Let’s face it. We live in a patriarchal society. Forty-six presidents and they’ve all been men. And what else do they have in common? They all had wieners. Some of them were itty bitty (Willy Howard Tuft, this is the one time your name is relevant). Some, like LBJ’s, were jumbo.

But Joe, I know you’re packing. Like, come on. I saw that photo of you when you were younger. The one from your junior prom. You know what I’m talking about. I can tell right off the bat you were banging chicks left and right with that monster schlong of yours. But if that’s not enough proof, I had an AI algorithm analyze the cock shadow through your pants, and it calculated your wang was at least 8 inches.

Your election prospects might look rough, Joe, but your penis prospects are through the roof. What do American voters listen to? Policy? Hell no. Your ginormous anaconda? Hell yes. Maybe it’s a bit worse for wear with 81 years on you, but I’m sure it’s aged better than your brain. And I’m positive it’s bigger than that whiny bitch Trump’s two-inch pecker.

Joe, America needs to see your dick. And not just because I really want to see it. That would be selfish and pathetic. It’s because America really wants to see it. The only thing voters will listen to is whoever has the biggest, meatiest cock—and that’s you, baby. God endowed you with a gift, and you’re really gonna let God down like that by only letting that whore Jill see it?

America is counting on that dick of yours. Don’t fuck it up.

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