Corporation PR Departments Puzzled by Possibility of Being Black and Queer at Same Time
Public Relations departments across the nation have been befuddled by the synchronicity of Pride Month and the George Floyd protests as the standards for appearing “woke” seem to change each minute. The manager of Wendy’s Twitter account was last seen curled up in the fetal position, madly muttering, “pride flag or blackout? Blackout or pride flag?” while financial analysts ran in panicked circles behind them, shrieking about the depletion of the quarterly Token Support Budget, already strained by the hundreds commercialized platitudes issued during the spread of COVID-19. These are, however, mild cases compared to those who suffered complete psychological breakdowns in trying to conceive of people who are Black and queer at the same time. Tortured cries echo through the hallways of the Asylum for Woke Brands— “Which target demographic? WHICH TARGET DEMOGRAPHIC?” they say, or “viral, viral, content influencer engagement makeitgoviralviralVIRAL.”
School of Engineering Joyfully Commissioned by Police to Design even BIGGER and BOUNCIER Rubber Bullets that Bounce Between Protesters’ Skulls
Last week, the Stanford Engineering Department cheerfully embraced the directives of the San Francisco Police Department, who challenged them to make the most BIGGEST, FUNNEST rubber bullets in lots of pretty glittery colors. Undergraduates, graduate students, and faculty alike came together without hesitation to support innovation in its purest form, as they post-it noted their way into creating a bullet so lively that it would jump from person to person, playfully gifting every protester lasting brain injuries. The SFPD assured Stanford that they would only use this neat new technology on the silly geese down at the protests who were simply being too naughty and needed a time out. When asked to comment, undergraduate Melville Wong affirmed the Flipside that he had no moral qualms because all he was doing was manufacturing big fun squish squish balls for play time, and what the police did with them was their business and quite frankly, out of his hands.
Anti-Police Protester Commits Suicide by Shooting Self 89 Times in Back of Skull
Following a tense standoff with the Miami Police Department’s infamous ‘Bicycle Boys,’ twenty-two-year-old protestor Marcus Malort allegedly committed suicide by firing a police-issued Glock pistol into his occipital cortex a total of eighty-nine times over a five-minute span. Florida Police Union spokesman Peppa Quarick released a statement saying that the Miami PD “did all they could to deescalate the situation, what with their extensive mental health training and all.” According to the autopsy report, Malort “must have been triple-jointed” in order to shoot his own cranium from that angle. The coroner, who ruled the death a suicide, also noted that “it’s possible the deceased had an extra arm growing from his back which he used to shoot himself, and which has since been retracted into his body.”