Students can now step outside of their academic comfort zone into…the Red Zone! The administration has teamed up with the athletic department to bolster interest in traditionally under-enrolled courses by offering Red Zone points for attendance. Students can receive one point per lecture attended, with extra Red Zone points awarded based on quality insights in class discussions and “not saying anything offensive or politically incorrect” in humanities classes, according to one Religious Studies professor.
“We figured that if people are hyped enough to attend women’s field hockey games just to get Red Zone points, they should be eager enough to show up for classes that not enough people have signed up for,” remarks Ryan Dashfield, the coordinator of the Stanford Office for Not Canceling Classes That Too Few People Sign Up For. After failed attempts to coerce people into taking unpopular courses by implementing the WAYS requirements and offering free Fraiche in lectures, Dashfield figured that offering Red Zone points would be the next logical step. “It’s not quite bribery, but it’s also not-not bribery, you know?” he said as he attempted to justify himself to a group of CS majors in football jerseys filling the conference hall for “Gender and Sexuality in Ancient Latin American Books About Animals in Stone Carvings.” The professor was delighted to see such a good turnout on the first day, but attendance will sadly drop once students discover that the midterm conflicts with Big Game.