It started with that damned commercial before Jumanji: The Next Level. That’s the fetid soil from which all my sins have since sprouted. “This is your mission.” “No, this is an envelope!” Ohhh, that yellow M&M, the dolt of the group. His botryoidal body positively vibrating with desire for that […]

Thank god for Yelp these days cause my son’s dick is looking ugly. And everyone needs to know how bad Rabbi Broccoli is at trimming flowers. There’s not much else to say. Just don’t trust any mohels who entice you to their services with the following joke: “I got clocks […]

“You’re dressed like shit! Take this!” the man screams. He rips off a boy’s Henley shirt, sets it on fire, and then hands him a starched, white shirt. Stiff collar and all. Oh boy, here we go again. Three times a week this man comes in here — I don’t […]

“Okay, that’ll be fourteen dollars.” Ah, Tresidder Tuesday. Usually a rainy affair, one filled with the scents of salty desperation, missed dining hall hours, and throats filled with the same old cotton ball statements about how “I’d rather have a brick sunk to the bottom of the sea of my […]

Look, I get it, but when the cops accost you two seconds after throwing away your Aquafina — it’s always Aquafina! — in the compost instead of whichever one it’s actually supposed to go in, you realize something about man’s vision of heaven. And lemme tell you: it ain’t pretty. […]

We’ve accepted bike crashes as commonplace at Stanford. Especially with the rain, we seem to acknowledge them as an inevitability, so much so that we should consider an introsem to teach Freshman who dress like graduate students (yes you with the over-the-shoulder bag and shoes so business casual they could […]

Editors Note: The following story was leaked to The Flipside after The Daily refused to publish it in their coverage of the most recent Marriage Pact, citing it as “too fucked up and postmodern.” Luckily, The Flipside loves stuff that is fucked up and/or postmodern, and as such has chosen […]

Dear Tentacle Thief, Look, it’s a whole wide world out there. And when you’re being constricted to a moving package of sardines, it looks all the bleaker. I know how you feel, Tentacle Thief—I really do. I know Monterey is beautiful. I mean, my mom went there once and she […]

Noting that he always seems to lose his cowboy-style showdowns —  by a hair, he will tell you, by a hair — local man Fernando Frazco finally decided this week that he’d had enough. And so, with some duct tape, elbow grease and a sprinkling of self-love, Frazco bootstrapped up […]

While Stanford students have been trying their best to avoid sickness this week, Hoover Tower hasn’t been so lucky. Last Tuesday, it lilted to a half-limp; like a squeezed-out bottle of toothpaste, our proud, phallic monument fell. And that’s exactly what made Maurice Pillup, freshman, so furious. Pillup — the […]