Articles by: Ben Harley Davidson

Elon Musk Restricted to 60 minutes of Internet a Day

October 10, 2018 12:00 pmComments Off on Elon Musk Restricted to 60 minutes of Internet a Day
Elon Musk Restricted to 60 minutes of Internet a Day

After Elon Musk jokingly tweeted last week that Tesla would be going private at $69 dollars — a fiasco that cost the company trillions in panic and reputation — board members have been scrambling for a way to prevent this and other recent disasters from becoming a pattern for the […]

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Erratic Presentation by ‘Onion’ Co-Founder Culminates With Public Shitting

October 8, 2018 9:00 amComments Off on Erratic Presentation by ‘Onion’ Co-Founder Culminates With Public Shitting
Erratic Presentation by ‘Onion’ Co-Founder Culminates With Public Shitting

In a rambling presentation — to use the term loosely — that took place deep in the stacks of Green Library Thursday evening, ‘The Onion’ co-founder Scott Dikkers advocated for authenticity, humor and the worship of an apocalyptic death cult known as the Noino before explosively defecating as students nearby […]

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Revamped CAPS Now Offering Back Pats, Cat Pictures

October 1, 2018 12:00 pmComments Off on Revamped CAPS Now Offering Back Pats, Cat Pictures
Revamped CAPS Now Offering Back Pats, Cat Pictures

Following a slew of allegations that Stanford discriminates against and refuses to accommodate students with mental health issues, the University has begun the new year with a clear plan for how it will prioritize campus support resources and the students who need them. At the top of the list? Counseling […]

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New FoHo Reveals That Stanford Systematically Discriminates Against Ugly Students

May 21, 2018 5:43 pmComments Off on New FoHo Reveals That Stanford Systematically Discriminates Against Ugly Students
View of the east entrance to the Main Quad at nighttest 2test 3

The latest issue of the FoHo, a campus e-publication, has revealed to campus a dark side of the Stanford bureaucracy — which was previously thought to be entirely dark sides anyways, like a dodecahedron dipped in squid ink. According to the article, Stanford has exhibited a consistent pattern of discriminatory, […]

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Stanford Bans the Humanities

12:00 pmComments Off on Stanford Bans the Humanities
Stanford Bans the Humanities

In an unprecedented move last weekend, representatives from Stanford University announced their intentions to ban the humanities in all its forms starting Fall Quarter of the 2018-2019 school year. Provost Persis Drell’s statement about the change: “Stanford has always been a campus which places inclusion and balance over all else. […]

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Musicians Left Jobless After Supply of Music Exhausted

12:00 pmComments Off on Musicians Left Jobless After Supply of Music Exhausted
Musicians Left Jobless After Supply of Music Exhausted

In a shocking yet inevitable turn of events, Earth finally ran out of music earlier this week. With the limited supply of tempos, rhythms and beats now entirely depleted, musicians everywhere suddenly find themselves out of work. As recently as Monday afternoon, composers and sonic artists from every continent were […]

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The COWARDS At The Review Refused To Publish My Smut

May 14, 2018 11:59 amComments Off on The COWARDS At The Review Refused To Publish My Smut
The COWARDS At The Review Refused To Publish My Smut

WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS, REVIEW? You can’t even recognize quality literature anymore? Let me take a step back, tell you what’s going on. I’m someone who likes to read good writing, who likes to get lost in a great story. I even dabble in some composition myself from time […]

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Admit Weekend Exclusive: How To Be A RoHo In 4 Easy Steps

April 24, 2018 7:44 pmComments Off on Admit Weekend Exclusive: How To Be A RoHo In 4 Easy Steps
Admit Weekend Exclusive: How To Be A RoHo In 4 Easy Steps

Hosting a prospective freshman is no easy task, as any former room host can tell you. Not only are there logistical problems to keep track of, but there’s also the matter of performing: you want to be honest with them about what Stanford is really like, but also want to […]

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Vatican Labels New Testament “Fanfiction”

April 23, 2018 12:00 pmComments Off on Vatican Labels New Testament “Fanfiction”
Vatican Labels New Testament “Fanfiction”

The Holy See — In a shocking revelation Sunday morning, Pope Francis has announced that the entire New Testament is now, canonically, a work of fanfiction. “After extensive research and consultation with experts,” he explained from the balcony of the Vatican, “we have definitively concluded that the second half of […]

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Campus struggles to put on air of carefree optimism in preparation for admit weekend

April 16, 2018 12:00 pmComments Off on Campus struggles to put on air of carefree optimism in preparation for admit weekend
Campus struggles to put on air of carefree optimism in preparation for admit weekend

It’s getting to be that time of year again: when thousands of admitted students and their family members descend upon campus. There’ll be talk of rival colleges, SAT scores, and dick/brain-measuring contests. Dining halls might even serve vegetables that aren’t steamed. But what all members of the Stanford community will […]

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