Post Tagged with: "senate"

Brave ASSU Senator Takes Stand Against Font Size in Mass Email

February 10, 2016 12:00 pmComments Off on Brave ASSU Senator Takes Stand Against Font Size in Mass Email
Brave ASSU Senator Takes Stand Against Font Size in Mass Email

The ASSU Senate exploded into conflict this Friday upon the release of the Senate’s bi-weekly Executive Update, with campus insiders reporting that tempers flared and many relationships were irreparably changed over the course of the three-hour meeting. The reported argument stemmed from the fact that a cavalcade of freshman senators, […]

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ASSU Senate Bid Already Derailed by Whorehouse Scandal

April 14, 2015 9:00 amComments Off on ASSU Senate Bid Already Derailed by Whorehouse Scandal
ASSU Senate Bid Already Derailed by Whorehouse Scandal

Scandal has rocked the ASSU Senate race this year as prospective ASSU senator, freshman Andrew Henderson, has admitted that much of his campaign funding came from local Palo Alto whorehouse, Facefuck. The whorehouse apparently promised Henderson a sum total of 3000 dollars in exchange for his unambiguous support of a […]

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Bold, Innovative Campaign Poster Preventing Bladder-Shy Student from Peeing

April 9, 2014 9:17 pmComments Off on Bold, Innovative Campaign Poster Preventing Bladder-Shy Student from Peeing
Bold, Innovative Campaign Poster Preventing Bladder-Shy Student from Peeing

Freshman and ASSU Senate Candidate Murphy Huggins knew that to stand out from his many qualified competitors he would need a fresh, new campaign. Partnered with roommate Carter Stinton, who studies visual design and knows how to use Photoshop, Huggins crafted a powerful series of poster-based advertisements that he strategically […]

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Muammar Gaddafi Declares Candidacy For ASSU Senate

April 3, 2011 8:24 pmComments Off on Muammar Gaddafi Declares Candidacy For ASSU Senate
Muammar Gaddafi Declares Candidacy For ASSU Senate

68-year-old Libyan dictator Muammar Gaddafi formally renounced his position as supreme leader of Libya in order to pursue, in his own words “a much more meaningful elected office.” He has said that his zest for the ASSU senate will define his candidacy, and that he was willing to “die a […]

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ASSU Undergrad Senate Grills Goldman Sachs Summer Interns

May 2, 2010 1:31 pm0 comments
ASSU Undergrad Senate Grills Goldman Sachs Summer Interns
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Graphic: ASSU Elections

April 8, 2010 4:27 pm0 comments
Graphic: ASSU Elections
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Ambitious ProFro Runs for ASSU Senate

March 1, 2010 5:05 pm0 comments
Ambitious ProFro Runs for ASSU Senate
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ASSU Matchmaker Pairs Entire Female Campus with David Gobaud

February 16, 2010 5:36 pm0 comments
ASSU Matchmaker Pairs Entire Female Campus with David Gobaud

While organizers initially dubbed the premiere of the ASSU Matchmaker Service a success, reports of tampering have led students and administrators alike to question the effectiveness of the service. By Valentine’s Day, it appeared that over two thousand individuals had registered for the free service. Students first began to suspect […]

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Franken Relaunches Comedy Career, Changes C-SPAN into Comedy Network

January 25, 2009 7:09 pm0 comments
Franken Relaunches Comedy Career, Changes C-SPAN into Comedy Network

By Stanley Waters WASHINGTON D.C.—In an unexpected act of brilliance, comedian Al Franken relaunched his comedy career last week as he began his first week in the US Senate. After winning the closest election in US history, Franken announced his “master plan” to the people of America. “As promised, the […]

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ASSU Introduces Joint Resolution in Wake of Latest Squabble

October 25, 2008 9:41 pm0 comments
ASSU Introduces Joint Resolution in Wake of Latest Squabble

After endlessly bickering over a $2800 disaster known as the Welcome Barbecue, Senators Luukas Ilves ’09 and Yvorn Aswad-Thomas ’11 offered a joint resolution in the hopes of restoring collegiality and camaraderie among the divided student leaders. The resolution stipulated that a joint be passed around the chamber, with Senate […]

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