At around 11:45am on Oct 5th, reports began flowing in from Arrillaga Dining that some things called ‘persimmons’ had started to appear in large silver bowls throughout the dining hall. The emergence of this strange orange fruit(?), about the size of a tomato, has left the campus in shambles, placing ample confusion into the many overtaxed heads of the student body.

From far away, it looked like a tomato,” reported freshman Ellie Donkins, clutching her head in an effort to squeeze the confusion out, ”But then you get up close and it looks like a whole bunch of who-knows-what. They all have little leaves at the top. Please help me.”

Engineers and coders have suffered drastically. Unequipped to handle the subjective nature of the fruit, their heads were toast in the wake of the persimmon confusion.  “I just can’t get my little brain to understand,” said one CS major in an interview. Fuzzies, however, are suffering as well. “I tried to philosophy it, but it hurt my soft soft head too much,” said PHIL80 T.A. Anthony Kimbo.

A handful of students have chosen to take the rest of the quarter off for reasons of “making the brain pain stop.” Class attendance has dropped 15% among undergrads in the past week, and there have been four reports of students running to lock themselves in their rooms after crying out “my head now houses more confusion than my brain can bear.” 

Vice-Provost for Student Affairs, Greg Boardman, has made the epidemic a personal concern, after experiencing a confused head firsthand.  “When I picked one up, I gained one persimmon,” said Boardman,“And I lost one mind.” As of press time, Boardman has called a team of researchers to work on figuring out what exactly the deal is with the smooth-skinned fruit (or vegetable? What, is it a melon?) and finally getting the confusion out of their brains.

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