Physicists Finally Discover Ultralight Beam, Conclude It Cool Song

October 17, 2016 12:00 pm
Physicists Finally Discover Ultralight Beam, Conclude It Cool Song

Stanford physicists have announced that they have finally discovered “Ultralight Beam”, a discovery that comes more than half a year after the release of Kanye West’s The Life of Pablo. When pressed for comment, physicists on campus responded that “it’s a fucking dope song” and that “[they] only wish [they] […]

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We Asked 5 Squirrels At Stanford “Why Do You Want To Go Into Tech” Because That Is What Our Magazine Is About

May 23, 2016 12:02 pm
We Asked 5 Squirrels At Stanford “Why Do You Want To Go Into Tech” Because That Is What Our Magazine Is About

    Samantha: I love cross-platform cloud-based computing. I want to make the world a better, more connected place through smart tech. Also, I am a squirrel, a type of rodent.   James: I forage for nuts all day, even though there are very few nut-bearing trees here. My 18 […]

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Tesla Unveils Impractically Tiny Car Prototype

May 2, 2016 12:00 pm
Tesla Unveils Impractically Tiny Car Prototype

Tesla Motors continued their technological hot streak last Thursday, unveiling a new car prototype to rave reviews and wild applause at a conference held at their headquarters in Fremont. The new Model M, which has dimensions of just 2 inches by 3 inches by 2 inches, was hailed as the […]

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Drought Ends Just in Time for Admit Weekend

April 25, 2016 12:00 pm
Drought Ends Just in Time for Admit Weekend

STANFORD, CA – After five years of alarmingly low levels of rain water that left California in a state of emergency, the drought was said to be no match for Stanford’s Admit Weekend. Witnesses mentioned that the bare bone reservoirs of Shasta, Oroville and Folsom were immediately filled back up […]

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Mysteries of the Deep Solved by Intrepid 16-Month Old

April 11, 2016 12:00 pm
Mysteries of the Deep Solved by Intrepid 16-Month Old

UNDER THE SEA – Heading up a 20-man expeditionary crew, local 16-month old and reported ‘smooshie-booshkins’ Timmy Kelly has given new hope to a scientific community on the verge of giving up on its under-sea research. Kelly and his crew piloted a refurbished submarine to the bottom of the Marianas […]

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Family Groans as Power-Crazed Tim Cook Refuses to Unlock the Car

February 29, 2016 12:00 pm
Family Groans as Power-Crazed Tim Cook Refuses to Unlock the Car

Building on the hubris gained in his refusal to unlock the San Bernadino shooter’s iPhone, Apple CEO Tim Cook earned groans and eye-rolls from his wife and two children on Tuesday after adamantly refusing to open the family car. “Friends,” Cook explained, his partner Eric Jirgens folding his arms and […]

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Facebook adds ‘like like’ option

February 24, 2016 12:38 pm
Facebook adds ‘like like’ option

In a recent press release, Facebook has announced that there will now be more options than just “like” to react to your friend’s posts on the popular social networking site.  “We all know what it means when you like someone’s picture, but do you like like it?  Like, for real?” said Mark Zuckerburg […]

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New Charity Distributes Facebook Likes to Starving Children Around the World

November 2, 2015 12:00 pm
New Charity Distributes Facebook Likes to Starving Children Around the World

In recent months, a new online charitable organization has exploded in popularity.  Their mission: to distribute as many Facebook likes as possible to desperate and starving children all over the world. The Silicon Valley-based non-profit, Likes4Hunger, has already motivated thousands of young people across the country to break free of […]

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LaIR Relocation Indicative of Greater CS Department Plan

12:00 pm
LaIR Relocation Indicative of Greater CS Department Plan

Not content with simply housing the highest number of undergraduates and, starting this year, the highest number of female undergraduates, Stanford’s CS department has further developed its plans of territorial expansion by relocating the Lair to the entire second floor of Old Union. “What many people don’t know,” said CS […]

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Student Poet Finds True Passion In Front-End Programming

October 26, 2015 12:00 pm
Man Using Laptop --- Image by © Royalty-Free/Corbis

From a young age, Stanford freshman Josh Douglas had always been on a fast track to spend his life as a poet. His parents encouraged him to capture his inner music in verse and Douglas would spend his summers writing in forest clearings around North America, wearing only the skins […]

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