Jesus, take the eel! After news breaking of an apparently immaculately-conceived marine life organism, scientists are perplexed by the story of a round stingray in North Carolina that has fallen pregnant without any other male stingray in the tank. Across the world, religious leaders, scholars, and annoying second-grade boys who want to grow up to be marine biologists are excited for the birth of what has now been dubbed the Messianic Stingray Baby, a potential second coming of Christ.

For the past eight years, Charlotte has had no male stingray companions, so experts are puzzled about how this could have happened. She has, however, been staying in the same tank as two young male sharks, and she was covered in slutty little hickies that the marine life specialists refer to as “shark bites”, so could there be a shark-stingray hybrid soon? This is impossible; the species and mating habits are completely different, so this would make absolutely no sense. The only logical explanation for this is that her real name is Mary. Welcome back, virgin!

With the recent news break about the miracle of another virgin pregnancy (albeit through an unexpected species), thousands of people online are considering switching to a new religion that is more in line with this type of phenomenon and urging for the switch to attending only churches that are designed within an aquarium. Pope Francis recently put out a statement claiming he, too, would consider a switch to ichtheology upon the birth of the Holy Stingray.

When else has this happened in history? Only once! Charlotte, you are the chosen one, and I will follow your offspring to the ends of the earth. I am now a believer because I have witnessed this miracle, and if you are a doubter, just remember, they didn’t believe Jesus either.

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