Be aware, citizen! Though all good citizens know that to swill milk and hork butter is to join the ranks of FILTHY GERMAN BARBARIANS—even so, we people of Rome all eat the piquant delicacy that is cheese! It behooves you to discover, then, these FETID SECRETS about the Roman dairy industry and its governance that will shock you to your core! Indeed, as darkness falls around us, it falls upon the Flipside, a civically-minded, independently-run, investigative Roman tabloid, to unearth the FOUL TRUISMS about our fair Empire for all to see! 

Though wise Cicero described farming as the noblest of all professions, even the honorable shepherd with his goats and his sheep, wind blowing through the grass and through his hair, has been subjected to cruel demands imposed by the TYRANNICAL SENATE, who sticks its disheveled nose into the business of chivalrous farmers. These demands include measures such as: (i) mixing livestock’s feed with VILE TINCTURES—these untested brews are alleged to augment the gustatory savor of our cheese and prevent plague, yet the yells from the hilltops indicate that such measures may incur the wrath of THE POX! (ii) INFERIOR GAULIAN LIVESTOCK—that’s right! The wretched Senators of our beloved Republic have stooped as low as to bring barbarian animals into the Roman hills. They claim that these creatures are hardier and healthier than our domestic stock, but we all know what a baseless lie that is—they are simply denying the People their dairy inheritance while hording it all for themselves, thereby cheating we noble townsfolk out of the native bovines that are RIGHTFULLY OURS! 

And I could go on, citizens—the oppressive taxes levied against famers, the insolent rhetoric directed towards the greatest shepherding families, the so-called “reforms” which only further denigrate the principle of harvesting food saturated by sweat and toil. Take heed! The Senate is naught more than a coven of thieves and cowards! 

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