Op-Ed: I’m a Social Media Influenzer – And It’s Fucking Sick

October 26, 2018 1:16 pm
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Op-Ed: I’m a Social Media Influenzer – And It’s Fucking Sick

You read that right – social media influenzer. My job is to spread ~sickness~ wherever I go.

What exactly does my job entail? Well, I work for NightQuil Industries, a company that sells cold and flu medicine. They were really struggling with their social media presence, so they decided to try an alternative approach – spreading influenza itself!

You’re probably wondering how I do this, and might even think it’s a bit unethical. Well, you’re wrong. All I gotta do is ask to look at people’s phones when they’re on social media, quickly inject some influenza virus onto my hand, and then rub it all over the back of their phone when they hand it to me. It’s great too, because it’s so subtle that people don’t even realize I’m doing it! A few days later, they’re bed-ridden and vomiting, and what do they need? NightQuil!

For every person I infect, I make a flat $2. However, I also have a discount code with NightQuil (use code ASSHOLE for 5% off your next NightQuil purchase!), so I make an additional $0.50 if people use my code. I’ve already made a total of $20, and soon you’ll catch me on Youtube showing off my new Lambo.

The best part of the job, though, is finding opportunities to give back. I found out about the position from my former roommate, who infected me last winter, and my life has never been better! I feel that it’s my duty to pass the torch along, so I’ve created a social media marketing influenzer internship open to any college students interested!

If you’re interested in applying, simply message me on one of the 11 accounts I maintain across all possible social media platforms. Don’t be dismayed if I take awhile to respond though, as I may just be busy improving society by spreading 100% prime malaise! (Aranjo)

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