Articles by: Jamie Rodriguez

A Senior Farewell

June 5, 2018 2:06 pmComments Off on A Senior Farewell
A Senior Farewell

Fuck you! That’s right, do you really think we value you as a reader? We don’t. We never have, and we never will. You’re just meat–a lopsided globule of flesh with a level of consciousness barely adequate for understanding our comedy slop. You struggle with puzzles designed for children, you […]

Read more ›

FBI Raid Uncovers Michael Cohen’s Extensive Tiny Ballerina Shoe Collection—Not Illegal, Just Kinda Weird

May 28, 2018 12:00 pmComments Off on FBI Raid Uncovers Michael Cohen’s Extensive Tiny Ballerina Shoe Collection—Not Illegal, Just Kinda Weird
FBI Raid Uncovers Michael Cohen’s Extensive Tiny Ballerina Shoe Collection—Not Illegal, Just Kinda Weird
Read more ›

Local Man Found Dead with Traces of Toxic Masculinity in Body

May 7, 2018 12:00 pmComments Off on Local Man Found Dead with Traces of Toxic Masculinity in Body
Local Man Found Dead with Traces of Toxic Masculinity in Body
Read more ›

Op-Ed: I Didn’t Donate to the Class of 2018 “Senior Gift” and I Just Woke Up in a Warehouse with All of my Molars Missing

May 1, 2018 4:57 pmComments Off on Op-Ed: I Didn’t Donate to the Class of 2018 “Senior Gift” and I Just Woke Up in a Warehouse with All of my Molars Missing
Op-Ed: I Didn’t Donate to the Class of 2018 “Senior Gift” and I Just Woke Up in a Warehouse with All of my Molars Missing

When I received email after email about paying the class of 2018 for a “senior gift”, I scoffed. Why would I, Sallie Mae’s bitch for the next six decades, donate money to a school where clubs can just buy Segways willy-nilly? Their answer: so that I wouldn’t get tackled off […]

Read more ›

Breaking: Voters Elect to Release Macriki From Her Hole

April 9, 2018 12:00 pmComments Off on Breaking: Voters Elect to Release Macriki From Her Hole
Breaking: Voters Elect to Release Macriki From Her Hole

After a long and arduous campaign season, the votes are in. And what do you know: a majority of citizens across the nation have just chosen to release Macriki from her deep, dark hole! Macriki was sentenced to life without parole in her shame-pit for spitting in the eye of God, but […]

Read more ›

I had a Great Spring Break on THE HUNT, Thank You For Asking

12:00 pmComments Off on I had a Great Spring Break on THE HUNT, Thank You For Asking
I had a Great Spring Break on THE HUNT, Thank You For Asking
Read more ›

Meet the 2018 Line of American Girl Dolls!

February 20, 2018 12:00 pmComments Off on Meet the 2018 Line of American Girl Dolls!
Meet the 2018 Line of American Girl Dolls!

Watch out, exciting news ahead! That’s right, industry giant American Girl Doll just announced their 2018 line of new dolls, and wow, are there some fun ones. They’re some modern dolls for a modern world, so read below to become properly acquainted with America’s favorite dolls! 1. Kelly: In her […]

Read more ›

Escape Room: You Just Have To Jimmy The Door Handle A Little

February 12, 2018 11:02 amComments Off on Escape Room: You Just Have To Jimmy The Door Handle A Little
Escape Room: You Just Have To Jimmy The Door Handle A Little
Read more ›

Anonymous Capybara Just Typed “Fuck” Into Google Doc And There’s Nothing Anyone Can Do About It

January 15, 2018 12:00 pmComments Off on Anonymous Capybara Just Typed “Fuck” Into Google Doc And There’s Nothing Anyone Can Do About It
Anonymous Capybara Just Typed “Fuck” Into Google Doc And There’s Nothing Anyone Can Do About It

Oh, the humanity! When sophomore Prithi Chacko opened her group project Google Doc to discover that the identities of her classmates were hidden by anonymous quirky animals, she made little note of it. “I didn’t think anything would come of it. I have no clue how that feature of Google […]

Read more ›

Hey Kid, Your Drawing Fucking Sucks But Check Out My SoundCloud

December 4, 2017 12:00 pmComments Off on Hey Kid, Your Drawing Fucking Sucks But Check Out My SoundCloud
Hey Kid, Your Drawing Fucking Sucks But Check Out My SoundCloud

Wow, what is that even supposed to be kid? It looks like you microwaved a bowl of crayons, mixed the wax with cereal, ate the cereal, threw it up, and then called it a picture of a dinosaur. Is that thing that looks like athlete’s foot supposed to be your […]

Read more ›