Articles by: Ben Harley Davidson

I Hate the Fucking Ski Trip—Let’s Go to Hell Instead

January 14, 2019 7:00 pmComments Off on I Hate the Fucking Ski Trip—Let’s Go to Hell Instead
I Hate the Fucking Ski Trip—Let’s Go to Hell Instead

The ski trip sucks, okay? Nobody cares about “mountains”, or “snow”, or “having fun”, or “contracting sepsis from the shitty beds or whatever I don’t really know what causes sepsis or even what sepsis is”. It’s a claustrophobic little fucknest of sin and depravity where you have to be in […]

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Refugee Crisis Erupts After Tumblr Bans Porn

7:00 pmComments Off on Refugee Crisis Erupts After Tumblr Bans Porn
FILE- In this Wednesday, July 29, 2015 photo, a Syrian refugee boy plays with a tire at Zaatari refugee camp, in Mafraq, Jordan. The United Arab Emirates on Wednesday, Sept. 9, 2015 defended its response to the Syrian refugee crisis in the face of criticism that the country and other oil-rich Gulf states should be doing more to address the issue. (AP Photo/Raad Adayleh, File)

Riots broke out yesterday evening on the borders of Twitter, DeviantArt, and other digital territories after Tumblr announced last month that it would be banning various kinds of pornographic content, ranging from female collarbones to BDSM tentacle extravaganzas. Crackdowns began on December 17, involving so-called “peacekeepers” knocking down the doors […]

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Vampires Invited Past Threshold of Kappa Sigma in Bid to Increase Diversity

December 10, 2018 7:00 pmComments Off on Vampires Invited Past Threshold of Kappa Sigma in Bid to Increase Diversity
Vampires Invited Past Threshold of Kappa Sigma in Bid to Increase Diversity

Amid widespread criticism of Stanford’s Greek scene as “a place for white people to do white things,” members of Kappa Sigma have taken on a last-ditch effort to introduce some diversity to the frat with an open invitation for any interested vampires to enter their house. “People always complain about […]

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Op-Ed: We Need Kardinal Normal Sex

December 3, 2018 7:00 pmComments Off on Op-Ed: We Need Kardinal Normal Sex
Op-Ed: We Need Kardinal Normal Sex

It’s hard to be a vanilla, cisgender, heterosexual woman or man at Stanford University in 2018, when it feels more and more like the queers and kinksters are taking over—not only discourse on gender and identity or aspects of media and culture, but even sweet, simple act of intercourse itself.  […]

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Heroic Door Alarm Thwarts Criminal Scum

November 27, 2018 7:00 pmComments Off on Heroic Door Alarm Thwarts Criminal Scum
Heroic Door Alarm Thwarts Criminal Scum

In a stunning turn of events last Friday, a potential intruder on Stanford’s campus was utterly foiled by the heroic appearance of a door alarm. The unidentified trespasser, who has been described as a person of indeterminate gender and race between the ages of zero and sixty-nine, was seen attempting […]

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Thieves Guild Loses Charter, Goes Underground

7:00 pmComments Off on Thieves Guild Loses Charter, Goes Underground
Thieves Guild Loses Charter, Goes Underground

Shocking news this Monday! The Stanford Thieves Guild, established in 1921, finally had its charter revoked by University administration after its leader Master Thief Klepto Bria allegedly attempted to steal President Marc Tessier-Lavigne’s family jewels. The Thieves Guild had been one of Stanford’s oldest official student organizations, and the revocation […]

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Evil Liberal Turkey Scientists Release Conspiracy Theory of ‘Anthropogenic Thanksgiving’ to Turkey UN

November 12, 2018 7:00 pmComments Off on Evil Liberal Turkey Scientists Release Conspiracy Theory of ‘Anthropogenic Thanksgiving’ to Turkey UN
NEW YORK, NY - SEPTEMBER 19:  President Donald Trump speaks to world leaders at the 72nd United Nations (UN) General Assembly at UN headquarters in New York on September 19, 2017 in New York City. This is Trump's first appearance at the General Assembly where he addressed threats from Iran and North Korea among other global concerns.  (Photo by Spencer Platt/Getty Images)

GENEVA, SWITZERLAND – Sensible, conservative turkeys worldwide likely gobbled at the recent avian United Nations report in which 142 turkey scientists made the ridiculous claim that turkeys worldwide are in danger of their apocalyptically-described conspiracy theory of “Thanksgiving.” In this report, the panel of leftist, anti-Business turkey scientists used fear […]

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Stanford Daily Editor-In-Chief Ousted by Dead Founder

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Stanford Daily Editor-In-Chief Ousted by Dead Founder

The Fountain Hopper reported earlier this week that the unnamed-but-legendary founder of The Stanford Daily rose from their grave to express profound disappointment with the journalistic performance of the Daily for the past century. The Daily was founded in 1892, and the enormous spiritual power that its deceased founder had […]

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Otero Treasurer Executed for Big Game Treason on Meyer Green

7:00 pmComments Off on Otero Treasurer Executed for Big Game Treason on Meyer Green
Otero Treasurer Executed for Big Game Treason on Meyer Green

The grass on Meyer Green was stained a dark and brilliant red last Wednesday when Viltautė Findlay, now-former Otero Treasurer, was executed, with a crowd of cheering students looking on. Treason at Stanford is defined as “levying War against it, or adhering to its Enemies, giving them Aid and Comfort”, and […]

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PHEs Awarded $9,000 in Monopoly Money© to Compensate for Pay Inequity

11:46 amComments Off on PHEs Awarded $9,000 in Monopoly Money© to Compensate for Pay Inequity
PHEs Awarded $9,000 in Monopoly Money© to Compensate for Pay Inequity

Amidst calls from around campus to equalize payment of campus Peer Health Educators (PHE) relative to their Resident Assistant (RA) competitors, Stanford Administration has finally responded with a solution satisfactory to all parties involved: PHEs will be compensated for the approximately $9,000 difference in pay—$3,075 per year compared to RAs’ […]

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