Sitting in his soon-to-be-vacated office with Stanford Crushes open on his laptop, Stanford president John Hennessy paused, sighed, crossed his fingers, and hit “refresh” one final time.

“I know they noticed me, I know it!” Hennessy whispered to himself, sure that someone must have taken note of his carefully calculated walk-by’s past Coupa Cafe every Tuesday.  “No one has reacted to my signature provocative hair flip. I’ve only got two more weeks- come on, it’s now or never!”

Hennessy has long monitored Stanford Crushes, Overheard at Stanford, Stanford Confessions, and the Stanford Campus Snapchat story, eager for someone to acknowledge how elegantly he fills out a black suit with a cardinal tie. Testing the waters on YikYak last month, Hennessy posted, “ That Hennessy sure is a charmer! From his black suit with a cardinal tie look to his slightly grey-black suit with a cardinal tie look…Yum!” After several rounds of refreshing, though, the post failed to receive a single up or down vote.

Placing a reassuring hand on his shoulder, outgoing Provost John Etchemendy reassured him, “John, you don’t worry about this one little bit. Because you know where you’re most beautiful? On the inside. Right here,” and he touched him lightly on his forehead.

Sign Up for Our Newsletter

Get the Stanford Flipside sent to your inbox!

You May Also Like

Study Confirms That Bitches, As Suspected, Ain’t Shit But Hoes and Tricks

When Dr. Dre proposed in his seminal theoretical work, “The Chronic”, the…

Study Finds: If Your Hand is Bigger than Your Face You Need Surgery

In a packed auditorium on Saturday, Stanford Hospital Director Ken Toshi informed…

Connections to Steroid Ring Finally Explain Peyton Manning’s Giant Forehead

Following last week’s announcement of an upcoming Al-Jazeera documentary that alleges that…