Smiling and basking in the golden sunlight which has become the norm in the last few weeks, Junior Derek Newman told reporters that on Sunday night he relished in a 11 hour night of deep, wonderful sleep. “I wasn’t that tired before,” said Newman, a likable and modestly attractive computer […]

A study released earlier this week by members of the Kappa Alpha Fraternity suggests Special Dinner actually improves both quantity and quality of sleep for participating students, a landmark discovery that may revolutionize perspectives on this debaucherous Stanford tradition. “I’ve always looked at Special Dinner as a liability, given how […]

Surgeon General Regina M. Bengamin announced today that the average American eats 5 hamsters over the course of his or her lifetime. “About 64% percent of Americans sleep with their mouths open, which leaves a very large hole for hamsters to fall into. Most of us just swallow these small […]

By Daniel Francinte STANFORD, CA–After five consecutive sleep-deprived nights and countless hours of research, the Medical School came to conclusive results and found that junior undergraduate student Alex Fontaine was tired.     They had four researchers watching him around the clock as he ate, did his homework, dozed off in […]