In a ground-breaking study published Friday morning, the Environmental Protections Agency (EPA) stated that reusing your condoms will prove key to reducing overall plastic and rubber consumption in the coming decades.
The report was released amid concerns that there is currently not enough being done to combat climate change in the United States. After taking massive budget cuts last year which left their resources all but exhausted and being called the “wimpiest department” by Mr. Trump, the EPA felt they had to take drastic measures to get his attention and make a change.
“There are, without a doubt, a plethora of medical issues with this conclusion, but at this point we’ve all got to take one for the team,” EPA analyst Cathleen Sanders said, with a haggard look on her face. “This is the first proposal we’ve presented to the White House that wasn’t immediately incinerated in front of our faces.”
In fact, since its release, the report has been lauded by many members of President Trump’s cabinet, including former EPA head Scott Pruitt, who called it “the single greatest environmental act… since The Lorax stopped that Ted guy from destroying the Truffula trees.” Other large environmental groups came out in full support of the conclusion, citing the need for “literally anything” that will show that the U.S. is in support of reducing plastic and rubber waste.
“Look, gentleman, all you need to do is brave it out and put a little more faith in each of your little cock socks; it’s that simple,” said Sierra Club Marketing Director Shawn Wiseman, who is prepared to launch the “Don’t Be Silly; Reuse Your Willy (Wrapper)!” campaign to promote the findings. “Think of it like breaking in a pair of shoes; the more you wear, the comfier it gets!”
At press time President Trump was giving a short statement endorsing the results of the report, praising the “hard work and dedication” of the people he worked so hard to put out of a job. In truly Trumpian fashion he directed most of the questions back to what he called his “due-diligence” on this matter, starting the conference by saying, “I’ll have you know, I’ve been doing this for over a decade now, so who’s the real environmentalist?”