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AN EXCLUSIVE LOOK INTO THE ABUSIVE PRACTICES OF THE LATE-REPUBLICAN ROMAN DAIRY INDUSTRY: CITIZENS, LEARN WHAT THE SENATE IS PUTTING INTO YOUR CHEESE

Be aware, citizen! Though all good citizens know that to swill milk…

POEMS

In Honor of Louise Glück   Roses… are vaguely orange  Violets – somewhat…

Trump Sends Out Second Stimulus Package

Following an executive order, President Donald Junipero Trump has sent out “a…

The First Presidential Debate Was Too Hot for Television

Tuesday night’s debate was rife with more sexual tension than Ghislaine Maxwell…

Op-Ed: Yikes! I Accidentally Joined My Professor’s Divorce Zoom Call and Now I Have to Act Like His Emotionally Traumatized, Estranged Daughter So He Doesn’t Lose His House

Uh oh! When my linguistics professor sent out an email with only…

NFL Players Nonchalant About Daily Risk of Crippling Head Trauma Weirdly Terrified By COVID

As American sports begins the slow process to reopening and getting back…

The LORD Divideth Not the Rind from the Flesh. So Sayeth the LORD, Eat the Watermelon in Whole.

As it is written in the Scripture, the LORD maketh all the…

Op-Ed: To Ensure My Vote Counts I Nailed A Copy of My Ballot to Every Door in My State Capitol

You heard me right. With all the damn kerfuffle around ballots and…

Government Returns Stolen Mailboxes With Teeth, Sentience

Following the mysterious removal of post office boxes across the nation, the…

I Was Going to Let My Daughter Draw on Our Walls So She Could Express Herself, But Her Composition Was Shit and She Clearly Doesn’t Grasp Proper Symmetry So I Bleached the Walls

My daughter somehow found the crayon set I bought when I decided…