A study released earlier this week by members of the Kappa Alpha Fraternity suggests Special Dinner actually improves both quantity and quality of sleep for participating students, a landmark discovery that may revolutionize perspectives on this debaucherous Stanford tradition.

“I’ve always looked at Special Dinner as a liability, given how drunk I always get,” said ResEd Assistant Director Zac Sargeant as he mildly stroked his chin, “but it seems that special dinner encourages students to go to bed early and sleep deeply, an important aspect of a healthy lifestyle that many students fail to achieve in their busy lives at Stanford.”

In response to the study, ResEd now plans to encourage houses to have Special Dinner every night; staff on the row have yet to respond with anything more coherent than bursts of guffaws.

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