Zoom Sucks! Now It’s Not Fun to Masturbate in Class

June 23, 2020 11:36 pm
Zoom Sucks! Now It’s Not Fun to Masturbate in Class

Look, don’t get me wrong; my sock drawer has been emptied for weeks and every grocery store within a five-mile radius is out of blueberry jelly. But yanking the ol’ hog in class just isn’t the same these days. There’s no sense of thrill when everyone is thousands of miles […]

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Senior Still Hasn’t Come to Terms with Fact That They’ll Never Vomit Cajun Fries into an Old Union Toilet Again

11:35 pm
Senior Still Hasn’t Come to Terms with Fact That They’ll Never Vomit Cajun Fries into an Old Union Toilet Again

Sitting absentmindedly on the couch, watching their ninth consecutive episode of Netflix Original Series “Sex Apartment,” soon-to-be-graduate Mica Owens reportedly still had not come to terms with the fact that they never again will vomit cajun fries into an Old Union toilet at 3am. Although they have not consciously considered […]

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Report: Hundreds of Catalytic Converters Found in MTL’s Basement

11:33 pm
Report: Hundreds of Catalytic Converters Found in MTL’s Basement

In a press conference earlier this week, just days before the end of the school year, authorities announced the long-awaited conclusion of their ongoing investigation into the series of catalytic converter thefts that have left campus puzzled since summer 2019. The perp? Stanford President Marc Tessier-Lavigne himself. “It’s always the […]

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11:31 pm

Corporation PR Departments Puzzled by Possibility of Being Black and Queer at Same Time Public Relations departments across the nation have been befuddled by the synchronicity of Pride Month and the George Floyd protests as the standards for appearing “woke” seem to change each minute. The manager of Wendy’s Twitter […]

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Smirking Trustee announces that there’s nothing anyone can do — they already spent all Stanford’s money on buying one enormous monster truck that can only be fueled with the burnt remnants of rare Amazonian trees

June 22, 2020 3:11 pm
Smirking Trustee announces that there’s nothing anyone can do — they already spent all Stanford’s money on buying one enormous monster truck that can only be fueled with the burnt remnants of rare Amazonian trees
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Stanford Admins Exasperated at Having to Send Yet Another Fucking Email About Current Events

3:10 pm
Stanford Admins Exasperated at Having to Send Yet Another Fucking Email About Current Events
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