After his wife, Phyllis, was assassinated last month at a TSUSA (Turning Season USA) event, Punxsutawney Phil vowed to get justice against her attackers. Her last words (“Counting or not counting pack violence?”) inspired an anti-coyote movement and an upsurge in Instagram story activism.
The nation’s beloved groundhog, whom many refer to as “MAGA Phil”, has put on a performance inspired by Erika Kirk’s recent grief tour, proudly squeaking, “She is the strongest woman in America, and I take notes from her.”
Even though Phil wasn’t slated to come out until 9, his fans started lining up around 3 a.m. to hear a number of opening acts, including President Donald Trump himself, who filled the room with equal parts enthusiasm for Phil and a babble of incoherent Republican ramblings.
While many were expecting to see the overwhelming grief of a bereft groundhog, audiences were pleasantly surprised to see Phil in decent spirits, coordinating a stage entrance with tasteful use of pyrotechnics and rock music. Dressed head to toe in a clean white pantsuit, platinum blonde hair extensions, and a bold smoky eye look, Phil tearfully spoke to the thousands of his fans that showed up to support him in person, and even more watching the live show.
After spending twenty minutes denouncing all ethnic groups and pronouns, Phil turned to the crowd, carelessly, and proclaimed that he did, in fact, see his shadow.
