As a resident of Stern Hall, I treat myself to the luxurious Stern Dining experience three to five times a day. I know all the tricks—how to stand in a line, how to hold water without spilling it, how to nod and smile at the staff so they know you’re […]
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Man Who Kidnapped Transients and Locked Them in Sadistic Puzzle-Room Frustrated That They’ve Yet to Come Together as a Team
Furrowing his brow and putting his head in his hands with an exasperated sigh, area sadist Daryll Corne was forced to admit to himself...
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New Horoscope App Tells You Whether Crush Likes You, As Well As Exact Date And Time Of Your Death
Riding the wave of recent horoscope hysteria, California-based app developer Code Zone released an app this morning called Astro-Logic...
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Dear SCR: If I Use Dark Magicks to Infuse an Unholy Flesh-Golem with a Soul, But Abort the Ritual Prematurely, Is That Murder?
Prithee listen, thou kindly Stanford College Republicans, and heed my request for your counsel. I have initiated magicks most foule...
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Freshmen Ashamed to Admit to Not Smoking Weed in Front of Father
Freshman Bailey Gibson went into winter break expecting a time of relaxation. After a fall quarter full of new friends, hard classes,...
Headlines
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University Sure to Take All the Wrong Lessons from Latest Tragedy
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Former SCR President Finally Leaves Hospital 16 Months After “The Push”
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FMOTQ Observer Follows Couple Back to Dorm Room
- Julian Castro Misses Add/Drop Deadline, Must Continue Running for President
- Yelp Reviews Give 3.4 Stars to Jesus’ Birthplace in Bethlehem
- “Anonymous Bear” Just Deleted 150,000 Votes From the U.S. Election Commission’s Shared Google Spreadsheet
Stanford
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University Sure to Take All the Wrong Lessons from Latest Tragedy
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Freshmen Ashamed to Admit to Not Smoking Weed in Front of Father
Freshman Bailey Gibson went into winter break expecting a time of relaxation. After a fall quarter...
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Sierra Camp Recruitment Ups its Game by Replacing all the Toilet Paper with Flyers
Upon returning to campus, many students have reported an increased marketing presence by Stanford’s...
- Amid Data Leak Scandal, Queer Chart CEO Testifies Before ASSU Congress
- Lecture Attendance to Be Taken by New Facial Recognition Software After Stanford Partners With Palantir
- Real News: Students Gather in Front of Admin Building to Boo for 8 to 13 Minutes
Politics
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Former SCR President Finally Leaves Hospital 16 Months After “The Push”
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PSA: Stanford Vibe Police on High Alert
We have received word from several reputable sources that the rumors are true. The Stanford Administration...
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Hubris Punished: Winnie the Pooh Castrated for Having Larger Scrotum Than Zeus
Alas, the wretched Winnie the Pooh has finally reaped that which he’d sewn, for his monstrous...
- Amid Human Rights Abuses and Declining Support for Local Regime, U.S. Backs Coup in Flint, Michigan
- Flipside News in Brief: Georgian Mistresses, AAU Surveys, and Night Rabbits
- Theresa May Only One Surprised by EU Release of Kraken into English Channel
Opinion
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Dear SCR: If I Use Dark Magicks to Infuse an Unholy Flesh-Golem with a Soul, But Abort the Ritual Prematurely, Is That Murder?
Prithee listen, thou kindly Stanford College Republicans, and heed my request for your counsel....
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Op-Ed: From Now On, if a Friend Shows Me a “Funny Video” and It’s Not Funny, I’m Going to Strangle Them with a Plastic Bag
You’ve had it happen to you, haven’t you? A friend, a comrade, someone with whom you’ve entrusted...
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Op-Ed: Girl in the Socks and Crocs, You Have Stolen My Heart
I knew it from the moment you walked in. I’m not sure what prompted me to raise my head from my...
- Op Ed: I Need to Ask My Professor a Question After Lecture But There’s Like Five or Six Different Mysterious Figures from His Past Seeking Advice About Alien Threats
- Op Ed: How Does It Feel To Take A Life, Charles?
- Op-Ed: My Brain Is A Greased-Up Dragon and I Have to Wrestle It to The Ground and Count to Ten Every Time I Want to Say Something Coherent
Technology
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Movie Magic: CGI Carrie Fisher to be Posthumously Inserted into “Epic / Hilarious Nut-Taps [4 hrs]” Youtube Compilation
In recent weeks, there has been some rumbling surrounding J.J. Abrams’ decision to feature a computer-generated...
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Andrew Yang Warns That AI Will Soon Automate All Your Time-Wasting Bullshit
During a recent campaign stop, presidential hopeful Andrew Yang returned to what has become a central...
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Op-Ed: In Only Ten Weeks, Duolingo Made Me Proficient In Slurs
I was initially skeptical about practicing my language skills with Duolingo. People kept saying...
- Wow! Turns Out Clippy was Involved with Operation Paperclip, the U.S. Program that Reincorporated Nazi Scientists Into American Society
- TED Talk Speaker Struggles to Open PowerPoint from Flash Drive
- Newly-Announced Strain of ‘Cuties’ Never Goes Bad, Even as Image on Packaging Rots Away
Recent Posts
4 days ago
Op-Ed: Apparently I’m a Russian Sleeper Agent Because Reading “Fried Chick’n” at Stern Dining Made Me Black Out and Torture the Guy Behind Me
5 days ago
University Sure to Take All the Wrong Lessons from Latest Tragedy
5 days ago
Former SCR President Finally Leaves Hospital 16 Months After “The Push”
5 days ago
Man Who Kidnapped Transients and Locked Them in Sadistic Puzzle-Room Frustrated That They’ve Yet to Come Together as a Team
5 days ago
New Horoscope App Tells You Whether Crush Likes You, As Well As Exact Date And Time Of Your Death