Articles by: Alex Durham

Freshmen Ashamed to Admit to Not Smoking Weed in Front of Father

January 15, 2020 1:03 pmComments Off on Freshmen Ashamed to Admit to Not Smoking Weed in Front of Father
A middle aged father and teenage son argue at home.

Freshman Bailey Gibson went into winter break expecting a time of relaxation. After a fall quarter full of new friends, hard classes, and one particularly embarrassing circle jerk debacle involving a Veggie Tales music video, he was looking forward to recharging the batteries for a couple of weeks.  That was […]

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Op-Ed: Girl in the Socks and Crocs, You Have Stolen My Heart

November 6, 2019 12:00 pmComments Off on Op-Ed: Girl in the Socks and Crocs, You Have Stolen My Heart
Op-Ed: Girl in the Socks and Crocs, You Have Stolen My Heart

I knew it from the moment you walked in. I’m not sure what prompted me to raise my head from my book at that moment, sitting in that lecture hall; I’ve never really believed in fate, but I’d make an exception for this. Looking back, I’m not sure what first […]

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Dear RA: My Roommate’s Mom Still Comes to Enforce His Curfew, and I Don’t Know What to Do

October 29, 2019 4:27 pmComments Off on Dear RA: My Roommate’s Mom Still Comes to Enforce His Curfew, and I Don’t Know What to Do
Dear RA: My Roommate’s Mom Still Comes to Enforce His Curfew, and I Don’t Know What to Do

I let it slide the first few weeks, but at this point I’m about ready to cement our doors and windows shut. This definitely wasn’t in the roommate contract.  Sometimes I’m not even sure how she is getting into the room. But sure as dogs have 42 teeth, every night at […]

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To Curb Pollution, Trump Administration Recommends Reusing Condoms

October 9, 2019 12:00 pmComments Off on To Curb Pollution, Trump Administration Recommends Reusing Condoms
To Curb Pollution, Trump Administration Recommends Reusing Condoms

In a ground-breaking study published Friday morning, the Environmental Protections Agency (EPA) stated that reusing your condoms will prove key to reducing overall plastic and rubber consumption in the coming decades. The report was released amid concerns that there is currently not enough being done to combat climate change in […]

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Op Ed: My Body is an Anarcho-Syndicalist Workers Collective, and I Am Merely Its Elected Delegate

May 18, 2019 4:46 pmComments Off on Op Ed: My Body is an Anarcho-Syndicalist Workers Collective, and I Am Merely Its Elected Delegate
Op Ed: My Body is an Anarcho-Syndicalist Workers Collective, and I Am Merely Its Elected Delegate

I was a king once. As a child, I could command my limbs to move how I wanted, my lungs to breath at my command, my lips and teeth and tongue to eat as much as my greedy little body could hold. But over time my power deteriorated — the […]

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Clarification: We Didn’t Really Mean Arson In Our Threat Against Daily

May 12, 2019 9:45 pmComments Off on Clarification: We Didn’t Really Mean Arson In Our Threat Against Daily
Clarification: We Didn’t Really Mean Arson In Our Threat Against Daily

Well, okay, maybe we did, but that wasn’t the Only action we were going to perpetrate against them for violating the ancient Code of Satire. So let us clarify, since there seems to have been a slight misunderstanding when we were communicating our threat. In retaliation against the Daily’s creation of a […]

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Flipside Review of the New Testament

May 7, 2019 7:00 pmComments Off on Flipside Review of the New Testament
Flipside Review of the New Testament

Upon first glance I could tell this was going to be a rousing read. The thick leather binding, the gold flaked page trim, and the mix of Helvetica and Shadows Into the Light fonts instantly gave me a good impression. When I started really digging into the story, though, I […]

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Op-Ed: In Only Ten Weeks, Duolingo Made Me Proficient In Slurs

April 30, 2019 12:00 pmComments Off on Op-Ed: In Only Ten Weeks, Duolingo Made Me Proficient In Slurs
Op-Ed: In Only Ten Weeks, Duolingo Made Me Proficient In Slurs

I was initially skeptical about practicing my language skills with Duolingo. People kept saying stuff like “Just give it a shot,” or “Come on, it’s free!,” or “All my older, whiter coworkers finally understand what I’m trying to say” — but I wasn’t so sure I believed the hype. Finally, […]

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Theresa May Only One Surprised by EU Release of Kraken into English Channel

April 22, 2019 11:55 amComments Off on Theresa May Only One Surprised by EU Release of Kraken into English Channel
Theresa May Only One Surprised by EU Release of Kraken into English Channel

In a totally foreseeable move this past Tuesday, the European Union (EU) enacted Military Operation 17C, nicknamed “The Tentacled Menace,” in response to the UK’s inability to come to terms on the withdrawal agreement. Publicly regarded as the EU’s strongest military weapon, the “Tentacled Menace” is none other than the […]

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Report: Snorting Essential Oils Proven More Effective than Vaccinations, Or Maybe They Just Smell Nicer

April 9, 2019 7:00 pmComments Off on Report: Snorting Essential Oils Proven More Effective than Vaccinations, Or Maybe They Just Smell Nicer
Report: Snorting Essential Oils Proven More Effective than Vaccinations, Or Maybe They Just Smell Nicer

With recent news of a measles exposure in Hoover Tower, news of effective naturopathic ways to build immunity could not have come at a better time for the anti-vaxxer community at danger. That’s right folks, the good old smelling scents are back and better than ever, providing you and your […]

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