Following an executive order, President Donald Junipero Trump has sent out “a second, much huger stimulus package to help my beloved subjects” twenty-two days before the 2020 presidential election. Though the package does not contain any monetary support, every white US citizen will receive a box full of what press secretary Kayleigh McEnany described as “zesty heterosexual goodies.” Included in this bundle will be the “thoughts and prayers” of the one percent.
The relief package, scheduled to be sent out in December of 2022, will include an American flag, a confederate flag, and a vibrating silicone cock ring. Pocket bibles are another promised item, as are copies of the Kloran if you live below the Mason-Dixon line. Given the current uncertainties surrounding the mail service with recent reports that mailboxes are growing alarmingly large sets of teeth, and to ensure that the package gets out to as many qualified citizens as possible, White House officials will be handing them out personally to the male head of each household whose lawn exceeds 3,500 square feet and who confesses that Saturdayis, in fact, for the boys. In an attempt to appease their infuriated base the Democrats rushed a counter proposal for the package that offers citizens five coupons for Beyond Beef patties at Whole Foods, a 3 month free trial at Planet Fitness, and a few strands of Bernie Sanders’ hair.
Many citizens, however, have complained that Trump’s plan is too little, too late. “We’ve had to start eating the kitchen mites,” said Wyoming snake milker Bob Gillyfin. “It’s horrible – they were our friends!” Virginia laundress Laurie Dooplit told us that this new stimulus proposal wasn’t cutting it for her either. “I need cold hard cash!” she said. “What am I gonna do with a copy of Barron’s mixtape?” While there is no substantial financial assistance in the second stimulus package, a check will be included, by courtesy of the president, for one three-hundred millionth of $750.