After helping design Hellfire missiles for Lockheed Martin during his summer internship, self-described ‘alpha male’ Stephen Cruz makes a point of telling every woman within a five-mile-radius about how his body count is ‘too high to even keep track.’

“Yeah, after I heard about Lockheed sending thousands of Hellfire missiles to Israel, I was ecstatic. I mean, Lockheed doesn’t pay far above minimum wage, but with the awareness of my body count skyrocketing in my brain, and my dad’s credit cards in my hand, I had nothing to worry about,” Cruz explained while making dramatic bodybuilder poses. “I’ve had friends call me a sellout, but I think they’re just jealous. All their body counts are in the single digits.”

As a Lockheed Martin summer intern, Cruz is part of an exclusive group of Stanford students whose fathers are United States senators. His father, the U.S. senator from Texas, Ted Cruz, is purported to have a body count in the millions thanks to his lauded contributions to public health misinformation and increases in defense spending. Stephen refers to his father as an ‘inspiration’, with the hopes that one day, he too could fly to Cancun during a state-wide emergency.

We asked Cruz about his day-to-day life at the internship. He reported waking up “bright and early” at 10 AM, to report to the office at 11. When asked about the specific work he did on Hellfire, Cruz praised Karel. “Technically, I’ve been ready for this internship since I was born, but CS 106A assignment 1 really sealed the deal. Working on missile targetting was basically like telling Karel to go right, go left, or turn around,” Cruz said. When deployed, Cruz’s project quickly started to contribute to the body count he so frequently talks about. Data from the Bureau of Arbitrary Deaths (BAD) shows that the majority of this body count was, unfortunately, comprised of civilians the missiles were not targeted at.

“Thoughts and Prayers,” Ted Cruz tweeted upon hearing this news.

When asked specifically about how many women he’s had sex with, Cruz replied, “That’s not important. What’s really important is that my body count is higher than pretty much anyone else. You shoot cum shots. I shoot missiles. We are not the same.”

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