Forces Entire Electoral District to Retake SAT
Ballot Filled Out with #2½ Pencil Forces Entire Electoral District to Retake SAT

Tragedy struck on Election Day when longtime Atlanta resident and law-abiding citizen Dave Murphy filled out his voting ballot with a #2½ pencil instead of the mandatory #2, resulting in a cataclysmic chain of events that left three dead and many more injured. Murphy, who had driven that afternoon to […]

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Tibetan Mushroom Farmer Drops Out to Become Stanford Student

October 29, 2018 7:00 pmComments Off on Tibetan Mushroom Farmer Drops Out to Become Stanford Student
新华社照片,日喀则(西藏),2009年7月24日
    藏乡土豆丰收在望
    7月23日,西藏南木林县艾玛岗农民卓玛在土豆田里劳作。
    西藏日喀则地区南木林县艾玛岗乡是西藏最有名的土豆之乡,2008年该乡土豆种植面积达3.74万亩,占全县土豆种植面积的32%,土豆总产量1.92亿斤,实现收入6720万元,种植土豆已成为当地农民脱贫致富的重要途径。
    新华社记者 觉果 摄

To the confusion and protest of many, Rinchen Tangpa, Tibetan mushroom farmer, has made the decision to drop out of the ancestral mushroom farming business and enroll in Stanford University. “I just needed to get away from it all,” said Rinchen Tangpa. “I felt like I was getting too caught […]

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Op-Ed: I’m a Real Person Just Like You, I Just Eat Other People

October 28, 2018 11:59 amComments Off on Op-Ed: I’m a Real Person Just Like You, I Just Eat Other People
Op-Ed: I’m a Real Person Just Like You, I Just Eat Other People

I’m sick of being discriminated against. It’s no secret that it can be hard to be members of certain demographics on Stanford’s campus. I understand, I really do, that some people just don’t agree with certain opinions—and I fully believe in their right to say so. But damn it, I’ve […]

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Amazon Raises Minimum Wage for Workers to 15 Rupees Per Hour

October 22, 2018 5:00 pmComments Off on Amazon Raises Minimum Wage for Workers to 15 Rupees Per Hour
Amazon Raises Minimum Wage for Workers to 15 Rupees Per Hour

In a move that has been widely hailed as progressive and humanitarian, Amazon.com Inc. has announced that it will be raising the minimum wage of its employees to 15 rupees per hour—about a fifth of a US dollar—from the previous minimum of 10 rupees.  Jeff Bezos, Founder/Chairman/President/CEO/Evil Mastermind of Amazon, […]

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Chipmunk-Squirrel Tensions High Following Altercation in White Plaza

October 15, 2018 7:00 pmComments Off on Chipmunk-Squirrel Tensions High Following Altercation in White Plaza
Chipmunk-Squirrel Tensions High Following Altercation in White Plaza

Chipmunk Police arrived at White Plaza early Tuesday afternoon in response to a call from Stanford Chipmunk Republicans (SCR) President Alvin Puff-Cheeks, who alleged that a hostile squirrel assaulted him at an SCR tabling event the group was holding in support of Squikkity Squeak’s recent confirmed appointment to the Chipmunk […]

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