The ASSU Senate exploded into conflict this Friday upon the release of the Senate’s bi-weekly Executive Update, with campus insiders reporting that tempers flared and many relationships were irreparably changed over the course of the three-hour meeting. The reported argument stemmed from the fact that a cavalcade of freshman senators, led by sophomore Mario Wincher, strongly felt that a 20-point sans serif font would not convey the necessary gravitas needed in such an important document.

“The heady topics broached within these pages include the noble warning that drowsiness is red alert, free CREAM sandwiches, and something apparently called NomCom. To say that themes of such lofty importance are not commensurate with such an ugly font size is an understatement,” said Wincher.

Wincher’s stand continues the ASSU Senate’s long and storied tradition of political upheaval and debate, ranging from the fabled 1972 stand-off between pro-quinoa and anti-quinoa factions and last year’s intense debate over formal ASSU note-taking policy, which lasted for over three weeks and featured 8 separate filibusters. Wincher’s second for his proposed amendment, Eleanor Dale, added that, “If we as a Senate cannot discuss the best way to bring our profoundly important message to the people in the most artistic and steady font that we can, then we have no real purpose.”

Although the issue remains as-yet unresolved, the Executive Board will take action, pledging to devote the rest of its time in office to polling the campus to see whether they preferred 20pt. Helvetica or 18pt. Cambria.

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