ASSU Senate Bid Already Derailed by Whorehouse Scandal

April 14, 2015 9:00 am
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ASSU Senate Bid Already Derailed by Whorehouse Scandal

Scandal has rocked the ASSU Senate race this year as prospective ASSU senator, freshman Andrew Henderson, has admitted that much of his campaign funding came from local Palo Alto whorehouse, Facefuck. The whorehouse apparently promised Henderson a sum total of 3000 dollars in exchange for his unambiguous support of a proposed ASSU measure. The measure would allow the institution in question to set up booths across all frosh dorms during finals week, enabling students to relieve their stress by engaging in a good, old-fashioned tuppenny fuck. Henderson’s campaign has been rocked by the scandal, with many of his sponsors abandoning him in favor of more moderate candidates.

While Henderson is penitent that the source of monetary funding has been discovered, he maintains that the idea behind the campaign showed integrity that was lacking in the other candidates’ slates. “Look,” said Henderson, “everyone knows that the ASSU is run on the basis of depraved sexual tension and incredible amounts of money, we’re just all too scared to combine the two. Thanks to the backing of Facefuck, the whole campus could have had an outlet to engage in their wildest sexual fantasies for a nominal fee.”

What may be more worrying is that the scandal may implicate other ASSU members. One prominent ASSU committee leader was caught on tape begging a Facefuck worker to, “Call me Elon,” and to “tell me how big my stock options are.” The scandal shed further light on the worrying amounts of corruption that has dogged the ASSU in recent years, from the debacle over the decision to enter the war in Iraq to the Watergate scandal, in which ASSU senators drained Lake Lag to protest reductions in their refreshments budget. Henderson intends to continue to stand in elections and currently leads with a prospective 800 votes.

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