Articles by: Alex Durham

Op Ed: My Body is an Anarcho-Syndicalist Workers Collective, and I Am Merely Its Elected Delegate

May 18, 2019 4:46 pmComments Off on Op Ed: My Body is an Anarcho-Syndicalist Workers Collective, and I Am Merely Its Elected Delegate
Op Ed: My Body is an Anarcho-Syndicalist Workers Collective, and I Am Merely Its Elected Delegate

I was a king once. As a child, I could command my limbs to move how I wanted, my lungs to breath at my command, my lips and teeth and tongue to eat as much as my greedy little body could hold. But over time my power deteriorated — the […]

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Clarification: We Didn’t Really Mean Arson In Our Threat Against Daily

May 12, 2019 9:45 pmComments Off on Clarification: We Didn’t Really Mean Arson In Our Threat Against Daily
Clarification: We Didn’t Really Mean Arson In Our Threat Against Daily

Well, okay, maybe we did, but that wasn’t the Only action we were going to perpetrate against them for violating the ancient Code of Satire. So let us clarify, since there seems to have been a slight misunderstanding when we were communicating our threat. In retaliation against the Daily’s creation of a […]

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Flipside Review of the New Testament

May 7, 2019 7:00 pmComments Off on Flipside Review of the New Testament
Flipside Review of the New Testament

Upon first glance I could tell this was going to be a rousing read. The thick leather binding, the gold flaked page trim, and the mix of Helvetica and Shadows Into the Light fonts instantly gave me a good impression. When I started really digging into the story, though, I […]

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Op-Ed: In Only Ten Weeks, Duolingo Made Me Proficient In Slurs

April 30, 2019 12:00 pmComments Off on Op-Ed: In Only Ten Weeks, Duolingo Made Me Proficient In Slurs
Op-Ed: In Only Ten Weeks, Duolingo Made Me Proficient In Slurs

I was initially skeptical about practicing my language skills with Duolingo. People kept saying stuff like “Just give it a shot,” or “Come on, it’s free!,” or “All my older, whiter coworkers finally understand what I’m trying to say” — but I wasn’t so sure I believed the hype. Finally, […]

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Theresa May Only One Surprised by EU Release of Kraken into English Channel

April 22, 2019 11:55 amComments Off on Theresa May Only One Surprised by EU Release of Kraken into English Channel
Theresa May Only One Surprised by EU Release of Kraken into English Channel

In a totally foreseeable move this past Tuesday, the European Union (EU) enacted Military Operation 17C, nicknamed “The Tentacled Menace,” in response to the UK’s inability to come to terms on the withdrawal agreement. Publicly regarded as the EU’s strongest military weapon, the “Tentacled Menace” is none other than the […]

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Report: Snorting Essential Oils Proven More Effective than Vaccinations, Or Maybe They Just Smell Nicer

April 9, 2019 7:00 pmComments Off on Report: Snorting Essential Oils Proven More Effective than Vaccinations, Or Maybe They Just Smell Nicer
Report: Snorting Essential Oils Proven More Effective than Vaccinations, Or Maybe They Just Smell Nicer

With recent news of a measles exposure in Hoover Tower, news of effective naturopathic ways to build immunity could not have come at a better time for the anti-vaxxer community at danger. That’s right folks, the good old smelling scents are back and better than ever, providing you and your […]

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Some of You Kids With Your Cellular Devices Didn’t Have to Send Nudes With an Etch-A-Sketch and It Shows

March 11, 2019 7:00 pmComments Off on Some of You Kids With Your Cellular Devices Didn’t Have to Send Nudes With an Etch-A-Sketch and It Shows
Some of You Kids With Your Cellular Devices Didn’t Have to Send Nudes With an Etch-A-Sketch and It Shows

Walking around Stanford’s campus, I feel a slight disassociation with the other students. It’s not because I choose to converse solely in heroic couplets, or even because I only wear compostable clothes made from the fiber of flax seeds, but because of the knowledge that my peers grew up sending […]

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Op-Ed: I Time Traveled to the Year 3000 and the Jonas Brothers Were So Wrong About Everything

February 28, 2019 12:00 pmComments Off on Op-Ed: I Time Traveled to the Year 3000 and the Jonas Brothers Were So Wrong About Everything
Op-Ed: I Time Traveled to the Year 3000 and the Jonas Brothers Were So Wrong About Everything

These goddamn Jonas Brothers. There I was, putting the finishing touches on my time machine that I built from scraps I found in the trash cans surrounding the Engineering quad, ready to experience the Jonas Brothers song ‘Year 3000’ for real. I had my scuba suit on, accounting for their […]

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Bernie Sheds His Exoskeleton Again, Emerging 30 Years Younger and Ready to Rumble

February 25, 2019 7:00 pmComments Off on Bernie Sheds His Exoskeleton Again, Emerging 30 Years Younger and Ready to Rumble
Bernie Sheds His Exoskeleton Again, Emerging 30 Years Younger and Ready to Rumble

In a video announcing his presidential campaign, Bernie Sanders (D-VT) is seen staring grimly at the camera. As the video draws to a close, however, Bernie engages in his quadrennial ritual: he curls up on the ground, convulses a few times, and shucks off all of his skin and clothing, […]

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Queso Crisis: Exhausted Cheese Grating Waiter Still Waiting for a “When”

11:59 amComments Off on Queso Crisis: Exhausted Cheese Grating Waiter Still Waiting for a “When”
Queso Crisis: Exhausted Cheese Grating Waiter Still Waiting for a “When”

It all began with senior Zoe Baldoro, a delicious bowl of gnocchi cooked to perfection, and a tasteful Chianti on the side. As she began to gleefully dig into the pasta, the waiter rushed over with a block of perfectly wrapped parmesan and asked her whether she wanted any on […]

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