When it was first revealed that the Republican party would be replacing its controversial debates with a giant talking fish named Lars, everyone was happy. However, as the hours drew long and it finished its rambling-but-endearing monologue about the rules of football, its comforting bonhomie was replaced by a dreadful shrieking, which the best scientists have concluded is actually singing.

“Everything was fine, it was perfect and good,” said one scientist. “But then it started singing, and the thing got bad.”

The Republican candidates have had mixed responses to the fish. Some still feel upstaged by the fish and believe that its singing is a tolling boom of disapproval from a higher authority. Others think that maybe its water needs to be cleaned. The Democrats are in favor of resuming political negotiations with Myanmar, but only if they change the name again.

We are as yet unaware as to why the large Republican trout started singing, but we know that it has not stopped. Its throat sounds are large and sonorous, and shake this nation to its very core.

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