Newly-Announced Strain of ‘Cuties’ Never Goes Bad, Even as Image on Packaging Rots Away

January 22, 2019 7:00 pm
Newly-Announced Strain of ‘Cuties’ Never Goes Bad, Even as Image on Packaging Rots Away

Grocery stores will soon have a little something extra to offer hungry shoppers, following an announcement by the ‘Cuties’ brand of a soon-to-be-released type of clementine that will reportedly never go bad. Instead, the multinational fruit conglomerate promises, the grinning cartoon mascot that adorns every package will slowly rot away, dissolving into a sickly black goop while the fruit itself remains plump and tasty.

“Our team has been working for years to solve the whole ‘death’ issue,” said Octavia Vick, head of ‘Cuties’ R&D. “Now, through techniques previously unknown to both man and God, we’ve found a way to keep our tasty clementines fresh for, theoretically, ever. The only caveat, of course, is that the adorable clementine character on all our boxes will undergo the aging process instead, succumbing to mold, insects, and the inevitable ravages of time before consumers’ very eyes.”

Nutrition details on the back of ‘Cuties’ packaging notes that the fruit contains no preservatives or emulsifiers of any sort, and should be eaten within “the lifetime of many stars” after initial opening. Once finished, used packaging should be splashed with ram’s blood and then burnt atop a mound of desecrated religious texts beneath the glow of a harvest moon — or at least composted.

“My family absolutely loved the new strain,” said Ricardo Fjung, a stay-at-home dad who beta-tested the product before it was officially announced. “The kids can leave them out for as long as they want, and we don’t have to worry about fruit flies or gross soft spots that look like grandpa’s skin. Plus, watching the cartoon clementine on the package scream in silent agony as its body dissolved into putrid, viscous sludge was a great opportunity for all of us to discuss the cruel burden of mortality.”

The new ‘Cuties’ are just the latest in a string of innovative fruit products introduced over the last few years, including Del Monte’s wildly popular “Naughty Little Grapefruit” hybrid and Dole’s controversial “Self-Aware Banana That Begs For Mercy.”