Senior Still Hasn’t Come to Terms with Fact That They’ll Never Vomit Cajun Fries into an Old Union Toilet Again

June 23, 2020 11:35 pm
Senior Still Hasn’t Come to Terms with Fact That They’ll Never Vomit Cajun Fries into an Old Union Toilet Again

Sitting absentmindedly on the couch, watching their ninth consecutive episode of Netflix Original Series “Sex Apartment,” soon-to-be-graduate Mica Owens reportedly still had not come to terms with the fact that they never again will vomit cajun fries into an Old Union toilet at 3am. Although they have not consciously considered […]

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Report: Hundreds of Catalytic Converters Found in MTL’s Basement

11:33 pm
Report: Hundreds of Catalytic Converters Found in MTL’s Basement

In a press conference earlier this week, just days before the end of the school year, authorities announced the long-awaited conclusion of their ongoing investigation into the series of catalytic converter thefts that have left campus puzzled since summer 2019. The perp? Stanford President Marc Tessier-Lavigne himself. “It’s always the […]

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11:31 pm

Corporation PR Departments Puzzled by Possibility of Being Black and Queer at Same Time Public Relations departments across the nation have been befuddled by the synchronicity of Pride Month and the George Floyd protests as the standards for appearing “woke” seem to change each minute. The manager of Wendy’s Twitter […]

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Smirking Trustee announces that there’s nothing anyone can do — they already spent all Stanford’s money on buying one enormous monster truck that can only be fueled with the burnt remnants of rare Amazonian trees

June 22, 2020 3:11 pm
Smirking Trustee announces that there’s nothing anyone can do — they already spent all Stanford’s money on buying one enormous monster truck that can only be fueled with the burnt remnants of rare Amazonian trees
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Stanford Admins Exasperated at Having to Send Yet Another Fucking Email About Current Events

3:10 pm
Stanford Admins Exasperated at Having to Send Yet Another Fucking Email About Current Events
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Bike Left on Campus Gets Struck by Lightning and Gains Sentience — But Slowly Goes Insane Because It is Chained Outside to a Sign-pole and Cannot Escape

3:09 pm
Bike Left on Campus Gets Struck by Lightning and Gains Sentience — But Slowly Goes Insane Because It is Chained Outside to a Sign-pole and Cannot Escape

He calls himself Nork. A rusting grey Schwinn, he sits day after day under a stop-sign outside of the Hoover institution. The bicycle, once a blissfully inanimate pedestrian hazard, was struck by lightning during a rare thunderstorm on Stanford’s campus in early May. “I felt a sort of naughty tingling […]

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