The recent move by conservative MP’s of the British commons to discontinue food vouchers for needy youths, thereby letting them go hungry, has been cause for celebration at the United Nations Human Rights Council (UNHRC). The widespread consumption of tasteless British stews has long been viewed by human rights activists as a violation against people’s most basic human rights. The Council Secretary, Bill Bonifaice, had the following to say about the recently passed motion:

“We extend our deepest gratitudes to Mr. [Boris] Johnson for spearheading the effort to leave the children without food, and in doing so, suppressing the proliferation of the British Cuisine. He has surgically targeted a massive swathe of the demographic most likely to consume British Food, I.E., the British people, and has liberated them from the grievous human rights violation of consuming the vile cuisine. This is an important first step to the worldwide erasure of British cuisine. We’ve been meaning to sanction the U.K. a number of times about this, but they’re a UNSC seat, so what can you do?”

The habitual consumption of British food has been likened to medieval torture by both food critics and medieval torture experts. Meals such as mince pies and mushy peas have recently been garnering widespread outrage, though up until now no actual action. The U.K.’s action to deny food to its citizens therefore could not have arrived at a more crucial time.

The motion to leave British children hungry has gained support within the scientific community as well: “have you ever noticed that everybody who has eaten British ever has died?” Says nutritionist Reeb Porble. “That set aside, it is household knowledge that British dishes are an aberrant discombobulation of objects that should never be labeled foodstuffs to begin with. I mean…Jellied Eels? Haggis? Whatever tan, bland and soupy foodstuff served to me at the pub without further explanation? It’s clinically proven that prolonged exposure to British food may cause one to become as repressed, unfriendly, and boring as the food itself.”

Sign Up for Our Newsletter

Get the Stanford Flipside sent to your inbox!

You May Also Like

Study Finds: If Your Hand is Bigger than Your Face You Need Surgery

In a packed auditorium on Saturday, Stanford Hospital Director Ken Toshi informed…

Study Confirms That Bitches, As Suspected, Ain’t Shit But Hoes and Tricks

When Dr. Dre proposed in his seminal theoretical work, “The Chronic”, the…