Disney entered the discussion around climate change this past Thursday with the release of a newsletter calling attention to the fact that our planet is currently heating up as fast as your pizza rolls do when you look away from the microwave for 5 seconds. Aside from this message, the newsletter, which was accompanied by a gruesome sticker of Olaf the snowman melting into a puddle, announced Disney’s unanimous decision to rename the charismatic Incredibles character “Frozone” to “Ozone” in light of the worsening environmental situation.
“After hours of deliberation in which we carefully weighed the political and PR repercussions that could arise from this coded endorsement of Big Oil, we came to the conclusion that nothing fucking matters because we’re Disney, bitch,” Disney spokesperson Ralph Romero said. “Frozone’s powers are simply obsolete. With our planet this hot, the only threat he poses to villains is, if anything, to cool them down while they ravage society. To make matters worse, he freezes water that’s perfectly drinkable in the midst of a water shortage. Talk about bad PR.”
To corroborate their decision, they released transcripts of interviews with children around the nation that showed the waning support for Frozone.
“Not a single child under the age of twelve felt that Frozone’s powers were remarkable,” Ralph said. “One even said, ‘So what, he’s the good guy because he skates around the city freezing buildings when he could launch a philanthropic effort with international support to physically combat rising carbon emissions and refreeze polar ice caps that are contributing to high sea levels? Yeah, and I’m a good guy because I only had to punch Sam once to get his lunchables.’”
The new superhero Ozone is reported to be the exact same person as Frozone, except he can turn oxygen into ozone to target villains. The committee made a note not to change the character for right-wing audiences because they “still need revenue and stuff.”