Every incoming freshman is told that college will change their life. This change came unfortunately early this past Wednesday for Peter Sinkdale, freshman resident of Wilbur Hall, when the door of his double was hammered down by yet another group of Stanford club-members eager to welcome his roommate into their extracurricular fold. After some confusion, Peter’s frantic spasms were identified to not, in fact, have been a congratulatory gesture, and he was eventually delivered to the Vaden Health Center, where he was diagnosed with acute post-traumatic stress disorder.

“Roll-outs are to be expected, but [Peter’s roommate] was something else entirely,” said a neighbor of the unfortunate freshman. “[Peter’s roommate] was rolled out every single day for the past two weeks. It was only a matter of time before Peter succumbed to the pressure.”

Peter’s roommate, quite the popular man, received roll-outs from no fewer than seventeen different student groups. “I mean, I feel sorry for the guy, but it’s not really my fault, is it?” commented the guilty roommate, “I just see all these neat groups and I want to try out for them. I’m just like any other freshman here.” As of this writing, Peter’s roommate has been accepted by a varsity shuffleboard team, six different club sports, three different a cappella groups, two debate teams, both the campus Pro-Life and Pro-Choice groups, and the Objectivists of Stanford, in addition to being one-eighth Pacific Islander. Our interview with him was cut short as conversation was drowned out by the incessant pounding of the badly timed “Stanford Students’ for the Acceptance of those Suffering from Mental Illness” as they added him to their number.

Since the incident past Wednesday, Peter has returned to the dorms, but his life has been irrevocably shattered, the slightest sound of feet walking down the hallway threatening to send him into an epileptic fit. “We’ve instructed all of the dorm’s residents to announce themselves by making soft bird calls as they enter the hallway, so as not to startle [Peter],” an RA explained to us.

Peter himself has not been the only victim of his roommate’s popularity. Last Monday saw a mild scuffle in the hallway as both the tennis team and the Mendicants attempted to add his roommate to their ranks at the same time.

When asked, the Senior Associate Sub-Vice Provost brushed off requests that the tradition of group roll-outs should be discontinued. “Yes, it is possible for people to get hurt, and [Peter’s] case is particularly unfortunate,” she conceded, “but like Full Moon on the Quad and american football, it’s just too integral to the Stanford experience to be discontinued, massive health hazards notwithstanding.”

Peter himself could not be reached for comment, as our attempts to open the door to his room regrettably caused a relapse that we have been told will be “probably temporary”.

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