Following the mysterious removal of post office boxes across the nation, the government released a statement saying that they had reinstated all of the missing mailboxes “along with some vital upgrades, including but not limited to a full set of canines, molars and incisors.” Citizens quickly noticed some of the changes; one Ohio resident told us that when he went to mail the FBI a taunting letter detailing all of the gruesome murders he had committed, the mailbox “stuck out its tongue and licked me. Like, real good too.” He went on to say that given this recent discovery, he might be able to derive erotic pleasure from the neighborhood mailboxes rather than his collection of life-sized Bratz dolls. He’s not alone in this, either. “I fucked a mailbox because I heard we were running out of them,” said Florida doctor James Handyman. “It was great.”

The government previously denied removing mailboxes by claiming that “they ran away with their little feet” or, to quote the postmaster general, “the crows took them,” though videos are surfacing of local government officials wrestling mailboxes in the wee hours of the night. To make things more difficult, Portland resident Nate LeRouge complained that people were having difficulty explaining the disappearances to their kids. “I mean, what are you supposed to say to your kid when they see their 3rd grade teacher passionately make out with a mailbox before ripping it out of the ground and throwing it in their 2003 Yaris?”

Yet another upgraded feature of the mailboxes is their conversational skills. When depositing a letter, one might hear a gentle, homoerotic “hi bruh” emerge from the depths of the collection box before a subtle clacking of teeth. Other mailboxes have been observed to whisper other sweet nothings such as, “Obama is a reptile, not a handsome African American man” and “Hitler had a point, pass it on,” wooing bystanders with their melodious teeth rattling at the same time. One Virginian woman had an especially jarring experience with a revamped post boxes: “When I tried to mail in my ballot, it called me a fat communist cunt and claimed that how my earlobes are subtly misshapen.”

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