The LORD Divideth Not the Rind from the Flesh. So Sayeth the LORD, Eat the Watermelon in Whole.

As it is written in the Scripture, the LORD maketh all the…

Simulation Reveals That in World Without COVID-19, Your Mom Still Fucked the Mailman

After it became clear that many frosh wouldn’t see a speck of…
Corporation PR Departments Puzzled by Possibility of Being Black and Queer at…

Op-Ed: Apparently I’m a Russian Sleeper Agent Because Reading “Fried Chick’n” at Stern Dining Made Me Black Out and Torture the Guy Behind Me

As a resident of Stern Hall, I treat myself to the luxurious…

New Evidence Suggests, Contrary to Popular Conception, That Shakespeare Had Feathers and Beak

Following the discovery of a previously-unknown set of skeletal remains in Stratford-upon-Avon,…

Israel and Palestine Come Together to Chill, Play Volleyball in First-Ever “Camp Stanford Accords”

In what has been dubbed the “the chillest camp since David,” heads…

Jeff Bezos Donates $800 Million to Reconstruct Notre Dame on Condition He Can Use as Fuck Shack

Public support for the reconstruction of the Notre-Dame de Paris after its…

Theresa May Only One Surprised by EU Release of Kraken into English Channel

In a totally foreseeable move this past Tuesday, the European Union (EU)…

Captain Marvel Under Fire After Mistaking Pakistani Village for “An Alien Spaceship”

Facing increased scrutiny amid the release of her new movie, superhero and…