Articles by: Alex Durham

Report: Snorting Essential Oils Proven More Effective than Vaccinations, Or Maybe They Just Smell Nicer

April 9, 2019 7:00 pmComments Off on Report: Snorting Essential Oils Proven More Effective than Vaccinations, Or Maybe They Just Smell Nicer
Report: Snorting Essential Oils Proven More Effective than Vaccinations, Or Maybe They Just Smell Nicer

With recent news of a measles exposure in Hoover Tower, news of effective naturopathic ways to build immunity could not have come at a better time for the anti-vaxxer community at danger. That’s right folks, the good old smelling scents are back and better than ever, providing you and your […]

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Some of You Kids With Your Cellular Devices Didn’t Have to Send Nudes With an Etch-A-Sketch and It Shows

March 11, 2019 7:00 pmComments Off on Some of You Kids With Your Cellular Devices Didn’t Have to Send Nudes With an Etch-A-Sketch and It Shows
Some of You Kids With Your Cellular Devices Didn’t Have to Send Nudes With an Etch-A-Sketch and It Shows

Walking around Stanford’s campus, I feel a slight disassociation with the other students. It’s not because I choose to converse solely in heroic couplets, or even because I only wear compostable clothes made from the fiber of flax seeds, but because of the knowledge that my peers grew up sending […]

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Op-Ed: I Time Traveled to the Year 3000 and the Jonas Brothers Were So Wrong About Everything

February 28, 2019 12:00 pmComments Off on Op-Ed: I Time Traveled to the Year 3000 and the Jonas Brothers Were So Wrong About Everything
Op-Ed: I Time Traveled to the Year 3000 and the Jonas Brothers Were So Wrong About Everything

These goddamn Jonas Brothers. There I was, putting the finishing touches on my time machine that I built from scraps I found in the trash cans surrounding the Engineering quad, ready to experience the Jonas Brothers song ‘Year 3000’ for real. I had my scuba suit on, accounting for their […]

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Bernie Sheds His Exoskeleton Again, Emerging 30 Years Younger and Ready to Rumble

February 25, 2019 7:00 pmComments Off on Bernie Sheds His Exoskeleton Again, Emerging 30 Years Younger and Ready to Rumble
Bernie Sheds His Exoskeleton Again, Emerging 30 Years Younger and Ready to Rumble

In a video announcing his presidential campaign, Bernie Sanders (D-VT) is seen staring grimly at the camera. As the video draws to a close, however, Bernie engages in his quadrennial ritual: he curls up on the ground, convulses a few times, and shucks off all of his skin and clothing, […]

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Queso Crisis: Exhausted Cheese Grating Waiter Still Waiting for a “When”

11:59 amComments Off on Queso Crisis: Exhausted Cheese Grating Waiter Still Waiting for a “When”
Queso Crisis: Exhausted Cheese Grating Waiter Still Waiting for a “When”

It all began with senior Zoe Baldoro, a delicious bowl of gnocchi cooked to perfection, and a tasteful Chianti on the side. As she began to gleefully dig into the pasta, the waiter rushed over with a block of perfectly wrapped parmesan and asked her whether she wanted any on […]

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Informal Policy Among Students to Execute Anyone Who Scores Above Mean on Midterms

February 19, 2019 7:00 pmComments Off on Informal Policy Among Students to Execute Anyone Who Scores Above Mean on Midterms
Informal Policy Among Students to Execute Anyone Who Scores Above Mean on Midterms

Following a particularly rough midterm season, and under the nose of school authorities, a group of students have banded together and agreed upon the somewhat controversial policy wherein any student who scores above the mean on a test will be stripped naked, tied to a table in White Plaza, and […]

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An Open Letter to the Degenerate Fuckstick who Stole our Box of Flipside Prints

February 4, 2019 7:00 pmComments Off on An Open Letter to the Degenerate Fuckstick who Stole our Box of Flipside Prints
An Open Letter to the Degenerate Fuckstick who Stole our Box of Flipside Prints

You rodent. You scum. You absolute filth. You just had to do it, didn’t you. Yes, you—the one wearing the rolled up canvas capris, the ‘Camp Stanford’ t-shirt, a baby blue Aeropostale jacket, glasses with no lenses, and a stickered Hydroflask in your hand. We know what you did, and you […]

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Student Only Now Getting Plague Mocked By Previously Poxed Classmates

December 3, 2018 7:00 pmComments Off on Student Only Now Getting Plague Mocked By Previously Poxed Classmates
Student Only Now Getting Plague Mocked By Previously Poxed Classmates

The end of fall quarter is coming, bringing along with it an unhealthy amount of final projects, exams and presentations. For most students, these alone are enough to drive them to mental breakdown, obsessive ingestion of Cinnamon Toast Crunch, and late nights freebasing powdered sugar in the kitchenette to stave […]

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Trump’s Closest Aide Revealed to be Racist Magic 8 Ball

November 27, 2018 7:00 pmComments Off on Trump’s Closest Aide Revealed to be Racist Magic 8 Ball
Trump’s Closest Aide Revealed to be Racist Magic 8 Ball

At long last, all has been revealed. Thanks to an anonymous tip from a member of the White House staff, President Donald Trump’s closest friend and advisor — who has evaded the public eye almost as well as Trump has evaded impeachment — has finally been revealed to be a […]

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PHE’s Stop Giving Out Glow in the Dark Condoms, Dudes Lose Their Dicks

November 5, 2018 7:00 pmComments Off on PHE’s Stop Giving Out Glow in the Dark Condoms, Dudes Lose Their Dicks
PHE’s Stop Giving Out Glow in the Dark Condoms, Dudes Lose Their Dicks

In protest of the grotesquely low salaries they are being paid, peer health educators (PHEs) across all dorms are now going on strike. As a part of this strike, they are refusing to dole out the usual supply of Neosporin, band aids, and life advice. What has proven the most […]

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