Noting that he always seems to lose his cowboy-style showdowns —  by a hair, he will tell you, by a hair — local man Fernando Frazco finally decided this week that he’d had enough. And so, with some duct tape, elbow grease and a sprinkling of self-love, Frazco bootstrapped up the bayonet.

“People always say you shouldn’t bring a knife to a gunfight,” Frazco told a Flipside reporter, illustrating his point with a swift jab of his new gun-mounted-knife. “I guess now they can stop saying that.”

Frazco is a member of Stanford Standoff Club, a group of students who schedule weekly duels behind a local CVS to train their bodies and minds for combat and/or self-pleasure. But after his 76th consecutive loss, Frazco finally decided something had to change.

“Every morning I was in the ER, trying to explain away my club-mandated Do Not Resuscitate tramp stamp,” he recalled. “My insurance had just gone up too high.”

“His body was gonna break,” confirmed Dr. Rex Rosenblatt, the pediatrician Frazco continues to see despite his age. “His bones were like china. The cutlery, not the country. Well, actually the country, too. If he kept losing showdowns, he wasn’t gonna last too much longer.”

Now, having secured lucrative contracts with various military forces throughout world history, Frazco is leveraging his fame to push for answers from CVS management. Like, why don’t they have 5-ply? Is that too much to ask? Why don’t they carry Kafka’s masterpiece, The Animorphs? Why is he in love with Cashier #7?

Regardless of the answers, though, the shift from perpetual loser to bayonet-wielding crusader seems to have given Frazco a new lease on life.

“We live in a society,” says Frazco, “but we die in one too. At least with a knife strapped to my gun, I won’t be going down without a fight.”

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