Breaking the sinews of his cocoon, Kappa Tau pledge Scott Wright releases a long, screeching wail from his four mouths.
 He is ready. He has almost completed the metamorphosis process begun when he accepted his fraternity bid. Only a young larva then, he has broken out of his human form to undergo a long, grueling transformation into his new, true essence.
And now, the metamorphosis, colloquially called “pledging,” is complete.  Hanging upside-down from the ceiling inside his silky encasement, Scott has grown wings with the span of a condor, nine eyes, a Tommy Bahama Hawaiian shirt permanently fused with his skin-armor.
He will now enter the final phase of his rebirth: rupturing the walls of his self-spun cocoon, made of the silk secreted from his anus.
He will leave his sheath on the next full moon, emerging more powerful than he ever imagined. Scott will shotgun a beer and join his brothers to hunt, preying on the young of other frats.
 He will be a frat star.

You May Also Like

Sustainability Success: EPA Director Scott Pruitt Has Murdered Enough Babies to Make America Carbon Neutral

It’s been a tough year for Scott Pruitt, but it looks like things might finally be turning around for the recently­appointed Environmental Protection Agency head. In a press release Tuesday, Pruitt proudly reported that the United States has achieved a net­zero aggregate carbon footprint for the first time in recent history, all due to Pruitt’s innovative “Murder Our Rugrats Order Ninety” strategy. The MORON initiative has now completed its first 6 months in operation, and the numbers tell a promising story. Before the program began, there were approximately 4 million babies in the United States and the country had a total carbon footprint of 6,870 million metric tons of carbon dioxide equivalents. Since the strategy was implemented, the agency has disposed of 3. 98 million carbon­intensive babies, and reduced America’s carbon footprint to a perfect zero. Liberals and conservatives nationwide have celebrated the success for demonstrating that the…