MIT Physicist-Restauranteurs Create Asian-Fusion Reactor

December 5, 2016 11:59 am
MIT Physicist-Restauranteurs Create Asian-Fusion Reactor
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Study: Everyone Else Is Doing Way Better Than You In Every Way

November 28, 2016 12:00 pm
Study: Everyone Else Is Doing Way Better Than You In Every Way

A research team at the Stanford psychology department recently completed a two year study on you and every single other person. After a comprehensive review of the results, the research team concluded that everyone else has it better than you in every single way, most likely because you suck so […]

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Fake News Writers Not Sure Whether To Trust News That They Are Out Of A Job

12:00 pm
Fake News Writers Not Sure Whether To Trust News That They Are Out Of A Job

INTERNET — This past election cycle, a particularly contentious topic has been fake news sites, websites that intentionally provide misinformation to gullible readers on social media. Up until now, writing for a fake news site was quite easy, but reports of an increasingly cautious public has led bogus news writers […]

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Tesla Self-Driving Cars Accurately Programmed To Value Tesla-Employee Lives Most Highly

November 7, 2016 12:01 pm
Tesla Self-Driving Cars Accurately Programmed To Value Tesla-Employee Lives Most Highly

Next month, Tesla will begin rolling out their new line of self-driving cars with advanced ethical reasoning algorithms, a never before seen technology that informs the cars’ ability to make decisions and save lives in the event of unavoidable accidents. Built to solve ethical dilemmas, these algorithms perform millions of […]

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Facebook Friend From High School Tries To Uncover Truth About Crooked Hillary Before Media Silences Him

November 1, 2016 12:00 pm
Facebook Friend From High School Tries To Uncover Truth About Crooked Hillary Before Media Silences Him

YOUR FACEBOOK TIMELINE — After the last debate between presidential hopefuls Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton, your Facebook friend from high school, Tom Bartlett, was driven to find out the truth about “Crooked Hillary.”  Of course, your old acquaintance who used to butt-chug at parties couldn’t just count on the […]

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Physicists Finally Discover Ultralight Beam, Conclude It Cool Song

October 17, 2016 12:00 pm
Physicists Finally Discover Ultralight Beam, Conclude It Cool Song

Stanford physicists have announced that they have finally discovered “Ultralight Beam”, a discovery that comes more than half a year after the release of Kanye West’s The Life of Pablo. When pressed for comment, physicists on campus responded that “it’s a fucking dope song” and that “[they] only wish [they] […]

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We Asked 5 Squirrels At Stanford “Why Do You Want To Go Into Tech” Because That Is What Our Magazine Is About

May 23, 2016 12:02 pm
We Asked 5 Squirrels At Stanford “Why Do You Want To Go Into Tech” Because That Is What Our Magazine Is About

    Samantha: I love cross-platform cloud-based computing. I want to make the world a better, more connected place through smart tech. Also, I am a squirrel, a type of rodent.   James: I forage for nuts all day, even though there are very few nut-bearing trees here. My 18 […]

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Tesla Unveils Impractically Tiny Car Prototype

May 2, 2016 12:00 pm
Tesla Unveils Impractically Tiny Car Prototype

Tesla Motors continued their technological hot streak last Thursday, unveiling a new car prototype to rave reviews and wild applause at a conference held at their headquarters in Fremont. The new Model M, which has dimensions of just 2 inches by 3 inches by 2 inches, was hailed as the […]

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Drought Ends Just in Time for Admit Weekend

April 25, 2016 12:00 pm
Drought Ends Just in Time for Admit Weekend

STANFORD, CA – After five years of alarmingly low levels of rain water that left California in a state of emergency, the drought was said to be no match for Stanford’s Admit Weekend. Witnesses mentioned that the bare bone reservoirs of Shasta, Oroville and Folsom were immediately filled back up […]

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Mysteries of the Deep Solved by Intrepid 16-Month Old

April 11, 2016 12:00 pm
Mysteries of the Deep Solved by Intrepid 16-Month Old

UNDER THE SEA – Heading up a 20-man expeditionary crew, local 16-month old and reported ‘smooshie-booshkins’ Timmy Kelly has given new hope to a scientific community on the verge of giving up on its under-sea research. Kelly and his crew piloted a refurbished submarine to the bottom of the Marianas […]

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