Articles by: Alex Durham

Op-Ed: After Seeing Each Democratic Candidate Eat a Cinnamon Roll at Last Week’s Debate, I Know that Pete’s the One

March 1, 2020 10:44 amComments Off on Op-Ed: After Seeing Each Democratic Candidate Eat a Cinnamon Roll at Last Week’s Debate, I Know that Pete’s the One
Op-Ed: After Seeing Each Democratic Candidate Eat a Cinnamon Roll at Last Week’s Debate, I Know that Pete’s the One

Maybe you were surprised last week when the host of last week’s Democratic debate passed around a cinnamon roll to each candidate and asked them to show how they would eat it. Well, I wasn’t. I knew that this was a moment of truth. That there’s something crucial revealed in […]

Read more ›

Amazing – Schoolyard Kid Single-Handedly Eliminates Bullying by Choosing Smallest, Wimpiest Kid for His Recess Dodgeball Team

February 14, 2020 9:57 amComments Off on Amazing – Schoolyard Kid Single-Handedly Eliminates Bullying by Choosing Smallest, Wimpiest Kid for His Recess Dodgeball Team
Amazing – Schoolyard Kid Single-Handedly Eliminates Bullying by Choosing Smallest, Wimpiest Kid for His Recess Dodgeball Team

The sun was out, the birds were chirping, and the 8.5-inch rubber dodgeballs were ready to fly. The captains were chosen per the tried-and-true unspoken understanding of who was most popular, and the masses lined up as seriously as if they were being drafted to go fight on the front […]

Read more ›

Awkward! I Was Sitting on the Toilet When This Old Man Leaned His Head Under the Stall and Offered to Tell Me the Fate of Mankind If I Answered His Riddles Three

February 5, 2020 2:05 pmComments Off on Awkward! I Was Sitting on the Toilet When This Old Man Leaned His Head Under the Stall and Offered to Tell Me the Fate of Mankind If I Answered His Riddles Three
Awkward! I Was Sitting on the Toilet When This Old Man Leaned His Head Under the Stall and Offered to Tell Me the Fate of Mankind If I Answered His Riddles Three

You can never get any peace and quiet these days, can you? Once upon a time there was such a thing as knocking before entering a room or asking before sharing jockstraps, but nowadays everything is just free rein. The bathroom is the only safe haven left…or so I thought. […]

Read more ›

John Bolton Catfished Into Congressional Testimony by Adam Schiff Pretending to be Busty Young Ukrainian

February 2, 2020 4:29 pmComments Off on John Bolton Catfished Into Congressional Testimony by Adam Schiff Pretending to be Busty Young Ukrainian
John Bolton Catfished Into Congressional Testimony by Adam Schiff Pretending to be Busty Young Ukrainian

As a result of growing uncertainty surrounding whether current Challenger rank I in League of Legends and former national security advisor John Bolton would testify in the ongoing impeachment trial of Donald Trump or not, it was a shock to all in the courtroom when Mr. Bolton charged into the […]

Read more ›

Freshmen Ashamed to Admit to Not Smoking Weed in Front of Father

January 15, 2020 1:03 pmComments Off on Freshmen Ashamed to Admit to Not Smoking Weed in Front of Father
A middle aged father and teenage son argue at home.

Freshman Bailey Gibson went into winter break expecting a time of relaxation. After a fall quarter full of new friends, hard classes, and one particularly embarrassing circle jerk debacle involving a Veggie Tales music video, he was looking forward to recharging the batteries for a couple of weeks.  That was […]

Read more ›

Op-Ed: Girl in the Socks and Crocs, You Have Stolen My Heart

November 6, 2019 12:00 pmComments Off on Op-Ed: Girl in the Socks and Crocs, You Have Stolen My Heart
Op-Ed: Girl in the Socks and Crocs, You Have Stolen My Heart

I knew it from the moment you walked in. I’m not sure what prompted me to raise my head from my book at that moment, sitting in that lecture hall; I’ve never really believed in fate, but I’d make an exception for this. Looking back, I’m not sure what first […]

Read more ›

Dear RA: My Roommate’s Mom Still Comes to Enforce His Curfew, and I Don’t Know What to Do

October 29, 2019 4:27 pmComments Off on Dear RA: My Roommate’s Mom Still Comes to Enforce His Curfew, and I Don’t Know What to Do
Dear RA: My Roommate’s Mom Still Comes to Enforce His Curfew, and I Don’t Know What to Do

I let it slide the first few weeks, but at this point I’m about ready to cement our doors and windows shut. This definitely wasn’t in the roommate contract.  Sometimes I’m not even sure how she is getting into the room. But sure as dogs have 42 teeth, every night at […]

Read more ›

To Curb Pollution, Trump Administration Recommends Reusing Condoms

October 9, 2019 12:00 pmComments Off on To Curb Pollution, Trump Administration Recommends Reusing Condoms
To Curb Pollution, Trump Administration Recommends Reusing Condoms

In a ground-breaking study published Friday morning, the Environmental Protections Agency (EPA) stated that reusing your condoms will prove key to reducing overall plastic and rubber consumption in the coming decades. The report was released amid concerns that there is currently not enough being done to combat climate change in […]

Read more ›

Op Ed: My Body is an Anarcho-Syndicalist Workers Collective, and I Am Merely Its Elected Delegate

May 18, 2019 4:46 pmComments Off on Op Ed: My Body is an Anarcho-Syndicalist Workers Collective, and I Am Merely Its Elected Delegate
Op Ed: My Body is an Anarcho-Syndicalist Workers Collective, and I Am Merely Its Elected Delegate

I was a king once. As a child, I could command my limbs to move how I wanted, my lungs to breath at my command, my lips and teeth and tongue to eat as much as my greedy little body could hold. But over time my power deteriorated — the […]

Read more ›

Clarification: We Didn’t Really Mean Arson In Our Threat Against Daily

May 12, 2019 9:45 pmComments Off on Clarification: We Didn’t Really Mean Arson In Our Threat Against Daily
Clarification: We Didn’t Really Mean Arson In Our Threat Against Daily

Well, okay, maybe we did, but that wasn’t the Only action we were going to perpetrate against them for violating the ancient Code of Satire. So let us clarify, since there seems to have been a slight misunderstanding when we were communicating our threat. In retaliation against the Daily’s creation of a […]

Read more ›