10. Xavier Becerra – Double Stanford Alum can get him on this list, but unfortunately not much further than this.
9. Chris Pappas – Pappa? Ooh, Mama likey!
8. James Talarico – Everything is bigger in Texas… and I know they don’t call him TalaFREAKo for nothing.
7. David Crowley – Crowley said he’ll work for all Wisconsinites, but I want him to spend all his Wisconsin nights with me.
6. Keisha Lance Bottoms – We know how Keisha likes it. I’m usually a pillow princess but, sure, I’d top her.
4. Abdul El-Sayed – Objectively, Abdul is the most moanable name ever. I’ve sayed it once and I’ll say it again: smash.
3. Gina Hinojosa – Call me a HinoHOsa because I’d let her take me, anytime, anywhere.
2. Zohran Mamdani – I know it’s haram, but I would let Zaddy Zohran pork me every day of the week.
1. Jon Ossoff – My Georgia peach yearns for the authoritative hands of Mr. Jon Ossoff. I don’t know about you, but he only ever turns me Oss-on. I fall asleep every night picturing his chocolatey fuck-me eyes, fantasizing about him wearing nothing but those slutty little glasses. It’s a good thing he’s pro-choice because I would let him filibuster all night long—we could even beat the 25 hour record. And yeah, I’ll admit it: I named my vibrator Jon. Just like the Senator race, I’ll also finish fast.
