In a move that has been widely hailed as progressive and humanitarian, Inc. has announced that it will be raising the minimum wage of its employees to 15 rupees per hour—about a fifth of a US dollar—from the previous minimum of 10 rupees. 

Jeff Bezos, Founder/Chairman/President/CEO/Evil Mastermind of Amazon, declared that “the health and welfare of the Amazon family is our highest priority. We’ve always prided ourselves on our humane conditions, and this is just one more step in making sure that everyone feels secure. We value and respect each and every one of our indentured servants.” 

After the press release announcing this change was broadcasted, workers erupted into cheers and grateful tears. One young woman, Audrey Malona, described with excitement how she “might even be able to afford toilet paper this month!” Other employees were seen crunching the numbers on their work schedule, discussing how they might be able to reduce their weekly hours to 70 from the previous norm of 168 hours. 

While this will bring the annual wages of many workers to approximately $800, an astounding number, it’s unclear how other companies such as Walmart, Harley-Davidson Motor Company, or that one coffee shop down the street that had workers chained to the floor plan to respond. Some analysts claim that minimum wage must rise across the board in order for companies to remain competitive, though most agree that wages might actually be lowered in order to further crush the spirit of any plebeians who dare hope to rise above their station. After all—as economics expert Chris Rogers points out—America is founded on the ideal of crushing the weak and pathetic.

Sign Up for Our Newsletter

Get the Stanford Flipside sent to your inbox!

You May Also Like

Study Confirms That Bitches, As Suspected, Ain’t Shit But Hoes and Tricks

When Dr. Dre proposed in his seminal theoretical work, “The Chronic”, the…

Study Finds: If Your Hand is Bigger than Your Face You Need Surgery

In a packed auditorium on Saturday, Stanford Hospital Director Ken Toshi informed…

Connections to Steroid Ring Finally Explain Peyton Manning’s Giant Forehead

Following last week’s announcement of an upcoming Al-Jazeera documentary that alleges that…