The infamous tech giant Amazon Inc., coming off the scandal of losing a Pentagon contract to their Seattle neighbor, has shifted their focus to bigger and better problems in the world of copyright infringement. As of this Thursday, it has purportedly directed its attention to its latest court filing against its namesake Brazilian rainforest for copyright infringement and emotional distress.

 “While we graciously acknowledge that many native peoples have taken up residence in the forest centuries before we existed in a physical sense, we also cannot fail to recognize that our identity as a corporation as a nation of technological warriors is at stake,” explains a public statement tweeted from Jeff Bezos’ account. “Recent web search trends from our friends over at Google have shown an alarming uptick in results pertaining to the forest rather than to us. We find this not only emotionally hurtful, but also directly violates our written contract with God for us to proliferate from sea to shining sea.”

 A spokesperson at Amazon reached out to us to express their complaint of emotional distress. “Disturbingly, co-occurring search results for ‘Amazon’ and ‘fire’ have risen dramatically as of late, and employees are increasingly concerned about their job security with the company.” She clarified that employees should not be alarmed as long as they continue to lay low and work diligently without expressing any concern for the dismal.

 As of press time, Amazon is reportedly in the process of filing one more lawsuit, this time against all humans on planet Earth who go by ‘Alexa.’

Sign Up for Our Newsletter

Get the Stanford Flipside sent to your inbox!

You May Also Like

Study Confirms That Bitches, As Suspected, Ain’t Shit But Hoes and Tricks

When Dr. Dre proposed in his seminal theoretical work, “The Chronic”, the…

Study Finds: If Your Hand is Bigger than Your Face You Need Surgery

In a packed auditorium on Saturday, Stanford Hospital Director Ken Toshi informed…

Connections to Steroid Ring Finally Explain Peyton Manning’s Giant Forehead

Following last week’s announcement of an upcoming Al-Jazeera documentary that alleges that…