“I Can’t Stop Anthropomorphizing M&Ms Before Eating Them” — An Open Letter / Apology / Plea to First Look Host Maria Menounos

It started with that damned commercial before Jumanji: The Next Level. That’s…

Review: My Son’s Circumcision is a Solid Two Stars

Thank god for Yelp these days cause my son’s dick is looking…

Op Ed: A Joseph A. Banks Employee Won’t Stop Crashing My Lecture, and When a Tie Clip Took My Right Eye I’d Had Enough

“You’re dressed like shit! Take this!” the man screams. He rips off…

Op-Ed: Empirically, Frat Guys Paying at Tresidder with Number of Times Vomited is Not a Valid Form of Currency

“Okay, that’ll be fourteen dollars.” Ah, Tresidder Tuesday. Usually a rainy affair,…

Op-Ed: Today I Was Arrested at Tresidder For Throwing My Trash in the Wrong Bin

Look, I get it, but when the cops accost you two seconds…

Cardinal Nights Revealed to be Front for Underground Fight Club

We’ve accepted bike crashes as commonplace at Stanford. Especially with the rain,…

Dear Abby, My Dorm is Going to the Aquarium and I Really Want to Steal an Octopus but I’m Terrified of Coach Buses. What Do I Do? Sincerely, Tentacle Thief

Dear Tentacle Thief, Look, it’s a whole wide world out there. And…

Area Man Invents Bayonet So He Can Bring Knife to Gun Fight

Noting that he always seems to lose his cowboy-style showdowns —  by…

The Flu Makes Hoover Tower Flaccid: A Flipside True Crime Exposé

While Stanford students have been trying their best to avoid sickness this…