EUROPE — Bonjour, uncultured swine. I write to you from a park bench overlooking the River, using cigarette butts from an ash tray I found in a hospital waiting room. Someone pick-pocketed my fountain pen and also my passport and additionally my wallet (it happens all the time abroad, even to locals). That’s alright though, because after two weeks here, abroad, in Europe, I think that I have finally found my true home. Though what exactly is a home? Food for thought.
Ah yes, the food here, in Europe! It’s so much healthier than that melted-down cow molar you Americanos eat. And tastier too! Have you eaten an entire baby piglet cured with e-cig vapors before? I did not think so. You brutes across the pond lack culture. The culture here, in Europe, is great. My horizons are so widened. I don’t think I’ll ever return to the States. I’m an entirely new person, and I also don’t have any form of legal identification anymore.
So, how is everything going for you? Classes? Here, abroad, I like to do my learning outside the classroom, in the museums of arts and also those of sciences. Wow, the art here, it’s just amazing! And those buildings? They just can’t be beat, amigo! Oops, sorry, I keep slipping into other languages! I haven’t spoken English in ages, especially that washed down American bastardisation (that’s abroad for “bastardization”).
I may never see you again, my unenlightened compatriot. If I do, I will greet you with a kiss on each cheek, because that is how we Europeans say hi here. Ciao!