Unhappy with the Stanford Band’s halftime performance at the Rose Bowl, Iowans, who currently rank Ted Cruz as their most likely pick for the Republican Presidential nomination, have taken to social media to underscore their unparalleled powers of perception.
“I thought Stanford kids were supposed to be smart!” a Hawkeye supporter commented on Instagram, “Turns out we Iowans, whose support for Texas’s junior Senator is challenged only by our growing infatuation for Donald Trump, have the upper intellectual hand!”
Iowans unironically accused the Stanford Band of being crass, repellant, and otherwise insufferable, failing to recognize that such terms are used in Washington almost exclusively to describe Senator Cruz.
“You kids just keep banging on your sinks and making cheap FarmersOnly.com jokes,” an Iowan alumnus tweeted. “We’ll be over here fortifying the growing lead held by a politician who believes that global warming is a myth, who called Net Neutrality ‘Obamacare for the Internet’, and whose Freshman year roommate at Princeton claims to deserve “[f]orty eleventy million billion trillion dollars” for putting up with him.”
Iowans far and wide went on to remind their Californian rivals of the importance of corn to the American economy, and of the recent CBS News/YouGov poll pinning Cruz’s in-state lead at nearly ten full percentage points. “Call us when your band can initiate a staggeringly unnecessary government shutdown that may have cost the American economy as much as $24 billion,” a Hawkeye trombonist quipped. “Until then, at least pretend to have some dignity.”