Articles by: Alex Durham

Student Only Now Getting Plague Mocked By Previously Poxed Classmates

December 3, 2018 7:00 pmComments Off on Student Only Now Getting Plague Mocked By Previously Poxed Classmates
Student Only Now Getting Plague Mocked By Previously Poxed Classmates

The end of fall quarter is coming, bringing along with it an unhealthy amount of final projects, exams and presentations. For most students, these alone are enough to drive them to mental breakdown, obsessive ingestion of Cinnamon Toast Crunch, and late nights freebasing powdered sugar in the kitchenette to stave […]

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Trump’s Closest Aide Revealed to be Racist Magic 8 Ball

November 27, 2018 7:00 pmComments Off on Trump’s Closest Aide Revealed to be Racist Magic 8 Ball
Trump’s Closest Aide Revealed to be Racist Magic 8 Ball

At long last, all has been revealed. Thanks to an anonymous tip from a member of the White House staff, President Donald Trump’s closest friend and advisor — who has evaded the public eye almost as well as Trump has evaded impeachment — has finally been revealed to be a […]

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PHE’s Stop Giving Out Glow in the Dark Condoms, Dudes Lose Their Dicks

November 5, 2018 7:00 pmComments Off on PHE’s Stop Giving Out Glow in the Dark Condoms, Dudes Lose Their Dicks
PHE’s Stop Giving Out Glow in the Dark Condoms, Dudes Lose Their Dicks

In protest of the grotesquely low salaries they are being paid, peer health educators (PHEs) across all dorms are now going on strike. As a part of this strike, they are refusing to dole out the usual supply of Neosporin, band aids, and life advice. What has proven the most […]

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Vaden Offering Free Lobotomies as Stanford Enters Flu Season

October 22, 2018 7:00 pmComments Off on Vaden Offering Free Lobotomies as Stanford Enters Flu Season
Vaden Offering Free Lobotomies as Stanford Enters Flu Season

It’s about that time of year again: flu season! The time when students, while shotgunning NyQuil like it’s Natty Light, desperately curse their past selves for having taken 15 shots every weekend and played beer pong with cups that all of Stern Hall drank from. And while the common cold […]

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Only Freshman Not Enrolled in CS Class Burned at the Stake

October 15, 2018 7:00 pmComments Off on Only Freshman Not Enrolled in CS Class Burned at the Stake
Only Freshman Not Enrolled in CS Class Burned at the Stake

As class shopping came to a finish this past week and students finalized their schedules for the quarter, 18-year-old Jedidiah Smith of the Hall of Crothers was reported to be not enrolled in a single CS class. In line with Stanford’s sacred code, a trial was conducted by President Marc […]

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