Articles by: Boaz Kaffman

Op Ed: A Joseph A. Banks Employee Won’t Stop Crashing My Lecture, and When a Tie Clip Took My Right Eye I’d Had Enough

May 31, 2019 12:00 pmComments Off on Op Ed: A Joseph A. Banks Employee Won’t Stop Crashing My Lecture, and When a Tie Clip Took My Right Eye I’d Had Enough
Portrait of boy, emotion, angry, grey background

“You’re dressed like shit! Take this!” the man screams. He rips off a boy’s Henley shirt, sets it on fire, and then hands him a starched, white shirt. Stiff collar and all. Oh boy, here we go again. Three times a week this man comes in here — I don’t […]

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Op-Ed: Empirically, Frat Guys Paying at Tresidder with Number of Times Vomited is Not a Valid Form of Currency

May 21, 2019 5:00 pmComments Off on Op-Ed: Empirically, Frat Guys Paying at Tresidder with Number of Times Vomited is Not a Valid Form of Currency
Op-Ed: Empirically, Frat Guys Paying at Tresidder with Number of Times Vomited is Not a Valid Form of Currency

“Okay, that’ll be fourteen dollars.” Ah, Tresidder Tuesday. Usually a rainy affair, one filled with the scents of salty desperation, missed dining hall hours, and throats filled with the same old cotton ball statements about how “I’d rather have a brick sunk to the bottom of the sea of my […]

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Op-Ed: Today I Was Arrested at Tresidder For Throwing My Trash in the Wrong Bin

April 16, 2019 7:00 pmComments Off on Op-Ed: Today I Was Arrested at Tresidder For Throwing My Trash in the Wrong Bin
Op-Ed: Today I Was Arrested at Tresidder For Throwing My Trash in the Wrong Bin

Look, I get it, but when the cops accost you two seconds after throwing away your Aquafina — it’s always Aquafina! — in the compost instead of whichever one it’s actually supposed to go in, you realize something about man’s vision of heaven. And lemme tell you: it ain’t pretty. […]

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Cardinal Nights Revealed to be Front for Underground Fight Club

March 11, 2019 7:00 pmComments Off on Cardinal Nights Revealed to be Front for Underground Fight Club
Cardinal Nights Revealed to be Front for Underground Fight Club

We’ve accepted bike crashes as commonplace at Stanford. Especially with the rain, we seem to acknowledge them as an inevitability, so much so that we should consider an introsem to teach Freshman who dress like graduate students (yes you with the over-the-shoulder bag and shoes so business casual they could […]

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Leaked: Read the Marriage Pact Story The Daily REFUSES to Publish!

February 24, 2019 2:00 pmComments Off on Leaked: Read the Marriage Pact Story The Daily REFUSES to Publish!
Leaked: Read the Marriage Pact Story The Daily REFUSES to Publish!

Editors Note: The following story was leaked to The Flipside after The Daily refused to publish it in their coverage of the most recent Marriage Pact, citing it as “too fucked up and postmodern.” Luckily, The Flipside loves stuff that is fucked up and/or postmodern, and as such has chosen […]

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Dear Abby, My Dorm is Going to the Aquarium and I Really Want to Steal an Octopus but I’m Terrified of Coach Buses. What Do I Do? Sincerely, Tentacle Thief

February 11, 2019 7:00 pmComments Off on Dear Abby, My Dorm is Going to the Aquarium and I Really Want to Steal an Octopus but I’m Terrified of Coach Buses. What Do I Do? Sincerely, Tentacle Thief
Dear Abby, My Dorm is Going to the Aquarium and I Really Want to Steal an Octopus but I’m Terrified of Coach Buses. What Do I Do? Sincerely, Tentacle Thief

Dear Tentacle Thief, Look, it’s a whole wide world out there. And when you’re being constricted to a moving package of sardines, it looks all the bleaker. I know how you feel, Tentacle Thief—I really do. I know Monterey is beautiful. I mean, my mom went there once and she […]

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Area Man Invents Bayonet So He Can Bring Knife to Gun Fight

November 4, 2018 11:00 amComments Off on Area Man Invents Bayonet So He Can Bring Knife to Gun Fight
Area Man Invents Bayonet So He Can Bring Knife to Gun Fight

Noting that he always seems to lose his cowboy-style showdowns —  by a hair, he will tell you, by a hair — local man Fernando Frazco finally decided this week that he’d had enough. And so, with some duct tape, elbow grease and a sprinkling of self-love, Frazco bootstrapped up […]

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The Flu Makes Hoover Tower Flaccid: A Flipside True Crime Exposé

October 21, 2018 7:00 pmComments Off on The Flu Makes Hoover Tower Flaccid: A Flipside True Crime Exposé
The Flu Makes Hoover Tower Flaccid: A Flipside True Crime Exposé

While Stanford students have been trying their best to avoid sickness this week, Hoover Tower hasn’t been so lucky. Last Tuesday, it lilted to a half-limp; like a squeezed-out bottle of toothpaste, our proud, phallic monument fell. And that’s exactly what made Maurice Pillup, freshman, so furious. Pillup — the […]

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